Kid Pro Quo: Yatsenyuk to Helm Foreign Affairs

Surprise! Deputy Chief of the Secretariat Arseniy Yatsenyuk, 32, got a new job too.

Being a compromise candidate, he garnered a whopping 426 votes in the Rada on Wednesday. Analytically speaking, he’s reaping the dividends of his highly diversified portfolio of connections.

Other than that, he’s talented and energetic. Finally, the Yanukovych Cabinet has a guy who speaks a little English. (Ouch! Numb with shock, career diplomats like Tarasyuk could barely conceal their disdain.)

Anatoliy Kinakh has replaced Volodymyr Makukha as Minister of Economy. Speaker Moroz, posing as an expert on parliamentary democracy, has stated that the interests of the USPP should be represented in the government. Obviously, the alchemy of separating business from government must be entering some strange, shape-shifting phase.

Too bad Ukraine ranks a dismal 125th out of the 161 countries surveyed in the 2006 Index of Economic Freedom.

All of which suggests that cradle is not the only thing getting robbed in this country.

Kinakh Kisses Yu Goodbye

Tuesday’s session of the Rada opened with an ominous speech by MP Anatoliy Kinakh, NSNU, who presides over the Ukrainian Union of Industrialists and Entrepreneurs (USPP).

Mr. Kinakh made himself very clear: The confrontation between the government and opposition is eroding Ukraine’s competitive edge. He summed up his readout of the situation with the following, “We have no right to waste time; it’s time to gather stones.”

Don’t you get it? He’s joining the Yanukovych Cabinet! And he’s taking a loyal cadre of eight MPs with him. Here’s some fresh blood for Turncoats, Inc.

Kinakh, whose premiership from 2001 to 2002 superseded Yuschenko’s and preceded Yanukovych’s, will reveal his new job title tomorrow.

Happy landing, Mr. Kinakh! Best of luck in breathing the spirit of entrepreneurship into Ukraine’s 20th-century industry.

Lutsenko’s House Searched

They came early in the morning. They came looking for PCs and furniture to be seized as evidence in a second attempt of building an abuse of authority case. The idea is to prove Lutsenko guilty of "misappropriating" a gift gun to a certain entrepreneur in exchange for consumer goods.

Yanukovych has claimed no prior knowledge of the search, saying he learned about it on the news. Well, he should have read the morning papers. There’s an article in “Segodnya” that says a munitions cache has been discovered not too far away from Lutsenko’s premises. Why not call your best friend and get a free copy?

They haven’t booked Lutsenko yet, but interrogations have already begun. Just like that. Once you become a threat to the country’s “political stability,” somebody has to put the brakes on your geographic mobility. And in this regard, the Anticrisis Coalition is becoming all too predictable.

Sources: http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/3/20/56011.htm

Ohryzko Rejected Again

As expected, the Anticrisis-controlled parliament turned down Yushchenko’s pick for Foreign Affairs Minister. Word of advice for Ohryzko: If you really want this job, take a crash course in unlearning Ukrainian.

Stalin Big Boards to Discipline Donetskites

As the Dons of Donetsk file criminal charges against Lutsenko and take over banks and universities in Kyiv, the mortal denizens of Donetsk are having less fun. First, their utility bills tripled. Second, Generalissimo Stalin made a comeback — this time, in a slice-of-death advertising campaign launched by a local utility company slapped with mass non-payment.

According to company management, the use of Stalin as a visual image personality creates powerful associations with order and discipline. Not an unfounded claim in a city that had gone by the name of Stalino from 1924 to 1961. Of course, those creative people forgot to trace the blessings of “order and discipline” to Stalin’s experience in bank robbery and genocide.

Anyway, the message reads: “Comrades, this is not a movie. This is life. They who don't pay will be punished.”

Perhaps Angela Merkel should consider adopting these scaremongering practices to combat her country’s rampant unemployment. Don’t they have a mustached zombie of their own in Germany? So how about this: “Achtung! This is not a drill. They who don't work will be deported to Donetsk?”


Sources: http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/3/19/55951.htm

Bonus tracks: Soviet Anthem (English version, 1949)

A Trip to Kuchmaland
Lutsenko Rallies in Kharkiv, Dnipropetrovsk Obstructed by Pro-Yanukovych Local Authorities

Half-pregnant with new parliamentary — and perhaps even presidential — elections, 2007 looks very much like 2004. “Narodna Samo'oborona,” or “People’s Self-Defense,” an opposition submovement headed by former Interior Minister Yuriy Lutsenko that is haunting Ukraine in the runup to the long-awaited March on Kyiv, helps discover that similarity.

