Yushchenko, Tymoshenko, Yanukovych, Firtash, Boiko, Lyovochkin, Putin, Medvedev, gas, the $5B loan... It's all in there!
Enjoy these political spoofs, brought to you by Obozrevatel and based on Nu, pogodi!(Well, Just You Wait!), the Soviet equivalent of Tom and Jerry.
My favorite line (translation mine):
Yushchenko: Країну ми прокутім/This country we'll be looting Tymoshenko: Бабла одолжит Путин/We'll get the dough from Putin Yanukovych: Он воздух портит, выпуская газ/He spoils the air with his gas
I call them Tymoshenko Regionalists. The video you’re about to see features Oleksandra Kuzhel (PRU), a former MP who currently serves as Chairwoman of the State Committee on Regulatory Policy and Entrepreneurship.
Oleksandra Kuzhel:I was invited to this store. They were having a dis...a blowout footwear sale. I had never seen such a large number of people in that store when I arrived. So I took a pair of shoes at a price that I know they sell in Milan. That is, uh, the discount price equaled the real [Milan] price. And that’s the price that had already reflected a bribe...[spins her eyeballs in reverse mode]...a discount...of more than 80 percent.
Just watch her rapid eye movement! Why do our well-traveled/well-clad officials have such a geographically displaced sense of bribery?
It’s about time the Ukrainian diaspora in Italy followed up on Kuchma’s Ukraine Is Not Russia with an Italy Is Not Ukraine.
Chernovetsky escorted by babushkas and dedushkas "You don't have a chance!"
His new album
Lord of the LandThe Return of the King Pictured (clockwise): Chernovetsky, Yushchenko, Dovhy, Chernovetsky's son Stepan, Kilchytska, BalohaA spoof dedicated to Chernovetsky's reelection in May 2008
Adding fuel to the fire was information, leaked to the [Presidential] Secretariat, that Lady Y was “putting the charms” on Viktor Pinchuk with an eye toward having him engage in “lobbyism,” that is, in the well-placed choreography of her less-than-humble persona in Washington.
It’s no secret that Pinchuk is an old friend of the Clinton family, a sponsor of their foundation. In 2008, he was awarded the great honor of rendering financial assistance to the Obama campaign. Today, having won the laurels of a philanthropist and charity giver, Kuchma’s son-in-law has a lot of authority in the West. One can hardly call him the “leader of opinion,” but Viktor Mykhailovych’s* word still carries a lot of weight. [Viktor Mykhailovych Pinchuk (Pinchuk’s full name)]
In Europe, Tymoshenko’s “goodwill envoy” is Vice Premier Nemyrya; in Russia, it’s Viktor Medvedchuk; in Washington, she would like to have this role filled by Pinchuk. Now that he’s passed her “test of loyalty” in Davos with flying colors, literally laying it at YVT’s* feet, it’s even more apparent. [Yulia Volodymyrivna Tymoshenko (Tymoshenko’s full name)]
The question is, does Pinchuk himself want it? Especially, given his longstanding Dnipropetrovsk-era antagonism with Yulia Volodymyrivna — a blood feud, to be precise. [Both Pinchuk and Tymoshenko launched their careers in the heavily inudstrialized city of Dnipropetrovsk, which became a battleground of their disputes.]
In the Tymoshenko-Pinchuk affair, there can be only one motive: securing “protection” for his family and business, so that, for him, 2010 will not be a repeat of 2005.
Besides, no oligarch can avoid “self-determination” in the context of the presidential election. Everyone has their own way of “giving.” Some will “help” using money, some will “help” using other resources, and Pinchuk will “help” using connections and…air time. [Pinchuk reportedly controls ICTV, STB, Novy Kanal and M1.]
Actually, it was on this that Viktor Mykhailovych and Yulia Volodymyrivna agreed in the course of their latest and rather lengthy tête-à-tête meeting. The fact that at least one such “tryst” has occurred was gleaned by Oboz from credible sources in the government. Speakers from the Premier’s inner circle claim there have been several meetings.
I call them buckwits. They can sell their neighborhood's last tree, playground and ray of sunshine for a pack of buckwheat. That’s all it takes to buy their votes and screw them out of their senses again and again.
After that turbulent last Thursday, which shook his majority, along with his recent initiatives, he staged a buckwit rally outside the City Hall on Friday.
