'Party of Ringtones' Photoshop Spoof
Зрадлива родина — потішна країна! Zradlyva rodyna, potishna krayina!
Crappy family, distressful country. (Literal translation: Treacherous family, funny country.)

Based on:
Щаслива родина — успішна країна! Shchaslyva rodyna, uspishna krayina!
Happy family, successful country


Containing Neo-Soviet Imperialism
A clash of civilizations between a Soviet flag-clinching fist wearing Lenin’s hat and a dulya-flipping fist wearing a peasant Ukrainian hat. Dulya (doo-lia), the local equivalent of flipping the bird, is a fist-clinching gesture in which the thumb goes under the index finger.

All works courtesy of Censor.net.ua



Ilya Repin. Barge Haulers on the Volga. 1870-1873. Oil on canvas. The Russian Museum, St. Petersburg, Russia.

Stabilnist = Spin x Sovok x Sadomasochism?

American PR wizards may chalk up a few extra votes for the Party of Regions. But they will not change the mindset of the grassroots Regionalist voter; they are chasing it! All it takes is pushing the right buttons, using state-of-the-art spin in tandem with the preexisting Moscow malware.

So far, the PRU top brass has refused to emancipate its electoral base in eastern Ukraine from mental slavery to Sovok, or Sovietica. Here, in the nexus of Ukraine’s Rust and Sun Belts, one can also discover a heavily Sovietized, proletariat-influenced subculture. Here, the local oligarchs perpetuate their power by stirring a political cauldron of the good old Soviet times — when the state provided for people’s basic necessities as long as they stayed within the Communist Party’s line. The breakup of the Soviet Union did not alter this Pavlovian formula. In the sixteen years of Ukraine’s independence, it has served as an elixir of the ruling elite, guiding the country’s transition from communism to crony capitalism, or stabilnist.

When you think of Ukraine’s second-class citizenship with regard to the EU, think stabilnist. The societal submissiveness that came with this chronic condition sank Ukraine to the lower tiers of the Human Development Index. It landed the once third-largest nuclear power on a castaway continent euphemistically called Eurasia. For stabilnist to be effective, Y2K (Yanukovych, Kuchma & Kravchuk) pumped their subjects with nostalgia-inducing painkillers, a task reserved for the well-choreographed Big Brother media. The Ukrainian people assumed the role of the proverbial mule that follows a carrot suspended from a stick, but never gets too close to take a bite.

Somehow, the less Sovietized and more educated segments of Ukrainian society managed to generate immunity against their government’s operant conditioning. The Kuchmatrix malfunctioned. After an interlude of lost opportunities, which we call the Orange Revolution, the Kuchmatrix reloaded. The fresh air of freedom became scarce again, as the smokestacks of stabilnist resumed their routine, rising above the food chain of Ukrainian society.

Some argue that stabilnist has changed. But has it really? Despite all the talk of Akhmetovization — the emergence of a modernization-minded and more Western-oriented wing — most Regionalists have stuck to their guns. They do not share the grief of Soviet genocide victims. With a glorious view of the Soviet past, they have capitalized on a culture of Ukrainophobia and Holodomor denial as their greatest asset in squashing the Oranges.

Recently, the Party of Regions sexed up its campaign by mounting a nationwide petitioning drive to hold a plebiscite on Russian as a second official language and on Ukraine as a non-NATO country. Most likely, the PRU will drop this déjà vu initiative after the election to seduce NUNS into forming a grand coalition.
But before that Kodak moment, the PRU will spray itself with political pheromones to solidify those few percentage points worth of stabilnist-overdosed or Communist-leaning voters.

Most of the swing voting will occur in the Orange camp, as more NUNS supporters predictably switch to BYuT. In contrast, PRU supporters exhibit a far stronger propensity to continue as Guinea pigs in what essentially remains a “hit-me-baby-one-more-time-oops-I-did-it-again” neverending story.

Bait-and-switch manipulations, hardly exclusive to the PRU, offer further insights into the seasonal — and sadomasochistic — peaks and valleys in the Ukrainian social contract. Every campaign, the issue of social responsibility blossoms into a mouth-watering oasis, only to wither away once the campaign comes to an end. Ironically, stabilnist gives short shrift to the very people who support it in the polls. Paradoxically, they keep coming back. Insofar as NUNS and, to a lesser extent BYuT — not to mention the CPU and the SPU — fail to keep their promises, they, too, have a stake in stabilnist.

So here we are, half the country stuck in a time warp, marinated in Cold War soup, while the other half hasn’t quit looking for democratic healthfoods. How’s that for a pop-art Huntingtonian model?

Web-Rigging: PRU Official Site Loses Listing for False Traffic

Bigmir)net, which rates Ukrainian content sites, on Monday removed the official site of the Party of Regions from its listing. Asked about the cause, sources at Bigmir)net stated that the site’s behavior violated their traffic reporting policy, Ukrayinska Pravda informs.

According to Bigmir)net, they intercepted an attempt to raise the PRU site’s rating by using a third-party traffic-boosting technique that jacks up the site counter.

Obozrevatel quotes a UNIAN report in which Bigmir)net claims that 58 percent of the site visits could be traced to a “click club.”

Obviously, Ukraine’s No. 1 rating portal has its own reputation to protect, which explains such bold action. As for the PRU, some habits die hard even in the Information Age, don’t they?

First Graders Hail Yanukovych With Soviet-Style Poems

Public recitals of political poetry got off to a fresh start on Sept. 1, or Knowledge Day, which marks the beginning of a new school year in Ukraine.

The following footage, which I downloaded from Censor.net.ua, features two first graders, boy and girl, at an eastern Ukrainian school ceremony attended by PM Yanukovych.