Talk about putting spokes in those wheels. Yanukovych and his allies seem to be intent on putting eastern Ukraine on the 2004 track.

But not all people take orders from Yanukovych there. In the three rounds of the 2004 presidential election, Kharkiv voted Yushchenko by 31.10, 21.11 and 26.12 percent, respectively. The figures for Dnipropetrovsk are 18.72, 29.62, and 32.01 percent.

Lutsenko’s roadshow in Kharkiv and Dnipropetrovsk gathered from five to ten thousand people. Of course, those estimates do not include the brotherly legions of Communists and Regionalists (read: Capitalists) who stormed the streets to protest the project that threatens to shatter their highly profitable partnership.

Securing a venue turned out to be a major problem in Kharkiv: Mayor Mykhailo Dobkin answers to the PRU. In Dnipropetrovsk — the city where Kuchma, as head of Yuzhmash, had spent most of his pre-presidential adulthood making ICBMs — Lutsenko survived a retaliatory egg attack. (A single egg to Yanukovych’s chest in fall 2004 downed him in one fell swoop and kept him in the hospital for several days. Watch Tymo’s eggsperience.)

Interior Minister Vasyl Tsushko, SPU, who has stocked up on police clubs and water cannons, and has populated his staff with Kuchma’s knights, has adopted Kuchma’s rhetoric as well. Speaking at a press conference that marked his first 100 days in office, he advised Ukrainians against participating in the March on Kyiv, calling it “political schizophrenia.” Well, look who’s talking. Hadn't Moroz, his party boss, shared the same stage with Lutsenko at Maidan?

Moscow to Close Its Only Ukrainian Library

Local authorities are planning to “reorganize” the one and only Ukrainian library in a city with an estimated one million people of Ukrainian descent. (This is not to mention that Moscow was founded by Yuriy Dolgorukiy, Prince of Kyiv, in 1147.)

The library opened a year ago. Interestingly enough, Moscow Mayor Yuriy Luzhkov, a front-runner of Russia’s claims on the Crimea, attended the opening ceremony.

Turncoats, Inc: Party-Shopping MPs Form Daughter Faction to Anticrisis Coalition

Apparent objective:

1. Act as a sponge for similar-minded MPs badly-needed by the Anticrisis Coalition to gain a supermajority (300 votes) with which to silence Yushchenko’s veto-making machine;
2. Maintain a pretense of acting independently.

Current membership list:

MP Inga Vershynina, former BYuT member
MP Maxym Lutsky, former BYuT member
MP Mykhailo Hladiy, former BYuT member
MP Mykhailo Zubets, former BYuT member
MP Olexander Borzykh, former BYuT member
MP Olexander Volkov, former NSNU member
MP Olexander Yedin, former BYuT member
MP Volodymyr Tolstenko, former BYuT member
MP Volodymyr Zaplatynsky, former NSNU member
MP Volodymyr Zubyk, former BYuT member

Ukrainian democracy has been suffering from post-election disenfranchisement for a long time. You come to the polls, you vote BYuT or NSNU, and the next thing you know a portion of people whom you voted into power to represent your interests is finding the grass to be greener on the other side.

Part of the blame goes to BYuT and NSNU. That’s what happens when you guys go selling parliamentary seats to gold-diggers. You can’t seriously expect more from people who can’t tell money-making from law-making. And so the never-ending story goes: “Money to get power, power to get money.”

Verka Goes to Helsinki!
Ukraine-Mocking Comedian to Represent Ukraine at Eurovision Song Contest

Yee-hah! Verka Serduchka, a faux female character created by Andriy Danylko impersonating a train conductor who can’t get enough of marginalizing Ukrainian culture alongside Russian chauvinist stereotypes, should be packing his bags for Helsinki. Ironically, whatever he sings there on May 12 will most likely be interpreted as a quintessence of Ukrainian culture.

Over the last decade, Andriy Danylko has perfected his kinky pseudo-ethnic character into a huge commercial success in Russia and eastern Ukraine. He won the ticket to Helsinki having outperformed several other artists in a nationwide SMS vote broadcast live on state television. So how does someone who masquerades as the Ukrainian equivalent of the N-word get to go to Eurovision? Well, I guess it tells a great deal about Ukraine’s post-Soviet identity crisis. So far, only one local FM station has voiced a protest.

If, for some reason, Kazakhstan fielded Sacha Baron Cohen, I’d rather vote for him than Andriy Danylko. After all, Borat Sagdiyev did not mess with Kazakhstan without making some pointed jabs at Amerikastan. With Verka Serduchka, it’s always been a one-way street.