Kyiv Mayor Leonid “Kosmos” Chernovetsky: Cher-no-vets-ky! Buckwits: Cher-no-vets-ky! Cher-no-vets-ky!
Chernovetsky: Let’s take a look… [puts on glasses] Buckwits: There are lots of us!
Chernovetsky: Now tell me, do you love me? Buckwits: Yes, we do!
Chernovetsky: Yes, we do! Buckwits: Yes, we do!
Chernovetsky: Is my wife beautiful? Buckwits: Yes, she is! Very beautiful!
Chernovetsky: The most beautiful? Buckwits: She’s superb! Superb! And your team is young!
Chernovetsky: Is that a yes or no? Buckwits: You’re the best!
Chernovetsky: Is my team the best? Buckwits: Ooooooo!
Chernovetsky: Does it love you? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: More than I do? Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Can’t hear you! Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: More than I do? Buckwits: Nooo! [pause]
Chernovetsky: Who else do you love? Buckwits: No one. [single voice]
Chernovetsky: Has there ever been more people here in Ukraine than today? Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Say it loud! Buckwits: Noooooo!
Chernovetsky: One more time! Buckwits: Noooooo!
Chernovetsky: Good! Does anybody here know how to whistle? Buckwits: Ooooooo! [audience whistles]
Chernovetsky: Wow! Well done! Buckwits: Ooooooo! [audience whistles]
Chernovetsky: Now, do you love our Lord Jesus Christ? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: Say it loud, do you love him? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: Let's cross ourselves. [crosses himself] Chernovetsky: Well, who else…hey, listen, do you love my [deputy mayor] Oles, Oles Dovhy? Buckwits: Yeees! Chernovetsky: Say 'very much!' Buckwits: Very much!
Chernovetsky: Would you like to snyat* him? Buckwits: Nooo! How can we? Glory to him!
*The Russian verb snimat (снимать) has more than one meaning. The intended meaning: to fire someone (“Would you like him fired?”) The unintended meaning: to hook up with someone (“Would you like to hook up with him?”). The way Chernovetsky phrased his question — and the tone in which he pronounced it — made it sound like a double entendre. The comic edge doesn’t end there if we keep in mind that the Ukrainian adjective dovhy (довгий)means long. Poor babushkas! You'll never know what you’re missing!
Chernovetsky: Say it loud! Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Okay. NOOO! Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Great, great! And who is fighting him — bribe takers, right? Buckwits: Yes! Corrupt officials! [young voice]
Chernovetsky: Shall we defeat corruption this year? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: Do you want to give bribes? Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Would you and your kids like to live like you do today? Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: Say it loud. NOOO! Buckwits: Nooo!
Chernovetsky: I think you’ve now warmed yourselves up, haven’t you? To keep you from freezing, let me tell you the following. Every day, I pray for Ukraine...for Kyivites...for my beloved, you know for whom. Buckwits: For babushkas.
Chernovetsky: For whom? Buckwits: For babushkas.
Chernovetsky: For babushkas? Buckwits: Yeees! And for dedushkas.
Chernovetsky: Here’s to the...do you love the babushkas? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: Do you call them every day? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: You’re not loud enough. You call them, don’t you? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: YES! Buckwits: Yes. Chernovetsky: Yes. You probably love dedushkas more, don’t you? Buckwits: Well, we do love babushkas. [single voice]
Chernovetsky: Okay, then. Do you love Kyivites? Buckwits: Yes!
Chernovetsky: Do you love ORDINARY KYIVITES? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: DO YOU LOVE THEM OR NOT??? Buckwits: Yeees, we do!
Chernovetsky: Good, I love them too. What about Ukrainians? Buckwits: Yes! [some said no]
Chernovetsky: Is Ukraine our motherland? Buckwits: Yeees!
Chernovetsky: O-U-R MO-THER-LAND! We’re not going anywhere from here. Now look, I pray for Ukraine, for Kyivites, for ordinary people — whom I love more than my life — for my kids, for your kids…for my grandkids, for your grandkids. Today, they are destitute, their living standards are bad. Can the Mayor protect them — all over Ukraine? Buckwits: Yes!
Chernovetsky: Can he or can he not? Buckwits: Yes, he can!
Chernovetsky: Yes, he can! Buckwits: Yes, he can!