The poetry they recite mixes patriotism with paternalism. I took the liberty of attempting a poetic translation of these Sept. 1 verses, highly reminiscent of the Stalin era.


Photos courtesy of Sovmusic.ru

Girl:

И от нас
От пап и мам
Благодарность персонально
Виктор Федорович, вам

Here’s from us
From dads and moms
As we press ever so gladly
Viktor Fiodorovich’s palm

Note: Ukrainians formally address each other by first name, followed by a patronymic: Viktor Fiodorovich (transliterated from Russian), or Fedorovych (transliterated from Ukrainian).


Boy

Мы под вашим патронатом
Станем будущем страны
Мы себя покажем Штатам
С украинской стороны

Having you as our patron
Makes our future bright indeed
We will show the States and NATO
Our Ukrainian Godspeed


Apparently, the Age of Innocence still prevails over the Age of Information in some parts of the country. It pampers maladaptive worldviews in adults, encourages first graders to rattle off retrograde rhymes, and creates a divide larger than the digital one. Do you have to be Benita Ferrero-Waldner to know that such personality cult rituals make Ukraine unfit for EU membership? Will there be a knowledge economy in a country that celebrates Knowledge Day this way?

Is it possible that some of our “poetry lovers” crave a divide et impera future for Ukraine? They probably want average-income Orange families to enroll their kids in dance classes right away! This should prepare them for the increasingly popular art of guilt-trip dancing in front of Western embassies to get a visa.

After all, celebrating EU accession at retirement age won’t be so bad, provided you live long enough to beat the current life expectancy of 66 years.

Kyiv in Colors


I was a Johnny-come-lately for the Sunday BYuT rally. On my way from Podil to Maidan, I ran into a downhill exodus of BYuT fans. They were “falling back to base,” that is, to the caravans of buses that brought them to Kyiv from all over Ukraine.


NUNS, which campaigns to lift parliamentary immunity, has dressed the Ukrainian House in orange, displaying a maxim that reads Zakon odyn dlya vsikh. (One law for all.)


At Maidan one could marvel at rookie police officers who guarded PRU tent kiosks, populated by blue-clad teenagers who reportedly make $5 per hour by sitting there and waving banners outside. Exceptions to this recruiting policy can hardly be found in political Ukraine, just as one stands little chance of contesting the PRU’s leadership in it.

Recently, Mayor Chernovetsky ordered the removal of all political paraphernalia from the streets, ostensibly to prevent disorderly conduct. (Yanukovych’s "instability" fetish must be highly contagious.) Amid an acute absence of any signs of civil unrest, municipal authorities have not enforced the ban yet.

If you’re looking for unrest, watch the debates, surf the Web, or, if you’re out on the street, look at the walls. The streets of Kyiv have become a political battleground in a war of words and symbols.


Tymoshenko’s “little red book,” titled Ukrayinsky Proryv (The Ukrainian Breakthrough), has spawned an anonymous spoof slogan, Ukrayinsky Naryv, which can be poetically translated as The Ukrainian Brainscrew. The spoof slogan makes a mockery of the BYuT logo, a red heart-shaped check mark, by turning it upside down. That’s the Regional McCoy, isn’t it?

Short of that, my reality check of the "crisis" craze keeps bouncing all the time. When it comes to ordinary Ukrainians, I see nothing but peaceful coexistence. So if you’re a sucker for stability, welcome to Ukraine.

T-shirt caption: ВірЮ в Україну, or I believe in Yukraine (as in Yulia). Well, some people believe in Yanukraine, but again, no civil unrest whatsoever.

Backbiting or Backsliding? News Host Claims Being Forced to Resign Over Report on Yushchenko's Schooling Expenses

"Дочка президента Ющенка, Христина, сьогодні мала піти в 1 клас Міжнародної Печерської школи у столиці. Там уже в другому класі вчиться її старша сестра Софія, а молодший брат Тарас піде в дитсадок при цій школі".

"Як повідомляє агентство УНІАН, подружжя Ющенків обрало саме цю школу, оскільки там викладають багато іноземних мов, а також існують "європейські стандарти".

"Платити за такі європейські стандарти президентському подружжю доводиться чимало - 12 тисяч доларів на рік за одну дитину. І це без врахування харчування, яке привозять з французького ресторану, та підручників".

President Yushchenko’s daughter, Khrystyna, was today to enter first grade at Pechersk School International in Kyiv. Already studying there in second grade is her older sister Sophia, while her younger brother, Taras, will be entering the school’s kindergarten.

According to a UNIAN report, the Yushchenkos picked this school because it offers a wide choice of foreign language instruction, and is also a haven of “European living standards.”

The price tag for such European standards does not come cheap for the President’s family: $12,000 per child, annually. Note that this figure does not cover lunches, which are supplied by a French restaurant, and textbook expenses.

This is an excerpt from a newscast by Ihor Slisarenko, then a Channel 5 host, who claims to have been coerced into leaving the company, following an angry call from the Secretariat of the President.

According to Slisarenko, after his semi-editorial hit the airwaves, management demanded a written explanation, and then pressed for his resignation. Oleksandr Narodetsky, Slisarenko’s superior, maintains that the employee quit of his own free will. The Secretariat has also denied role.

Now, the million dollar question: Is this a case of backbiting by a disgruntled employee or, worse yet, backsliding toward censorship? One of the first to report the story, Ukrayinska Pravda is watching closely.

Is Channel 5 — held in high esteem as the ice-breaker of the Orange Revolution, in what was then a tightly knit ensemble of Big Brother media — reversing course? If any of that happens to be true, then, in the name of George Orwell, we shouldn’t wait until the end of this campaign. Let’s establish a “Journalist-Beater of the Year” award right away.