Sold! ChernoCo Auctions Off 279 Acres of Land to RosUkrEnergo Co-Owner?

Brothers in public relations distress should be helping each other out, shouldn’t they? Pravda quotes a Komersant report that traces the newly acquired 279-acre patch of municipal land to Dmytro Firtash, the presumptive owner of the 45 percent stake in the notorious RosUkrEnergo.

The City Hall has already taken credit for the Tuesday transaction, comparing it to the iconic reprivatization of Kryvorizhstal. However, beyond the thin veil of the “open bid,” which pitted TOV Baski Plyus-2004 (ТОВ Баскі плюс-2004) against Investbudservis (Інвестбудсервіс), the picture looks anything but transparent. Try finding any of these ghost bidders on Google.

Starting price: UAH 869,359,000 (USD 172,150,297)
Hammer price: UAH 999,763,000 (USD 197,972,871)
The proud winner: TOV Baski Plus-2004, reportedly controlled by Mr. Firtash

It’s time to place bets on whether the housing project being advertised will push down Kyiv real estate prices below London levels.

Tymo Shoots Verbal Ammo at Reporter

Pravda has captured a moment of tension that spiced up Tymoshenko’s meeting with the Ukrainian diaspora in Washington.

The provocative question came from an RFE/RL reporter who has tortured Tymo with inquiries on whether she feared detention by American law enforcement due to her past involvement with Pavlo Lazarenko, the exiled former Ukrainian PM whose trial is nearing the end in California.

This time the reporter asked her how she was going deal with the thugs in the PRU while consorting with such controversial figures as Feldman and Hubsky, at which point she became visibly distressed.

What followed was an awkward attempt to regain composure using a two-pronged rebuttal that included self-victimization and ad hominem components.

Ми вішаємо мітки на людей, не розбираючи їх сутності. Запорукою того, що наша команда ніде не схибить, не відступить на жоден крок від стратегічного шляху є моє власне ім'я і моя власна позиція.

І я буду крок за кроком руйнувати опорних людей Партії регіонів на сході, я буду перевербовувати і забирати кращих організаторів процесу, і забиратиму їх для того, щоб вони не працювали на їх перемогу. Бо я вважаю, що перемогу ми отримаємо тоді, коли переконаємо людей на сході, що Партія регіонів – це не їх партія.

А ця молода людина на першій публічній зустрічі, яку я мала, він перший вирвався з запитанням "що ж ви сюди так довго не їхали, тому, що ви є подільник Лазаренка і ви не їхали, бо боїтеся, що вас заарештують". Я хочу вам сказати, я просто не хочу, щоб ви й 10% пройшли з того, що пройшла я, моя родина і моя команда. Бо я бажаю вам добра, але не будьте чорним піаром в Вашингтоні проти України. Бо це чорний піар не проти мене, а проти України. Але я звикла до цього. Я заздалегідь пробачаю всі провокації, які є, були і будуть в майбутньому.

We put labels on people without looking into their substance. The guarantee that our team will not err and will not stray a single step from the strategic course is in my good name and in my personal stance.

And step by step I will destroy the PRU henchmen in the east, I will woo away and reclaim the best talent in organizational matters, and I will reclaim them so that they do not work to precipitate a victory for the PRU. For I believe that we will win only when we convince the people in the east that the Party of Regions is not their party.

And this young man here, during the first public meeting I had, he was the first and he came up with this question, “So what took you so long? Is it because you’re Lazarenko’s accomplice and you’re afraid of being arrested?” I want to tell you that I simply don’t want you to go through even 10 percent of what my family, my team, and I have been through. I wish you well, but don’t be a smear campaign here in Washington against Ukraine. For this is not a smear campaign against me, but one against Ukraine. I got used to this. I forgive all the attacks in advance — those that have occurred, are occurring, and will occur.

The reporter drew catcalls from the Ukrainian American audience, which took the question a bit too personally, without giving thought to its merits. The way Tymo tried to make a sport out of shooting the messenger leaves no doubt that the guy hit the right spot.

Doesn’t the public have the right to know how, in the event of her comeback, she is going to manage her lyubi druzi?

If she wasn’t in the mood for a frank discussion, she should have injected humor into the situation, with something like, “Lazarenko? Let me think, why don’t you call Lt. Colombo and let him check things? I’ll be in touch.”

Instead, she threw a tantrum, exhibiting the very character flaws she has always trashed in Yushchenko.

