Ukrainiana

The Return of the Faithful Exiled

They’re back. They’re hungry. And they’re not Orange.

If you ever watched this funny movie, you get the idea. Somewhere on this planet a spillover situation must have occurred, involving chemical agents whose properties the military would prefer not to talk about.

It’s responsible for triggering what appears to be the first wave of repatriation of high-profile crime suspects to Ukrainian soil.

Facing persecution from the Yushchenko regime, these poor people found asylum on both sides of the Iron Curtain. Thanks to the Anticrisis Coalition, the long-awaited democratization took place, which set the ground for their safe return.

Now that the venerable Shcherban is in da house, who’s next? Bakai? Bilokon? Zasukha? Bodelan? Welcome back, gentlemen.

Shcherban’s reunion with Ukraine came amid mass outbursts of joy, as residents of Sumy Oblast rallied for their beloved Governor (2002-2005). If he chooses to pay a visit to that little land he fled in pain, he certainly should expect being smothered with hugs and kisses.

The American lawyers he brought with him raised absolutely no suspicions when they made statements to the effect that their client’s middle name is morality, it its purest form. Good work. We the good-natured, hardworking people of Ukraine trust your every word. Your dedication has inspired us to be more accepting of our leaders. We cleansed our eyes of prejudice and our souls of selfishness. We rediscovered our true values. That way we can stay closer to the moral legacy of our founding fathers Kravchuk and Kuchma.

Not only do we know Mr. Shcherban as an entrepreneur par excellence — the man who is on good terms with the legends of Corporate Ukraine, one of which kindly posted bail for him — but we also know him as the pillar of the community.

It hurts to think of what an enormous opportunity GE and Boeing missed when neither chose to do the same for Kenneth Lay and Jack Abramoff. What kind of social responsibility do they believe in? Haven’t they ever heard of the presumption of innocence?

Perhaps the time is ripe — and the Russian Orthodox Church would certainly approve — for St. Shcherban’s Cathedral to be erected on the hills overlooking the Dnipro. Maryinsky Park, next to the Cabinet’s building, would be fine. It would serve as a beacon of renewed hope for the faithful exiled and the falsely accused.

O come home all ye faithful joyful and triumphant, and praise the Proffessor.