Ukrainiana

Orgy Over: NSNU Pulls Out

We have a pulse! After a near-death political experience of speeding through a tunnel of scorpionic turf wars and disgusting extramarital affairs, NSNU has shown signs of returning to life. As of the evening of Oct 4, 2004, NSNU announced its withdrawal from the enlargement talks to assume an opposition role with regard to the PRU-SPU-CPU coalition. NSNU also vowed to recall its share of ministers nesting in the coalition since August.

Note: Due to their special status in charting EU-NATO integration policy and constitutional immunity from coalition considerations, Defense and Foreign ministers will probably stay put. Short of the latter two, whoever refuses to follow this instruction will be purged from the party.

In Ukraine’s diametrically opposed geometry of electoral sympathies, of which all parties had tried to remain mindful, yesterday’s gymnastic event achieved some semblance of emancipation from the prodigal sabbatical that had blighted NSNU’s career for months.

It’s not everyday that you flip on your TV to the splendid scene of Yushchenko’s legion having its chakras flung wide open and turning its face back toward the people.

Opposites Attract?
Not this fall. The final failure in fine-tuning two divergent agendas has resulted in the Regs’ Zen-like patience and AVN-style sex appeal being wasted all for naught. What a déjà vu! Fall 2006 brings the Orange guys together back again together under what may eventually mushroom into an opposition umbrella.

However, NSNU fans should not read much pathos into the event. Pragmatism offers a far better perspective. Observing the coalition behave like a bull in a china store must have knocked some sense into NSNU fence-sitters. It doesn’t take a PET-scan to realize what happened. There came a precious moment when they did the math and saw more advantages to jumping back to their own side, rather than seek humiliating accommodations. The realization that being on the wrong side may wipe them off the map in the next election surely has kept their blood pressure sky-high.

Winter will put the coalition to the test. PRU office holders are facing a whole Himalayas of chilling issues in the public sector. Chief among them: making utilities affordable and keeping the infrastructure well shaped and supplied and throughout the subzero season. If Regs are to make good on their promise of “Better Living Today,” they should roll up their sleeves. But whenever they try, all we see are their Vacheron Constantin watches, to the tune of the annual remuneration that we as taxpayers as have to make available to them. No way are they meeting their PR sales quota. Recent polls suggest the Yanukovych Cabinet has not added a penny to Ukrainians’ livelihood. They’ve probably discovered that underneath the surface “Better Living Today” has a doppelganger called “Death and Decay.”

Got Gas?
“Vote Yanukovych, and voilà! Russia gives you all the gas in the world" My dear Eastern friend, if that’s how your brain worked this spring, prepare for cryogenic therapy this winter.

It’s safe to conclude that no belly-kissing was performed on Yanukovych during his secret Moscow voyages. That poor little boy captured by the camera remains the only one to date.

The Kremlin’s policy of pricing escalationism appears nonnegotiable. SCM needs gas? On your own dime, gentlemen. Royally pissed about the NSNaU revoir, the proffessor posse has left the door open.

People define themselves by who they aren’t, a rule that hardly detracts from the value of team play. If NSNU retracts its “bridges burned” position, it will need the FBI’s finest team of DNA experts to id its political corpse.

When Diamonds Are a Girl’s Worst Friends
Because the 2007 budget proposal, if not amended, promises little in way of binge eating for the little man, Yushchenko have said that he will veto it. Meanwhile, a battle flared up in the Rada over the current MP benefits program that grants each MP with a panoply of perks such as a title to a Kyiv apartment worth upwards of half a million dollars.

Yuliya Tymoshenko, one of the most outspoken critics of the program, became the woman of the day. Interestingly enough, as the local face of Luis Vuitton, she has frequently drawn flak for her affluenza-stricken outfits. That’s why could not escape being the target of an ad hominem attack. PRU heavyweight Yevhen Kushnarev attempted to thwart her social responsibility drive by speculating that the necklace she was wearing on that day alone could sustain an average Ukrainian family for five years.

A gleeful Tymo rushed to the rostrum to submit her belongings for evaluation, which the press corps eagerly did. Soon, it turned out Mr. Kushnarev had made a seriously flawed assessment.

The jewellery expert consulted by the press corps estimated the book value of the necklace to be in the neighbourhood of $200, this being a costume jewellery item presumably made in the United Arab Emirates. Of course, its post-evaluation publicity-laden market value may have climbed hundredfold. The moral of the story: A self-enforced dress code can save you from a public relations disaster.