Chernovetsky: Indeed, he can. It’s for real. Before age 40, I was destitute...like many Kyivites...but God gave me the opportunity to reach the shining top…which is called serving Him and nobody else but Him. [pause] Today, I don’t need money. I gave people a million times more than I ever took. And, every time, I pray and say: Lord [crosses himself], for everything I earn, for every kopiyka, I want to give back a thousand times more to every homeless boy, elderly babushka, elderly dedushka, to all Kyivites who are within their right to count on the fact that the Mayor has a heart, love for the people, and faith in God.
What can I say?
And then he sang that song again, this time using a song sheet.
Aside from the rallies and kindergartens, he also performs at St. Valentine’s Day parties.
But if they love no one but Chernovetsky, how can they love Jesus Christ, let alone Oles Dovhy? It’s amazing how some people responded to the “do you love Ukrainians?” question. They probably don’t belong here.
Well, Chernovetsky certainly thinks he does belong here. Where else would he strike that much gold?
Plus, he clearly wants to be the ‘mayor of Ukraine’ so he can love us more and more and more — more than his life.
Just ask his wife.
Alina Aivazova, wife: He loves you! As the wife, I hereby certify this. He loves you! He loves you! And now I want to hear: Do you love Leonid Chernovetsky? Buckwits: Yeees!
Alina Aivazova, wife: I kind of don’t get it. It seems you’re not loud enough. There are 50,000 people here, but I can’t hear every voice. Do you love Leonid Chernovetsky? Buckwits: Yeees! Alina Aivazova: Do you love Leonid Chernovetsky? Buckwits: Yeees!
Alina Aivazova: Then understand this: He loves you with a Godly love.
He should have fed them more buckwheat though.In that swallow-regurgitate cosmochesis, he sounds more vocal than the buckwits.
Meet Blue Noses, the Russian art duo of Alexander Shaburov and Vyacheslav Mizin.
Enjoy more of their works.
Click here for the rest, featuring Hillary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, George Bush and others. It's unclear whether PinchukArtCentre actually displayed the above two masterpieces. If they did, they certainly injected a dose of self-deprecation into the traditionally decadent environment there.
PuttingBill Clintonin the mix would be an asset to the collection.
They dislike each other, but their wardrobes overlap. They deserve each other, and it shows.
On February 5, the Party of Regions called PM Yulia Tymoshenko on the carpet but failed to sack her. MP Hanna Herman (PRU) didn’t fail to ask her question.
MP Hanna Herman (PRU): Dear Yulia Volodymyrivna, you’re speaking very convincingly — a bit too loud, but very convincingly. It’s a shame you always speak untruths convincingly, Yulia Volodymyrivna. [draws catcalls] Now, I remember how, in October...I remember how, in October, you were convincing the entire Ukrainian people. Let me quote your words...that I will close the doors before the crisis and the crisis will never impact Ukraine. These are your words, Yulia Volodymyrivna. Please tell us: Was it the usual female light-headedness or a strategic mistake of the Premier?
PM Yulia Tymoshenko: You know, uh, Mrs. Herman, uh, what the problem is here. The problem is in the very low culture of the legislative corps, but that goes for one of its factions only, thank God. [draws applause] When an MP can hurl abuse, degrading words that, by the way, do not merit the title of “woman.” I just wanted to give you some advice, so that you stay a woman at all times. [draws applause; Herman tries to respond] Next question, please.
Tymoshenko chose not to respond to Herman's criticism in substance. Instead, she carried Herman’s gender point further. She perfected it into an ad feminam argument: Being a woman matters more than being a professional, so the argument goes.
To meditate on Tymoshenko’s carefree womanpower concept, let me offer you collection of songs by professional women singers.
Not only does he compare himself to Midas, but he also appears to be moonstruck.
Ladies and gentlemen, babushkas and dedushkas, welcome the incredible Mayor of Kyiv, Leonid "Kosmos" Chernovetsky!
This is a cover version of a song by Mikhail Shufutinsky. One of its soul-searching verses rang a bell in my head. I took the liberty of translating it:
О чем-то дальнем, неземном (0:50, 1:04) О чем-то близком, дорогом (0:56, 1:12) Сгорая, плачут свечи Сгорая, плачут свечи
Of something distant, not from Earth Of something dear, very close The candles here are crying The candles here are crying
To me, it kind of echoes the refrain from "Pardonne-moi ce caprice d'enfant" ("Forgive Me This Childish Whim") by Mireille Mathieu.