P.S. As I was about to post this, I learned that the Channel 5 board has decided to retain Slisarenko, and instead has reprimanded him for breach of editorial policy.

It turns out that the board has found him guilty of bias and misquoting. Well, makes you wonder what the policy says about newsworthiness and the public’s right to know. And finally, how does it square with the previous statement that Slisarenko left “of his own free will?”

Not All Brands Are Created Equal: Witness the Evolution of Yanuk!

Agreed, it’s a small world, but who would have believed?

If Blue Concept ever needs a celebrity endorser for the Ukrainian market, they should know their options. Well, maybe our guy should make the first move, by aggressively cross-bundling himself with the jeans brand to better reach the youth voting market.

“Witness the evolution of Yanuk” reads like a public relations doppelgänger that rivals the sales pitch crafted by Yanukovych spin doctors.

The Ukrainian flag makes its way to the floor of the Verkhovna Rada. Interestingly, it then “cohabited” for several days with the Ukrainian Socialist Republic’s blue-red banner until completely replacing it.

З Днем Незалежності, Україно! Happy Independence Day, Ukraine!

Today, Ukraine celebrates her Sweet Sixteen, still full of adolescent insecurity as she reaches adulthood.

I’m proud to recall that on August 24, 1991 — the day our country declared her independence — my dad and I were rallying outside the Verkhovna Rada, among thousands of other Ukrainians young and old.

We saw history in the making. We consigned the USSR to the dustbin of history, finalizing Ukraine’s centuries-long struggle for independence.

Great links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Declaration_of_Independence_of_Ukraine
http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/8/24/63019.htm
http://photo.unian.net/ukr/themes/13 http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Chicken_Kiev_speech http://www.ukrweekly.com/Archive/TOC_files/91/TOC_090191_3516.shtml http://www.ukrweekly.com/Archive/TOC_files/91/TOC_120891_4916.shtml http://www.ukrweekly.com/Archive/TOC_files/91/TOC_122991_5216.shtml

Parliamentary Campaign Gains Momentum

In the close race of the 2007 campaign, the main contenders claim credit and assign blame as they see fit.

The Party of Regions touts economic growth (but not the underlying income distribution) and exploits its self-styled notion of stabilnist, or political stability, as the vote-getter. On closer examination, one can detect paternalistic, if not cronyist, undercurrents in that value proposition.

PM Yanukovych will strive to atone for the broken promise of “better living today” with modest last-minute wage increases. Fearing a damning referendum on its "regionomic" policies, the Blue camp will frame the Orange camp for “putting spokes in its wheels.”

Note the extensive use of fear appeals early in the PRU campaign — a defection prevention program targeted at its core electorate. Later on, however, tub-thumping and attack advertising was phased out in favor of soft-sell and contrast techniques that appeal to undecideds, the most coveted prize.

BYuT and NUNS are vying for a bigger slice of the Orange pie, boastful of their Promethean role in bringing about the elections.

NUNS markets the image of a born-again, gutsy President Yushchenko and the movement to lift parliamentary immunity to end the practice of sheltering lawbreakers. In a me-too manner, the PRU has rolled out its own beggar-thy-MP program to slash the MPs’ overblown salaries and perks.

But experts caution that procedural intricacies and the expected makeup of the next Verkhovna Rada make this noble cause appear more inspirational than operational.

BYuT, energized by its victory in the Constitutional Court that restores public employee benefits, will expand on its leader’s feminine mystique.

Nothing works better for her than the charismatic notion of girlpower: the heart-in-hand icon of a justice-seeking amazon that Tymoshenko has cultivated over the years. It perfectly sets her apart from the rest of the Orange camp, largely a boys’ club.

And by the way, her emotionally charged Joan of Arc ethos has found a new creative outlet. Few have failed to notice cryptic ads featuring handpicked “endorsements” from Michelle Nostradamus, the 16th-century French apothecary whose writings are widely interpreted as prophetic. Many viewers might be intrigued by the idea that this source, well-known in Ukraine, has something important to say about her.

Even more politically provocative were some of her other ads. Ukrainian television channels unanimously refused to air an ad that lumped together Yushchenko, Moroz, and Kuchma until it was edited for “political correctness.” The publicity this story generated on the Web more than offset any losses due to censorship. The Ukrainian Breakthrough, Tymoshenko’s can-do white paper, caused a commotion in cognoscenti circles.

The campaign will climax in September, as vacation season draws to a close and people pour back into their daily lives.

Yushchenko Issues Fourth Election Decree

Today’s presidential decree covers all legal bases, ensuring that the Sept. 30 parliamentary election will not be sabotaged on a technicality.

Frommer’s: Travel Experts in the 50s

Yesterday, I ran across Cyber Cossack’s recent post that sounded too bad to be true — until I saw what I saw.

As you can see, the post-Soviet reality has somewhat eluded Frommer's, one of America’s best sources on travel. Click here to view the original map displayed on the site.

Strangely enough, the map imparts a bizarre sense of history. While the Baltic states, of which only Estonia is identified, appear to be an entity separate from Russia, neither Ukraine nor Belarus enjoys the same status. (Washington recognized Ukraine’s independence on Dec. 25, 1991, a few weeks after the leaders of the major Soviet republics signed the Belovezhsky Treaty disbanding the USSR.)

By that time, Germany was unified, as shown in the map, but former Yugoslavia republics were still struggling to find their way to the world map. At best, one can look to this map as a chronologically inconsistent snapshot of Europe circa 1991. Being 16 years too old, this map belongs in an archive, not on an active site devoted to travel. (Unless, of course, the site deals with time travel.)