Janukowytsch Does Deutschland

The land of beer and sausages has supplied a sizzling update to Yanukovych’s catalogue of faux pas. Pravda picks on the following episodes, in which Yanukovych

1. Bowed prematurely during the anthem ceremony with Chancellor Angela Merkel.

2. Rebuffed Merkel’s gastronomical niceties with, “I didn’t come here to dine, but to tell you about Ukraine.”

3. Put words in Merkel's mouth on Ukraine’s EU accession prospects.

4. Misspelled the name of former German President Richard von Weizsäcker as “Richard von Weizer…Weizer-berg.”

5. Projected a Boratish sense of humor, “Sitting here between two Alexanders, Kwaśniewski and Rahr, I can make a wish according to Ukrainian tradition. Whether it will come true I will tell you later.”

Scheiße! The German tour was off to a bad start when Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung came out with a scathing op-ed “Von der Marionette zum Lenker” (From Puppet to Chief) by Konrad Schuller. It wrought havoc on a soapy article “Janukowytsch für Neutralität der Ukraine” (Yanukovych for a Neutral Ukraine) published earlier in Die Welt by Russian-speaking political pundit Alexander Rahr.

Pravda quotes Yanukovych as saying, “Rahr is an interesting analyst and expert, and we’ve invited him to cooperate.” Well, well, well, Paul Manafort seems to have hired a German subcontractor for his reputation laundering operation in Ukraine.

Perhaps, there’s an opening position for boxing legend and former Orange Revolution fixture Vitaliy Klychko? (He happens to be the darling of Germans by virtue of having launched his career there.) How else should we interpret his increasingly frequent public appearances in close proximity to Herr Janukowytsch?

Election Warfare: PRU Wants an E-Day of Its Own

BYuT’s drive for new parliamentary elections and the annulment of Politreforma has provoked a response from with PRU.

As Tymo packs audiences in Washington, MP Vasyl Kyselyov, PRU, has announced a bill that would lump together parliamentary and presidential elections and slate them for Sept. 30.

Yanukovych, still sitting on the fattest pack of approval ratings, has no intention of detoxing himself from the political steroids of Politreforma. He has recently mentioned the idea of indirect presidential elections, that is, having the president elected by parliament. Yet, even if the Anticrisis-controlled Rada passes that chimeral bill, it will most likely lack the votes to override the presidential veto.

All of which suggests a rather blunt publicity stunt. The PRU, whose electoral fat reserves are dwindling in inverse proportion to Ukrainians’ rising costs of living, seeks post-hybernation relief. The list of countermeasures varies from courting Tymoshenko with a two-party system to terrorizing lame duck Yushchenko with early retirement. The trick is to keep the two from flying in formation.

Yanukovych: “We’ll Crush the Hands of Those Doing It”

И сегодня ставить нам шпильки, как говорят, в колеса, на различных уровнях мы никому не позволим! Мы руки поотбиваем тем, кто будет это делать! Почему? Потому что мы не за свое боремся, мы боремся за то, чтобы в стране был порядок. Это не личное...

And today we will not allow anyone to put, so to speak, spokes in our wheels, at various levels! We’ll crush the hands of those doing it. Why? It’s because we’re not fighting a turf war here, we’re fighting for order in this country. We have no ax to grind…

Charges to Be Dropped Against Shcherban?

What would you expect from a country whose President awards a Yaroslav the Wise (a political Oscar) to Mykhailo Potebenko, Kuchma’s Prosecutor General, who, among other things, persistently denied the existence of corruption in the Ukrainian government?

What would you expect from a country whose Prime Minister served two jail terms in a juvie? That’s what friends are for.

From Donbas with Love: Good PRU, Bad PRU

Part I: When Hanna Met Myke

Donetsk City Council Secretary Mykola Levchenko, PRU, quoted in Russian:

Без всяких сомнений русский язык станет вторым государственным. Почему идет такое сопротивление? Потому что противники русского языка прекрасно понимают, какие будут результаты. Украинский язык - язык фольклора. И с приданием статуса государственного русскому, необходимость говорить на украинском просто отпадет. Это не язык науки.

Он не умрет, на нем будут писать песни, рассказывать анекдоты, он станет фольклорным. А русский язык - язык науки, язык цивилизации. В уме все переводят на русский. И он будет государственным, вопрос только времени. Самое смешное, что это все прекрасно понимают. Русский язык не вытеснит украинский - нечего вытеснять. Заметьте, какая слабая позиция у защитников украинского языка. Они выступают за единственный государственный украинский язык. А защитники русского не выступают за один русский. Они выступают за два. Потому что понимают, какой язык более востребованный.