Pardonne-moi ce caprice d'enfant Pardonne-moi, reviens moi come avant Je t'aime trop et je ne peux pas vivre sans toi
Forgive me this childish whim Forgive me, come back to me as before I love you too much and I can't live without you
Is that rip-off meant to comfort the poor heartbroken babushkas whom he wanted to rip off every time they visited a cemetery or a doctor?
Once an asset in Yushchenko’s tug of war with Tymoshenko, the Kyiv mayor is now becoming a liability. (Now that the Presidential Election 2010 looms high.)
“He may be a bastard, but he’s our bastard,” so Yushchenko’s thinking went as he turned a blind eye to the massive land grabs and barbaric construction in Kyiv.
As if awaking from this induced coma, Yushchenko is now keeping a more watchful eye on Chernovetsky’s capers.
He has nixed the manifold utility hike for businesses, paid entry to cemeteries, and paid services at public HMOs. Moreover, Yushchenko’s chief of staff, Viktor Baloha, is threatening to fire Chernovetsky from the city state administration post. (Due to Kyiv’s special legal status, Chernovetsky holds two offices: mayoral, which reports to the City Council, and city state administration, which reports to the President.)
His throne shaking, Chernovetsky is now serenading Yushchenko, his onetime guardian angel, trying to appeal to the President's “better self.”
Kyiv Mayor Leonid “Kosmos” Chernovetsky: Today, uh, the President intervened for me, because the administration [Baloha] already, uh, wants to replace me with someone else. Everywhere there’s treachery, abuse, and that’s no way to work. I work 24 hours a day like [Severodonetsk Mayor] Vladimir Emelyanovich* and I enjoy everything I do. Whether it works or not, Vladimir Emelyanovich, everything I touched always turned to gold.
Enjoy a few more moments from the Tuesday meeting of the RNBO (Rada natsionalnoyi bezpeky i oborony, or National Security and Defense Council).
President Yushchenko: First, the gas price is raised unjustifiably high, then validol is administered: must be hard on you, eh? We’re giving you a boundless loan so that you can pay for what you can’t cover. Then, this loan must be repaid. The budget will not repay this money. It’s understood. The National Bank of Ukraine will say that it has a reserve limit below which it will not go. There’s only one way to service the debt of national state monopoly NAK Naftogaz: its bankruptcy...a bankruptcy with all the assets to be sold toward the settlement of the loan.
PM Tymoshenko: In fact, an attempt was made today — and it’s in progress now — to break all the direct agreements between NAK Naftogaz and Gazprom and to revert to the corrupt shadowy intermediaries RosUkrEnergo. Just in case, I want to tell you that the 11 billion cubic meters of [technological] gas that state enterprise NAK Naftogaz and the entire Ukraine obtained at a discount price of $159.3 — they now want, via an RNBO resolution, to return it to RosUkrEnergo, a private entity, from which they plan to make a profit of at least 4 billion dollars.
Interestingly, the RNBO website does not offer an English version (not even a crappy one) and yet boasts a highly creative English-language URL: http://www.rainbow.gov.ua.
At least, the penny-wise and dollar-stupid leprechauns in the government drop some hints as to the whereabouts of the proverbial pot of gold.
Speaking at a national security meeting Tuesday, President Yushchenko breathed fire at PM Tymoshenko’s dealings with Russia and emphatically denied role in corrupt gas schemes.
I translated some of the juicy quotes (as originally quoted by Ukrayinska Pravda):
The hardest thing morally and psychologically is to comment on the fact that behind these two grand gas agreements a secret Molotov-Ribbentrop protocol was made, when it comes to the $5B loan on the part of Russia.
I find it revolting that, as part of the consultations, without the approval of the head of state, without the approval of parliament, the zero option is being considered.
See No. 11 where it says “the prospects of ratifying the zero option agreement.”
These are serious questions for the Ukrainian nation, ones that should not depend on the improvisation of one person, regardless of the person’s high rank.
The most cynical argument of the last few years was this: work without intermediaries. Should I say the government is working poorly, I get accused of being related to RosUkrEnergo.
I don’t want this, I’m sick of this. I was not involved in your stinky gas for a single day in my life — [it’s not true] that I had some sort of private interest in it, that either I or my family had some private interest in it! I have the honor to say this time and again.
“Not a single word of Mr. Yushchenko is true,” Tymoshenko struck back.