This discovery prompted me to write a letter of complaint, suggesting that the site’s slogan be changed to “Travel Experts in the 50s.”

Some numbers indeed have remained quite stable during the last 50 years, though. While Europe on 5 Dollars a Day is a relic of the past, Ukraine on 5 Dollars a Day is the lot of millions of Ukrainians.

P.S. After I shared this map with Strange Maps, I received the following response from Darrel Jones:

Missing from Taras’s map (see #19, above):

Andorra, Monaco, San Marino, Vatican City, Belarus, Moldova, Ukraine

Appearing but unlabelled (apparently because there are no “travel opportunies”, i.e., tours, in that country): Latvia, Lithuania, Slovenia, Albania.

Well, I guess, Ukraine is a slightly different case. The absence of travel opportunities could account for such “unidentified” countries as Latvia and Lithuania, which are shown as blank spaces with set borders.

But when it comes to Ukraine — a country the size of France/Texas with a population of 46 million — one can find no corresponding blank space. Ukraine’s borders and the country itself are totally missing from that map. (Belarus and Moldova are accorded the same treatment.)

Instead, we have a big Russia: a red space whose borders match the Soviet Union’s, less the Baltics. Which makes this map ubber strange: the U.S. recognized Ukraine’s independence on Dec. 25, 1991, a mere three months after it reestablished diplomatic ties with the Baltics.

Lutsenko the Lobbyist?

It all began with the media being curious about Lutsenko’s recent vacation on Crete, where he stayed at a luxury hotel.

Responding to inquiries, Lutsenko stated that his household income, to which, he said, his wife, Iryna, had contributed as much as $100,000 last year, allowed him to do so. Ukrayinska Pravda decided to dig a little deeper.

After probing Lutsenko on his wife’s employment in a rather tense and uncooperative phone conversation, Ukrayinska Pravda learned that the firm that employs her as CFO is Українські новітні телекомунікації (Ukrainian Novel Telecommunications).

UNT turned out to be a family business run by Lutsenko’s close relatives, Yuriy and Olena Voskoboinikov, who hail from Lutsennko’s home oblast of Rivne. But wait until you hear this. Further investigation revealed that UNT, an auxiliary wireless service provider, may have profited from its ties to Lutsenko during his term as Minister of the Interior.

Several documents suggest that, as Minister of the Interior, Lutsenko may have assisted UNT in securing a contract with the Ukrainian government. It remains unclear, though, whether they actually made a deal.

UNT was supposed to boost communication capacity for law enforcement and to lower its costs, operating as an extension of MTS (then UMC), Ukraine’s second largest wireless company. The savings strategy appears to have extreme proportions: UNT does not have a Web site, nor does it have a decent office.

Damn it, Yura, is that true? If so, then we have a raging conflict of interest on our hands. Lutsenko, who ranks second in the pro-presidential NU-NS bloc, denied the allegation Thursday and accused Ukrayinska Pravda of character assassination. UP, in turn, welcomed Lutsenko to settle the issue in court.

Cherno to Get a Slot on the Reg List?

For Leonid Chernovetsky, Kyiv’s most unpopular mayor in well over a decade, reelection chances run low. Now that he’s given Kyivites a little taste of what it’s like to trade votes for vermicelli, repeating the 2006 score of 31.26 percent seems a tall order.

As mounting local pressure makes early elections possible, a reincarnation package may well be on its way, though. That the Party of Regions may pose as the rescue ranger has long been the talk of the town. In support of this theory, Ukrayinska Pravda has a quote from MP Hanna Herman, PRU:

"Але якщо він виявить таке бажання, це буде досить вдалий варіант і для нас, і для нього".

"Леонід Михайлович зараз знаходиться на своєму місці як мер, і дуже багато гарного робить для киян".

But if he should find himself so inclined, that will be quite a match, both for us and for him.

Leonid Chernovetsky is right where he should be as mayor, and is doing a lot of good things for Kyivites.

Oh yeah, he’s a miracle of a mayor for some. His vast experience in pre-election “loyalty programs” and post-election “land issues” makes him a precious asset for the Party of Regions.

Birds of a feather flock together. Given the PRU’s modest local score of 11.76 percent in 2006, the partners could balance each other out. In exchange for taking Chernovetsky under its wing and securing him a seat in the Rada, the PRU will gain better access to Ukraine’s biggest municipal piggy bank.

And if the movement for early mayor elections stumbles, allowing ChernoCo to continue doing all those “good things,” the partners will hit another jackpot.


Sources:

http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/7/23/61738.htm

http://www.pk.kiev.ua/city/2007/07/20/175223.html

A Phosphorus Test for the ‘Gov’t of Professionals’

Or should we say proffessionals? A total of 152 people have been hospitalized following the Monday train accident, 47 of them children.

A train carrying 15 tanks of liquid white phosphorus derailed near the western Ukrainian village of Ozhydiv, Lviv oblast. As a result, 6 tanks caught fire, releasing a toxic cloud that spread over an area of 35 sq miles. Residents of neighboring villages were evacuated, some of them using their own transportation.

Vice-Premier Oleksandr Kuzmuk, chief coordinator of the relief effort, initially compared the disaster to Chernobyl, but soon toned down his estimates. While the accident stands no comparison with Chernobyl, a Soviet-style cover-up campaign of sorts may well be the case.

In the face of parliamentary elections, Mr. Yanukovych — the No.1 Proffessional — needs to have his anatomy covered. At what cost? According to a report quoted in UP, to contain the negative publicity, clean up crews are forbidden to wear respirators.