Давайте будем реалистами. Второй государственный язык не более чем формальность. В Украине государственный язык должен быть один - русский. И так рано или поздно будет.

There is no doubt that Russian will become the second official language. Why all the fuss? It’s because opponents of the Russian language understand very well what kind of results there will be. The Ukrainian language is the language of folklore. And once Russian becomes official, the need to speak Ukrainian will simply no longer be there. It’s not the language of science.

It won’t die: Songs will be written, jokes will be told — it will become folksy. As for the Russian language, it’s the language of science, the language of civilization. In their mind, everybody translates into Russian. And it will be official — it’s just a matter of time. The funny thing is, everybody very well understands it. Russian will not force Ukrainian out, there’s nothing to be forced out. Note how weak the stance of proponents of Ukrainian is. They stand for a single official language, Ukrainian. Defenders of Russian, however, do not stand for Russian as a single language. They stand for two. It’s because they understand which language is more in demand.

Let’s be realistic. A second official language is nothing more than a formality. In Ukraine, there should be one official language, Russian. And sooner or later, that’s the way it will be.

MP Hanna Herman, PRU, former spokeswoman for Yanukovych and, earlier, an RFE/RL host, quoted in Ukrainian:

Заява цього державного чиновника місцевого рівня свідчить не лише про його низьку культуру і неосвіченість, а й про свідому чи несвідому шкоду, яку він наніс єднанню українського народу, зближенню регіонів, вирівнюванню тих ровів розколу, які так наполегливо намагається засіяти зерном доброзичливості прем’єр.

Я переконана, Донецьк як місто університетів і шахт, як місто де проживає багато інтелектуалів, добрих сердечних і щирих людей, Донецьк, де мешкав Василь Стус, Донецьк, що дав Україні Віктора Януковича, зуміє належно оцінити зарозумілу і немудру заяву малоосвіченого чиновника.

Захищати російську мову треба, але той, хто при цьому принижує українську, є провокатором і наносить величезної шкоди власній державі і народові.

І якщо партія не розуміє, що нам потрібна не частина України, а вся Україна, якщо партія не розуміє, що ми повинні бути демократами, мені залишиться зробити, те, що залишиться...

The statement of this local official not only indicates cultural and intelligence gaps, but it also indicates intentional or unintentional damage that he has done to efforts at uniting the Ukrainian people, bridging the regions, and rectifying the rifts that the Premier has so tirelessly tried to fill with the seed of goodwill.

I am convinced that Donetsk — a city of universities and coal mines, a city of many intellectuals, kind, warmhearted, and sincere people, the Donetsk where Vasyl Stus lived, the Donetsk that gave Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych — will accord proper consideration to the arrogant and unwise statement of an undereducated official.

We should protect the Russian language, but the ones who denigrate Ukrainian are provocateurs and are inflicting massive damage to the country and to the people.

And if this party does not understand that we need not just a part of Ukraine, but the whole Ukraine, if this party does not understand that we should be democrats, I’m left to do what I have to do…

Part II: The Rematch

Donetsk City Council Secretary Mykola Levchenko, PRU, quoted in Russian:

Анна Герман запуталась и ошиблась, в какой она партии состоит и кого она представляет. То, что она себе позволяет в отношении меня как должностного лица, как личности, как секретаря городского совета от Партии регионов в городе, в котором победила ПР, оценит аппарат партии.

Hanna Herman got lost and was mistaken as to what party she belongs to and as to whom she represents. What she has indulged in with regard to me as an official, as a person, and as Secretary of the City Council from Party of Regions in a city won by the PRU, will be evaluated by the party leadership.

MP Hanna Herman, PRU, former spokeswoman for Yanukovych and, earlier, an RFE/RL host, quoted in Ukrainian:

Я вважаю, що моя партія демократична, і що в партійній дискусії про мови переможе демократія і повага до всіх мов, якими розмовляє народ України. Я переконана, що в партії розумні люди, які розуміють, що нікому не дано права принижувати ні українську, ні будь-яку іншу мову. Тим більше, що я знаю позицію лідера партії з цього питання.

Але якщо партія підтримає Колю (Миколу Левченка), виходить, я дійсно не туди потрапила.

I believe that my party is democratic and that the internal debate on language will be won by democracy and respect for all languages spoken by the Ukrainian people. I am convinced that that party has smart people who understand that no one has the right to denigrate Ukrainian, nor any other language, for that matter. Besides, I know where our leader stands on the issue.