More quotes from Tymoshenko:
As Prime Minister, to cover the planned budget deficit, I contacted several countries to get loans as usual. Today, I’m having talks with all the countries, and all this hogwash that is being said — about some zero options, about the betrayal of national interests — these are non-negotiables.
If we manage to agree with any country in the world, it will be just a simple loan agreement with a market interest rate.
I haven't seen it for the life of me. There’s no Prime Minister’s signature on it. I don’t know where these photocopies came from.
On Thursday, she sent a delegation to Moscow angling for a loan of $5B at an interest rate of LIBOR +8 to +9% for a period of 5 to 7 years, Dzerkalo Tyzhnia reports. Ukrayinska Pravda obtained a copy of the delegation's directives. In Ukraine, the buck never stops. In Russia, they made big bucks during the oil boom. Like the IMF, they know what they want, and their interests never stop with the interest rate.
As a condition of granting the loan, Moscow requests the following:
Ratification of the so called “zero option” agreement whereby Russia assumes liability for all debts owed by the USSR while the other former Soviet republics abandon their respective claims on assets owned by the USSR
Resolution of disputes concerning Ukraine’s claims on Soviet property abroad and Russia’s claims on property in Ukraine
Recognition of debts owed by Ukrainian enterprises to Vneshekonombank as government debt
Is that too much to ask? Tymoshenko doesn’t think so.
So there she is, beating a path to Putin’s door, trading favors, and doing whatever it takes to get the presidency — whatever the cost.
The Pynzenyk memo refers to a written wake-up call from Finance Minister Viktor Pynzenyk that extrapolates current economic data and warns of an impending economic meltdown.
It surprises me when such a responsible person as the President draws his conclusions regarding the state of the budget based on reports from the Internet. I am not aware of any such official letter from the Minister of Finance, and that upon this letter, with such-and-such addressor and addressee, the head of state’s conclusions could be based. That is, [we’re dealing with] the Internet, that is, [we’re dealing with] some other opinion, which has nothing to do with reality or with what’s going on in the government.
However, at least two senior government officials had already confirmed the report, speaking on last Friday’s “Svoboda” talk show on Inter.
The “whistleblowers” are: Interior Minister Yuriy Lutsenko, who backs Tymoshenko, and Customs-Chief-Cum-Deputy-SBU-Director Valeriy Khoroshkovsky, backed by Yushchenko.
Interior Minister Yuriy Lutsenko: There’s nothing secret or extraordinary about this document. Every Cabinet member got one on their desk. Nobody forbade it from being sent, contrary to what some media outlets have written about it, and the way you’re now emphasizing the word secrecy is divorced from reality.
Talk show host: What’s your take on…
Lutsenko: It’s a working document of the Ministry of Finance, just like all other documents at the Ministry of the Interior, at the Ministry of Economy, and at the Ministry Transport.
Deputy SBU Director Valeriy Khorshkovsky: Yes, I’ve seen this memo. Moreover, we even discussed it with the Finance Minister, and I want to say that I even made certain amendments because some of the figures there were beyond my comprehension. Uh...it’s a real document...uh...frankly, I don’t know why it has stirred up such a commotion because, frankly, all that’s in there is a systemic look at all the problems that have been piling up during a rather long period of time.
So which one of them is not telling the truth?
Not only do they have conflicts of info in the Cabinet, but they also seem to have conflicts of interest.
Khoroshkovsky, in his own words, had insisted that the money should be “clean,” citing transparency concerns arising from the channel’s IPO preparations. This requirement had upset Tymoshenko. “Actually, it was after this that talk of some investors began,” Khoroshkovsky said.
Tymoshenko links Inter to Firtash and accuses the channel of bias and propaganda, a claim not without foundation. Firtash owns an option to buy a 50% stake in U.A. Inter Media Group Limited, which controls Inter.
On Thursday, the Party of Regions, whose MPs have lobbied on behalf of RosUkrEnergo, failed to gather enough votes to sack Tymoshenko, after calling her on the carpet in the Verkhovna Rada.
She serves as Secretary of the National Security and Defense Council. Before accepting Yushchenko’s job offer, she used to be a Party of Regions MP and, early in her career, a gynecologist.
In Ukraine, the road from rags to riches is often paved with civil service. Indeed, civil service works miracles in Ukraine. It makes them celebrities before they know it.