It’s not so hard to believe, since former defense minister Kuzmuk, aka ‘Missile Man,’ has a proven record of experience in cover-up attempts. He denied role when, during a tactical missile exercise in 2000, a Tochka U hit a condo complex in Brovary, a town near Kyiv. In 2001, he was the last to take responsibility for accidentally shooting down a passenger plane in a Black Sea air defense exercise, which led to his resignation.

Last month, the SBU issued a memo that warned of a 68 percent wear-and-tear rate in the country's train pool. The Kazakh company that produced the Poland-bound cargo has vowed to repatriate the remaining tanks along with the contaminated soil.

The cause of the accident has yet to be determined. From media reports so far, it appears that investigators do not consider terrorism a top theory.

Photos courtesy of UNIAN

Still Don’t Believe in Socialism? Socialism Starts at Home!

Proletarians of all countries, check this out!

Ukrayinska Pravda continues with its housing survey of Ukraine’s top-ranking public officials. Its latest onsite inspection zeros in on the residence of Transport Minister Mykola Rudkovsky, a member of the Socialist Party.

According to publicly available records, in 2006 his family lived on a household income of $30,000. It must have been a bad year, since the mansion’s market value may be as high $5 m. One may wonder, however, why this piece of real estate is totally missing from the records. Do the math: Once sighted in an Aston Martin — James Bond’s car of choice — Rudkovsky denied ownership of that luxury vehicle.

UP remains hopeful that Minister Rudkovsky, who was not immediately available for comment, will share the secrets of his socialist success with the public.

Yanukovych Book Turns Ukrainian Flag Upside Down

Yanukovych's publishers have added a fresh dose of glamor to Yanukovych’s image as Proffessor. (In 2004, presidential candidate Yanukovych filed a handwritten application form riddled with mistakes, the word проффессор [proffessor] being the most outstanding.)

Ukrayinska Pravda posts the cover of his supposedly ghostwritten masterpiece. According to an earlier report, a copy was intended as a birthday present to the “author” himself. As you can see, the blue-yellow banner, which normally symbolizes the blue sky above yellow grain fields, is arranged a bit differently.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. For a book titled After a Year in Power: From Crisis to Economic Growth, that expression rings so true. Undoubtedly, it’s the picture that gives meaning to the words.

McDonbas: Ukrainian Hryvnia 41 Percent Undervalued

This year’s edition of The Economist’s Big Mac Index has a lot to tell about Ukraine.

First published in 1986, the Index relies on the price the U.S. Big Mac as the benchmark for tracking the local prices of the world’s best known fast food item. By simple math, it calculates the purchasing power parity (PPP) for each country and compares it against each country’s official exchange rate.

The resultant burgernomics serves as a country-by-country gauge of consumer prowess and as a guide to who’s who in the global economy. Agreed, the underlying methodology may have its limitations, just as adjustments for price and currency fluctuations have to be made. (A real-time picture requires real-time inputs.)

Still, Ukrainian economists have long considered the hryvnia’s undervaluation a fact of life. Ukraine’s rating of -47 (or -41 if we use more recent data) means that 2.77 hryvnia per U.S. dollar would be more accurate than today’s official exchange rate of 5.05.

As the main beneficiary of this hefty discount, the ruling Party of Regions should partner with McDonald’s in integrating these mouthwatering financials into its parliamentary campaign menu. After all, PRU members top the ranks of those happy Ukrainians who cash in on the robust metal exports powered by a weak hryvnia.

And as cheap laborers, Ukrainians deserve full disclosure of where their Big Mac leaves them. It leaves them in a world of funhouse mirrors: with a McDonbas economy that makes it so damn hard for them to say “I’m loving it.” The Big Mac reality is the missing ingredient in ads like this:

Тільки Віктор Янукович та Партія Регіонів довели, що вони мають досвід ефективно керувати урядом, що досягає результатів! Стабільність, ефективність, продуктивність - ось справжні лідерські якості, яких Україна потребує, щоб покласти край хаосу та знову стати на шлях розвитку!

Only Viktor Yanukovych and the Party of Regions have a proven record of experience in efficient governance that delivers results! Stability, efficiency, productivity! These are the true leadership qualities that Ukraine needs in order to put a stop to the chaos and get back on the development track!

We could argue that the development track in the Regionalist vocabulary refers to the developing world, as can be observed from Ukraine’s position on the Index. Our neighbors include:

Thailand, -45
Sri Lanka, -46
Philippines, -46

Well, that’s hardly surprising since consultants to Yanukovych have a proven record of experience in catering to Philippine leaders.

Sources:

http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/7/9/61285.htm
http://delo.ua/news/economic/theme/info-41325.html http://www.economist.com/markets/indicators/displaystory.cfm?story_id=8649005

Welcome to My Humble Abode!

As “people all over Ukraine struggle to make both ends meet” — the truth championed in a recent Party of Regions ad — some people obviously defy the order of the day. Their luxury lifestyles know no end.

Ukrayinska Pravda takes a closer look at a privately-owned Black Sea summer house where Yanuk stops by. Breathtaking, isn’t it? In 2005, according to his publicly available tax returns, Yanukovych made 38,000 hryvnias, or $7,525. Had the guy not blown his cover, this information should have put international food relief organizations on alert.

Check out Tymo’s residence, which she, in her own words, rents.

Pinchuk’s Eurotalk

"Я не впевнений, що в кінці дороги євроінтеграції ми повинні вступити до ЄС, але ми повинні пройти цей шлях".

“I’m not sure that having come to the end of the EU integration road, we should join the EU, yet go to the distance we should.”