But if the party gives support to Kolya (Mykola Levchenko), it will mean that I indeed have come to the wrong place.

Sources:

http://ostro.org/shownews_ks.php?id=35303&lang=ru

http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/2/22/54859.htm

http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2007/2/23/54888.htm

Rada Rejects Yushchenko’s MFA and SBU Picks

As expected, Volodymyr Ohryzko and Victor Korol, who vied for the position of Minister of Foreign Affairs and Director of the Security Service, respectively, failed to gather support from the Anticrisis Coalition.

It turns out acting MFA head Volodmyr Ohryzko has the nasty habit of speaking Ukrainian in conversations with Russian guests on Ukrainian soil.

And as for MP Viktor Korol, NSNU, the media link him to NSNU mogul Petro Poroshenko, Yushchenko’s chief campaign contributor and a de facto persona non grata in Russia.

The Kremlin can’t stomach these guys, and that’s not the kind of gas Yanukovych needs.

Rada Unplugged: BYuT MPs Continue Blockade of Electricity Room

Starting Wednesday, BYuT representatives have taken control of the facility that powers the Session Hall. (Power has been restored to the voting system, though.) Their demands? Scale back the recent utility hike and raise minimum wages.

Technically, such parliamentary tactics, commonplace in the Ukrainian legislature, can be considered a minor disturbance. Politically, they come as a slap in the face for PM Yanukovych, whose 2006 campaign slogan read “Better living today.”

Surrogacy an Option for Chernovetsky’s Businesslike Deputy

Irena Kilchytska, Kyiv’s vivacious 38-year-old Deputy Mayor and former Pravex Bank Vice President, has more revelations. Aside from professing Christianity while expecting her firstborn by a boyfriend of unknown identity, what more could she impress us with? In an interview with Ukrainian daily Fakty, Kilchytska elaborated on her family planning, unveiling a vision that may strike traditional believers as a bit unorthodox.

So here are some memorable quotes from a self-made lady who takes pains to “project an image of success at all times” (American Beauty) and exudes the sort of acrid affluenza that Paris Hilton can only dream about.

Слава Богу, ни в каком отдыхе и реабилитации, как беременная женщина, я весь этот срок не нуждалась. Но не уверена, что так же будет с последующими моими детьми, которых я планирую иметь. Не исключаю, что следующего моего ребенка доверю вынашивать суррогатной матери.

Но полет в космос, клонирование и прочие достижения прогресса тоже поначалу казались чем-то страшным и непонятным. Сегодня это уже явь. Я не пророк, но думаю, лет через десять к суррогатному материнству женщины будут прибегать не только в том случае, когда сами не могут выносить детей. Многие деловые занятые женщины, которые пробиваются в жизни сами, а не сидят на шее у мужчины, захотят иметь собственного ребенка, не отвлекаясь на его рождение. И будут пользоваться услугами суррогатных матерей.

Thank God, I’ve experienced no need for rest and rehabilitative therapy throughout my pregnancy term. But I’m not sure that this will be the case with the babies I’m going to have next. I wouldn’t discount the possibility that my next child will be borne by a surrogate mother.

But space travel, cloning, and other advances in the progress of humankind, too, initially came as something terrific and incomprehensible. Now it’s history. I’m not a prophet, but I believe that ten years from now women will be opting for surrogate motherhood not just when they can’t bear children physically. Many time-strapped business women who are out there making it on their own and are not dependent on their partners will want to have a baby without diverting much time to its birth. And they will use the services of surrogate mothers.

Careful as we should be not to step on gender issues and the progress of humankind, let’s pause to note that space travel must have supplied the theme for Kilchytska’s boss, Mayor Chernovetsky (aka Lyonya Kosmos, or Leo the Loony). Quite a few Kyivites would spend their last hryvnya to buy him a one way-ticket to the Moon.

And what about all those Buck$treet Boys squatting in the City Hall? (Two of Chernovetsky’s male deputies are former Pravex Bank employees in their twenties.) This may sound like player haterism of the purest kind, but we expect them to resort to surrogate fatherhood as well?

Of course, in a depopulating nation children are more than welcome, regardless of the biological know-how. But the thought of some children being born “more equal” than others becomes unbearable. A surrogate democracy is not an option.

