Charges to Be Dropped Against Shcherban?

What would you expect from a country whose President awards a Yaroslav the Wise (a political Oscar) to Mykhailo Potebenko, Kuchma’s Prosecutor General, who, among other things, persistently denied the existence of corruption in the Ukrainian government?

What would you expect from a country whose Prime Minister served two jail terms in a juvie? That’s what friends are for.

The Return of the Faithful Exiled

They’re back. They’re hungry. And they’re not Orange.

If you ever watched this funny movie, you get the idea. Somewhere on this planet a spillover situation must have occurred, involving chemical agents whose properties the military would prefer not to talk about.

It’s responsible for triggering what appears to be the first wave of repatriation of high-profile crime suspects to Ukrainian soil.

Facing persecution from the Yushchenko regime, these poor people found asylum on both sides of the Iron Curtain. Thanks to the Anticrisis Coalition, the long-awaited democratization took place, which set the ground for their safe return.

Now that the venerable Shcherban is in da house, who’s next? Bakai? Bilokon? Zasukha? Bodelan? Welcome back, gentlemen.

Shcherban’s reunion with Ukraine came amid mass outbursts of joy, as residents of Sumy Oblast rallied for their beloved Governor (2002-2005). If he chooses to pay a visit to that little land he fled in pain, he certainly should expect being smothered with hugs and kisses.

The American lawyers he brought with him raised absolutely no suspicions when they made statements to the effect that their client’s middle name is morality, it its purest form. Good work. We the good-natured, hardworking people of Ukraine trust your every word. Your dedication has inspired us to be more accepting of our leaders. We cleansed our eyes of prejudice and our souls of selfishness. We rediscovered our true values. That way we can stay closer to the moral legacy of our founding fathers Kravchuk and Kuchma.

Not only do we know Mr. Shcherban as an entrepreneur par excellence — the man who is on good terms with the legends of Corporate Ukraine, one of which kindly posted bail for him — but we also know him as the pillar of the community.

It hurts to think of what an enormous opportunity GE and Boeing missed when neither chose to do the same for Kenneth Lay and Jack Abramoff. What kind of social responsibility do they believe in? Haven’t they ever heard of the presumption of innocence?

Perhaps the time is ripe — and the Russian Orthodox Church would certainly approve — for St. Shcherban’s Cathedral to be erected on the hills overlooking the Dnipro. Maryinsky Park, next to the Cabinet’s building, would be fine. It would serve as a beacon of renewed hope for the faithful exiled and the falsely accused.

O come home all ye faithful joyful and triumphant, and praise the Proffessor.

Shcherban Comes Home to Party, Not to Roost

A few hours after landing in Boryspil Airport, Volodymyr Shcherban found himself not as uncomfortable as many had predicted.

In fact, royal treatment has followed him wherever he went. Arrested in Florida last year on charges of extortion and abuse of authority, he soon had managed to walk out on a $2 m bail.

Interestingly enough, in 2002, Shcherban had run for the Rada on the NSNU ticket, which he swiftly deserted once elected an MP. That same year Kuchma appointed him as Governor of the Oblast of Sumy. It was there that he is suspected of having suppressed the summer 2004 student sit-ins and the local opposition’s march on Kyiv.

By now it’s crystal clear that Lutsenko’s much-ballyhooed “cold reception” turned out to be a warm welcome, as far as the prowess of the PRU’s event planning department is concerned.

Being convoyed to the Office of Prosecutor General for a cup of coffee must have been the only uneasy part. Thereafter, friends of Mr. Shcherban took command. Representatives of the people of Ukraine on the side of the PRU vouched for their protégé and let the entire nation know that Mr. Shcherban is not alone in his struggle.

Bingo! Now that Mr. Shcherban drew a lungful of fresh air on a Saturday night, we could say “The people of Ukraine v Volodymyr Shcherban” is off to a good start — the "good ole" start, to be precise.

To some observers, this scenario may remind of “Die Hard 2.” Remember General Esperanza, the bad guy who had things fixed up, thanks to his robust ground support team? Unfortunately, Ukraine has no McClane to rely on.

In a post-arrival interview, Mr. Shcherban pleaded not guilty to the long list of charges levied against him, which he termed as fabricated and reprisal-driven. Poor boy, he fled his beloved country fearing for his life. Specifically, he mentioned the prospect of being hanged on Maidan. (May he pray for Saddam, whose chances of martyrdom via hanging are far greater than his own.)

And as for Mr. Shcherban, his end-of-life ideation can only be categorized as misplaced, given the fact that nobody met death on Maidan, except for a man from western Ukraine whose heart stopped beating on the eve of the Dec. 26 High Court-mandated runoff.

If President Yushchenko still has an itch for his 2004 sales pitch “Бандити сидітимуть в тюрмах,” he should try Shcherban. Well, whether he does or not, few believe that justice will be served. It’s safe to assume that Shcherban’s chances of getting locked up are close to nil.

Now listen to this: Speaking on Channel 5, Shcherban said he remains hopeful that his PRU white knights will put him back on the political track.

High-profile criminals are so hard to find these days. Whenever the cops claim they found one, next thing we know there’s not a shred of evidence to support a case. It's happened before. It may happen again. God bless Ukraine, my home, sweet, home.