"Без цієї моркви - вступу до ЄС – неможливо примусити провести реформи в Україні", - додав Пінчук”.

“Without this carrot — that is, EU accession — it would be impossible to pass reform in Ukraine.”


“Ми будемо такі круті, що самі вибиратимемо, з ким об’єднуватися".

“[Once we’re there] we’ll be so cool that it will be up to us to choose who to associate with.”


"Його роль у євроінтеграції України дуже важлива. Він позитивно ставиться до України і за вчорашній день воно покращилося"

“His [Schröder’s] role in Ukraine’s EU integration is very important. He is positive on Ukraine, and since yesterday his stance has improved.”


"Я вважаю Партію регіонів прихильником європейської інтеграції. Вони це багаторазово декларували, але я особисто це відчуваю і в цьому переконаний".

“I consider the Party of Regions a supporter of [Ukraine’s] EU integration. They have repeatedly stated that, but I personally feel it and am convinced of it.”

Source: http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/6/30/60955.htm

Talking Eurotalk: Pinchuk Brings Prominent Leaders to Yalta to Discuss Ukraine's Accession Prospects

The Yalta European Strategy (YES), a loose alliance of “friends of Ukraine” among Western political elites is holding its fourth annual meeting in Yalta.

This Black Sea resort, known as the cradle of the Cold War, has become something of an ego spa for billionaire Viktor Pinchuk to bask in favorable publicity. It is there that former president Kuchma’s son-in-law surrounds himself with the glitterati and cognoscenti to celebrate his chronic graduation from localcrat to cosmocrat, using YES as a public relations conduit.

Founded in 2003 under the aegis of the Pinchuk Foundation, YES sprang to life on the eve of Kryvorizhstal’s heavily discounted privatization and Ukraine’s rigged presidential election. So, yes, the timing tells it all. And so does the branding choice, if you apply an ounce of Freudian analysis to it. Considering Kuchma’s role in shaping Ukrainians’ travel opportunities and treatment abroad, the YES brand projects a tremendous sense of black humor.

No wonder Pinchuk’s pet project has been a "Eurotalkathon:" an organization with no quantifiable objectives and no progress reports.

What’s in the pipeline for Ukraine? This year we hear Kwaśniewski talk of 2020 as the most realistic EU accession date for Ukraine; we marvel at Schröder’s undying passion for GasPutin; we meditate on Clinton’s pep talk.

Clinton seems to have thoroughly repressed the memory of the cheerleader act he pulled for Kuchma during his May 1995 visit to Kyiv. Here’s a quote from a speech he delivered at Taras Shevchenko University:

In the pursuit of peace and prosperity, you have been well-served by President Kuchma and his government's bold and farsighted leadership. You should know this: As you build your future, the United States will stand with you.

Sounds prophetic, doesn’t it? Well, this time he joked about importing Ukrainian budgeting talent to solve America’s deficit problem. Be careful what you wish for, Mr. President.

Sources: http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/6/28/60934.htm

Yanukovych Upsets Putin by Taking Seat a Bit Too Early

While meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin Thursday, Ukrainian PM Viktor Yanukovych stoked up his collection of faux pas with yet another spicy edition.

As the two leaders took to the table, our man Yanukovych cut Putin short, landing his own rear end first, in gross violation of diplomatic protocol. This unauthorized seating sequence visibly disturbed Putin, Ukrayinkska Pravda writes, quoting a report in Komersant.

We always hurt the ones we love. But wait a minute, what if it was a carefully planned reprisal for Putin’s premature congratulations and the infamous candy rejection scene?

Short of that, one can see piles of work left undone by the K Street consultants who have coached Yanukovych during the last few years.

Ukraine Makes IPO Debut on London Stock Exchange

Ukrainian ore enrichment giant Ferrexepo plc, owned by MP Kostyantyn Zhevago, BYuT, Wednesday introduced Ukrainian equity to the London IPO market. Since the stock began trading, the company’s market capitalization has reached ₤848 m, up 40 percent from its opening price.

Ferrexpo’s IPO, a groundbreaking event for Ukraine, marks a positive trend in its economy: a tradeoff between cost of capital and asset control. As Ukrainian chaebols flock to Western financial markets, they give up a portion of control over what has been a closely held economy bolstered by a hot commodity market. The Ukrainian economy is entering a post-privatization stage, one in which the laundry list of inefficiencies inherited from the Soviet era will not be tolerated.

With the right mix of public pressure and government policy, the trend promises to put a "restraining order" on business and politics to keep a healthy distance between each other. This, in turn, will put Ukraine on the right track, ensuring a climate shift toward social responsibility and innovation.

The change in the game will accelerate Ukraine’s diversification into hi-tech, value-added industries — a knowledge economy that will raise living standards.

Source: http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/6/20/60609.htm

“Circle of Life” or “Circle of Lies?”
Elton John Feat. The Kuchma Family Perform at Maidan

As part of his global campaign against the AIDS epidemic, Sir Elton John visited Kyiv, where, on Saturday night, he gave a concert. He camped at Maidan Nezalezhnosti (or Independence Square), the heart of the now-comatose Orange Revolution.

Approximately one percent of Ukraine’s population of 46 million are HIV-positive. Every day, some 49 Ukrainians contract the virus, which puts Ukraine in the ranks of European “leaders” in this death race.

Ironically, the author of the “Candle in the Wind” was brought here by marketing communications whiz Olena Franchuk and billionaire Viktor Pinchuk, former president Kuchma’s daughter and son-in-law, respectively. These two high net worth individuals have gotten into the habit of posing as “philanthropists” in a country impoverished by Kuchma’s favoritism-driven privatization policies, which made Ukraine a fertile ground for AIDS.