The Ombudswoman in Blue: Reappointment of Yanukovych Associate Defies European Practice

The Yanukovych-controlled Rada Thursday appointed MP Nina Karpachova, PRU, to her third term as Ukraine's Commissioner for Human Rights. Later in the day, MP Mykola Tomenko, BYuT, landed the job as Vice Speaker. The latter position, generously reserved for the opposition, came with the nodding approval of the ruling Anticrisis Coalition. Being part of BYuT’s prior agreement with the PRU, it saved BYuT the agony of having to explain another episode of rapport with the PRU. (BYuT largely abstained from the Karpachova vote.)

While Tomenko’s promotion provides BYuT with a comfortable perch, Karpachova’s political credentials make her comeback a demotion for Ukraine’s human rights track record. (Blue is the official color of the PRU.)

European democracy requires that this watchdog position be occupied by an independent, nonpartisan figure. In Ukraine, however, democracy takes a back seat to Donbas and justice walks in lockstep with the oldest profession — or should we say proffession? But since Ukraine became a member of the Council of Europe in 1995, its citizens have learned to sue the corrupt government all the way to the European Court of Human Rights, winning settlements of a few thousand euros.

Despite assurances to the contrary, the human rights agenda to expect from Ombudswoman Karpachova should probably be called “See no evil, hear no evil.”

Bonjour mesdames Severinsen and Wohlvend. Here’s your clue on how Yanukovych’s goes about his vision of “building a Europe inside Ukraine.”

ChernoCo Profit Slashed; Hijacked City Council Caves in to Kyivites

Kyivites’ utility bills will double, the Kyiv City Council ruled Thursday, overturning the 340 percent hike championed by Mayor Chernovetsky.

The City Council also undertook to carry out an audit of Khreshchatyk, the municipal bank, and Kyivenergoholding, a conglomerate of utility companies, by July. According to the opposition, Chernovetsky’s friends and relatives have been quite energetic in trying to gain control of these cash cows.

A few days ago, the City Hall denied registration to a petitioning group working to arrange a referendum to impeach Mayor Chernovetsky. To ensure success, a total of six teams were set up by the opposition to make separate filings and gather the required signatures. The Central Electoral Commission has advised Chernovetsky against further stonewalling.

The resolution to backtrack on the bills was passed, in small part, due to the so-called imperative mandate bill. This recent piece of legislation applies to turncoat lawmakers sitting in local councils and puts pressure on them to “return to base” or face expulsion. Needless to say, Tymo jumped on television to take a bow for the disciplinary effect of the bill she had sponsored.

However, there’s another way to look at it. The resolution may have a pacifying effect on the public and may be intended by ChernoCo as a survival kit.

“Yanukovych Gov’t Helped by God” as Grain Stockpiles Rot in Odesa Port

Уряду Віктора Януковича навіть Бог допомагає. Бог, коли бачить, що ми правильно робимо, і розуміє, що нам палки в колеса вставляють, - так за 100 років найтепліша зима. Допомагає уряду Януковича навіть Бог. Зверху все видно.

Трейдери нехай несуть собі (збитки). Трейдери найменше нас хвилюють.

Even God is helping the Yanukovych Government. When God sees us doing what’s right and understands that spokes are being put in our wheels, we get the warmest winter in 100 years. The Yanukovych Government is being helped by God. He sees from above.

Let the traders bear their losses. The traders are the least of our concerns.

These touching soundbites belong to MP Mykhailo Chechetov, PRU, former head of the State Property Fund, a government agency responsible for overseeing state-owned enterprises and approving privatization deals. In 2004, with Chechetov’s blessing, Kryvorizhstal was auctioned off for $800mn.

A year later, in an open bid, the steel mill fetched $4.8 bn. (Sometimes, God chooses to help the highest bidder, which kind of dashes cold water on Chechetov’s metaphysical observations. He may not have realized it, but the hyperbolic manner in which he chose to heap praise on Proffessor bordered on satire of Borat’s caliber.)

The second quote indirectly relates to the 2003 grain crisis, a major embarrassment for PM Yanukovych during his first coming. With a record harvest in 2002, Ukraine experienced a blowout frenzy of exports that put truckloads of money in traders’ pockets and left farmers scrambling to repay their loans.

On top of that, it depleted the country’s grain stock to a point when imports had to be contracted for, at a higher price, of course. Poor Proffessor! He should have written an autobiographical narrative titled: “Sell Low, Buy High: How Government Spending Helps the Global Grain Market.”

It doesn’t take a scientist to interpret the current Draconian regulations as a mixture of never-again paranoia and bread-and-circus populism. Hey Cargill, give us a break. Can’t you see it? This time Proffessor got the Breadbasket of Europe sealed tight. Not a bushel goes to Bush until Proffessor approves it. Even if it means tons of grain rotting all the while. A few days ago, U.S. Ambassador Taylor took a trip to Odesa to see for himself.