The show kicked off with AIDS awareness ads by Elton John and David Beckham, followed by a feature film “starring” the incredible Olena Franchuk, head of the local Anti-AIDS foundation. Throughout the film, Kuchma’s daughter made passionate overtures to HIV-positive children. Using slice-of-death scenes, she took pains to help her fellow Ukrainians get a hold of the problem.

Elton John, hardly a guru on who’s who in Ukraine, referred to Franchuk and Pinchuk as “friends” and even dedicated a song to them. He also threw the in front of Ukraine [Soviet-era usage] and related to the audience with Russian spasibo instead of Ukrainian dyakuyu.

This made him sound like he could have used some expert advice from Daddy Kuchma's "national bestseller," Ukraine Is Not Russia. By the way, Daddy K did attend the event. However, sharing the VIP sector with President Yushchenko made him an unlikely candidate to “feel the love tonight.”

The show went well and the public responded energetically, even though the playlist did not include a good many hits like “A Word In Spanish,” “Simple Life,” “Made In England,” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.” Unlike first lady Kateryna Yushchenko, who, being born into a Ukrainian American family, studied the stage with lively interest, President Yushchenko sat tight through the whole show.

“Circle of Life,” Elton John’s valedictory song, watered my eyes, engulfing me in an emotionally intense flashback. The Lion King (1994) soundtrack is one of the theme songs of my teen experience of growing up in Kuchma’s Ukraine. As a member of the global MTV Generation, I passed my TOEFL test in 1994, at age 14. That same year, Leo II (Kuchma) became “king” of Ukraine.

Now that I’ve grown up in what has become an AIDS-stricken country, I find Elton John’s commitment praiseworthy. He remains one of the world’s greatest artists and an honorary citizen of my teen world.

But there’s the other side to this sentimental moment of truth: His “friends” belong to the unstoppable and untouchable caste of Ukraine’s oligarchy, whose footprint has impressed AIDS into the social fabric of society.

In practical terms, though, Ukrainians must assume primary responsibility for protecting themselves against AIDS, a disease they contracted through Kuchma’s corrupt rule. At the end of the day, we only have ourselves to rely on in getting the “Circle of Lies” syndrome out of our system. There’s no other way we can live our lives to the fullest in the true “Circle of Life.”


Circle Of Life

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say Live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

CHORUS:
In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, in the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

CHORUS REPEATS

http://www.absolutelyrics.com/lyrics/view/elton_john/circle_of_life/

P.S. Before he closed the show, Elton John redeemed himself by speaking a little Ukrainian: “Zupynymo SNID razom!” (“Let’s stop AIDS together!”)

Persona Non Grata Aleksandr Dugin on Ukraine

Оранжевый цвет - цвет растафарианизма, афро-наркотического мессианизма. Он вызывает психотропное воздействие. Показательно, что это цвет отсутствует в традиционной иконописи - его химический характер указывает на синтетические процессы, химию и галлюциногенные наркотики. Оранжевый - цвет т.н. "психоделической революции" и "лигалайз"-культуры. Обычно на оранжевом фоне изображаются стебли марихуаны.

Ющенко обращается к молодежи: "курни, браток", больше не надо будет работать. Это почти африканский стиль карго-культа - новая Украина мыслится как страна "делай, что захочешь!", а будешь жить как в Голландии. По сути это ультралиберальная программа. Ничего из этого, естественно, не получится, Украина станет глубокой и нищей периферией, кстати, ее скорее всего ни в какую Европу и не возьмут, так что "оранжевые" фанаты будут смиренно пить оставшийся от великой советской эпохи вагонный денатурат.

Orange is the color of Rastafarianism, or Afro-drug-induced Messianism. It produces a mind-altering effect. It is noteworthy that this color is missing in traditional icon art: Its chemical makeup points to synthetic processes, to chemistry and to hallucinogenic narcotics. Orange is the color of the “psychedelic revolution” and of the “legalize” culture. Orange customarily supplies the background to depictions of marijuana.

Yushchenko speaks to the youth: “Smoke a joint, pal.” You won’t have to work anymore. It almost strikes as the African style of the cargo cult: a new Ukraine being thought up as the country of do-as-you-please. And yet you'll only end up living like they do in Holland. Essentially, it’s an ultraliberal agenda. Naturally, nothing will come out of it: Ukraine will become a lowdown and destitute peripheral entity. By the way, most likely it won’t be accepted into Europe, so the orange fans will be sheepishly drinking Soviet-era industrial alcohol.


Янукович символ стрэйт. Т.е. недалекого натурала с сильными "полубандитскими" наклонностями. Он не сулит обновления, если под обновлением понимать смену пола. Янукович стал пророссийским и евразийским кандидатом во многом против своей воли. Силой геополитической логики. И он сам явно не до конца осознает своей функции. Но в эсхатологических ситуациях порой разбойник и простец могут стать мучениками за идею и предводителями финального восстания. Чем быстрее Янукович осознает глубину этой миссии - пусть через систему своих донецких понятий - тем адекватнее он будет вести себя в дальнейшим. В принципе ему открыта славная дорога борьбы с мировым злом в лице оранжевого урода, марионетки Запада.

Януковичу надо становиться сейчас во главе восстания Евразии против Атлантики. На нем сгустились тучи великой войны континентов. И там где прогнется парт-функционер или генерал из пацифистов, может быть - дай Бог! - рецидивист с парой ходок станет стеной. Янукович - это избранный сосуд эсхатологичсекого чуда. Но сущность чуда в том, что оно происходит очень редко. Только в чрезвычайных обстоятельствах. Но сейчас партия Януковича - это партия Абсолютного Света, евразийская версия "Хезболлы" - "партии Бога".

Yanukovych symbolizes the straight man, that is, a heterosexual person with a strong “semi-thuggish” propensity. He promises no renewal, if by renewal we mean sex reassignment. To a great extent, Yanukovych became the pro-Russian and Eurasian candidate against his will. Enter the forces of geopolitical logic. Obviously, he does not fully realize his function. But in eschatological situations it is sometimes the robber and the simpleton who becomes the martyr for the cause and the leader of the final showdown. The sooner Yanukovych realizes the depth of his mission — may it even be via his Donetsk mob culture — the more adequately he will behave in the future. Basically, he has an open road of glory before him in the struggle against the world’s evil represented by the Orange Ogre, a puppet of the West.

Yanukovych should now take the reigns of Eurasia’s revolt against both sides of the Atlantic. The clouds of the war of continents are heavy upon him. And whereas, the party functionary or the general of pacifism will cave in, the habitual criminal who served time, it is probable — God willing — will become a bulwark. Yanukovych is the chosen jar of an eschatological miracle. But the gist of this miracle is that it happens quite rarely. It only happens under an extraordinary set of circumstances. But as of today the party of Yanukovych is the party of the Absolute Light, the Eurasian version of Hezbollah, the Party of God.

Source: http://www.evrazia.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=2138

Russia Tumbai, or Political Crossdressing — PRU Style

«Общеизвестно: американцы - лучшие маркетологи в мире. Не сделать таких профессионалов частью команды - просто глупо. Кто лучше других раскроет плюсы предлагаемого социального пакета? Кто лучше объяснит макроэкономические показатели? С Партией регионов на выборах будет работать команда, состоящая из лучших специалистов, которые есть в мире”.

"We all know Americans are the best marketing talent in the world. Failure to make these professionals part of the team would simply be stupid. Who can best spell out the major selling points of the social contract we offer? Who can best explain the macroeconomic indicators? In this election campaign, the Party of Regions will be working with a team that has on its board the best talent in the world."

— MP Borys Kolesnikov, PRU

Source: http://www.grani.kiev.ua/exp.php?ni=16821&type=2

P.S. Puts a whole new spin on that "Yankees go home!" business, doesn't it?

Caught in Crossfire of Cold War II
Putin Blasts ‘Tyranny in Ukraine;' Adviser to Yushchenko Persona Non Grata in Russia

A lingering political crisis still grips Ukraine. Over the last few weeks, we have witnessed a Serduchka-caliber performance by Yanukovych, who is now something of a drag queen for elections, acting in consort with diehard naysayer Moroz. We’ve also seen Yushchenko covering his bases with yet a third decree, which cements the agreed election date at Sep. 30.

Russia, whose presidential campaign kicks into gear amid historically high tensions with the West, has refused to be a passive observer in Ukraine’s internal affairs. Cold War II, Putin’s successor strategy, thrives on the phantom fear of NATO aggression. Among experts, there’s an industry-wide interpretation of it being a propaganda ploy with which to galvanize Russian society along the lines of anti-Americanism and Pax Sovietica nostalgia. The tagline, therefore, should read something like this: “They've got us surrounded. What are we, a bunch of suckers?”

The script appears to be simple and stupid:

Step one, brainwashing. Convince the Russian public that NATO, acting through its ‘puppet regimes’ in Ukraine, Georgia, and the Baltics, plots Russia’s total destruction.

Step two, solution-selling. Peddle “Baby Putin” as the one and only superman capable of saving Russia from this axis of evil.

By arousing patriotic sentiment at home, the Kremlin has successfully diverted attention from its routine business of siphoning gas and oil revenue to offshore banks. Educating the West on the virtues of Russian democracy has been a hard sell, though.

In his recent remarks — a melange of self-deprecating posturing and sarcasm — Putin joked about having spiritual ties with Mahatma Gandhi, whose death he said left him ‘with no one to talk to.’ To make it even more funny, he went on to picture himself as a ‘democrat of the purest kind,’ one whose hopes have been dashed by Ukraine’s ‘drift toward tyranny.’

Recently, Mr. GasPutin, as he is often nicknamed, has re-energized his rhetoric about ‘Ukraine living off cheap Russian energy.’ More heat came Tuesday when Russian authorities denied Mykola Zhulynsky entry to the country, preventing Yushchenko’s adviser and former Ukrainian minister of culture from visiting his relatives’ grave.

The incident opens another chapter in the persona non grata warfare between Ukraine and Russia. Zhulynsky, a moderate nationalist whose views pose as big a threat to Russia as French cultural protectionism would do to Hollywood, was picked as the target of a diplomatic reprisal. It turns out Ukraine had incurred the wrath of the Kremlin when it had blacklisted Aleksandr Dugin, the famous Russian political scientist with a neo-imperialist agenda.

For a country frequented by high-profile foreign politicos who treat its independence with disdain and publicly challenge its territorial integrity, Ukraine has shown a profound degree of tolerance and hospitality. Few countries would tolerate that sort of behavior on their soil.

Unlike Vladimir Zhirinovsky and Konstantin Zatulin, whose persona non grata status has recently expired, allowing them to test Ukraine’s patience again, Mykola Zhulynsky carried no bag of tricks with him. Ukrainian foreign affairs minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk has vowed to raise the issue with Russian leadership.

Medvedko Redux As Parliament Hammers Out Election Legislation

Thoroughly disappointed with the Piskun experiment, President Yushchenko has reinstated Oleksander Medvedko as Prosecutor General. Despite frictions, the Verkhovna Rada on Friday worked until midnight to pass the required legislation.