Since Ukrainian grain had been consumed in Ancient Greece, it needs an adequate hero to deliver it from decay. How about sending the Governator on a mission similar to the one he played in “Hercules in New York?” After all, Arnie has repeatedly identified Ukrainian powerlifter Leonid Zhabotynsky as his life-changing role model.

Divvying Up the Pipeline, or a TroYan Horse for Ukraine’s Last Line of Defense

Here’s another one from the Proffessor posse — a stake swap. Presumably, the stewards of our economy are itching to swap a 50 percent stake in the Ukrainian gas pipeline for a dose of exploration rights on Russian territory.

In the civilized business world, stake swaps have become a popular way of sharing risks and benefits to achieve desired results. A growing body of evidence suggests, however, that a stake swap with Russia may be different. Be careful who you swapping with.

Speaking at a press conference Thursday, GasPutin reasserted Russia’s right to demand market rates for the energy it supplies. He then complained about neighboring countries’ reciprocal efforts to make fair pricing the norm for the transit services they provide.

He did mention the swap proposal, though, calling it "revolutionary." So, using Putin as his spokesman — not an uncommon trick — Yanukovych sends a clear message to stakeholders in Ukraine: We’re out to get cheap gas at all costs; we’ll borrow, beg, or swap.

If they asked him at Davos, “How do you spell innovation?” he’d probably answer “in-NO-WAY-shen!” And he’d be damn right. So much for all that crap about modernization and energy efficiency! Donbas will stick to its guns. The only “Better living today” was yesterday. Yeeha! Here we are, a Cinderella sweatshop right in the geographic center of Europe, a proletarian preserve fresh out of “Das Kapital” and “Oliver Twist.” That we should not count on Yanukovych’s readership of these texts is as certain as his role in perpetuating the characters behind them.

Proponents of the swap are flirting with a Trojan Horse designed to neutralize our last line of defense against the Energy Empire. No pipeline, no bargaining power. It’s as simple as that. Vlad the Impaler is waiting for his chance. A thumbs-up from Russian Orthodox clergy will be forthcoming. (Or have the votaries of the Third Rome already rebranded themselves to Gazpromans, that is, members of the Order of Gazprom?)

Back to business, here’s what happened to the Sakhalin project.

Europeans, perhaps with the rare exception of Schroeder, have expressed little admiration for the Kremlin’s predatory policies. Unless Europe secretly worships Gazprom as the god of gas, it must help Ukraine resist proselytization efforts aimed at swapping the welfare of the many for the wealth of the few.

No Dough for ChernoCo
Kyiv Mayor Gets the Finger

Last year, the crackpot hit the jackpot. This year, he’ll probably hit the road.

According to a report quoted on Pravda, there hasn’t been a rush by Kyivites to pay those triple bills. It means that Mayor Chernovetsky’s fundraiser has met with limited success. (Independent experts believe Chernovetsky’s rates to be twice as high as the current costs would justify.)

The report takes a peek at Kyiv’s municipal-owned utility outlets, known as ЖЕКs (zheks). An accountant at one of the zheks confesses that, so far, only 15 to 20 percent of households in their area have made payments. (She does not specify the percentage of households that have paid the full amount, as opposed to those that have managed to apply for subsidies, despite bureaucratic hurdles.)

Using that figure as a sample, we can see that Kyivites are not particularly enthusiastic about coughing up those hard-earned hryvnias for ChernoCo. Despite the City Hall being a marketing extension of the utility sector, your local zhek the ripper still ends up undercapitalized. That’s where the food chain short-circuited. Not only did ChernoCo miscalculate the rates, but it also miscalculated its ability to impose them.

Widespread refusal to pay the overblown rates as well as the accelerating movement to impeach Chernovetsky in a referendum have prompted the City Hall to hold its horses. (But the train has left the station, hasn't it?)

There is talk of confidential instructions allowing zheks to accept payments based on the old rates. BYuT members of the City Council have confirmed this information. Zheks have denied it. Certainly, one should not expect the latter to be at liberty to comment.

Chernovetsky, aka Lyonya Kosmos (which can be loosely translated as Leo the Creepo, or Leo the Loony), has been an object of ridicule on the Web and has spawned countless Photoshop collages.

If handouts suit your taste, knock yourself out. But if you have a taste for democracy, how about sending this guy back to his bank? Let’s get him out of our pockets.

Tarasyuk Walks

Foreign Affairs Minister Tarasyuk resigned this Tuesday, ending a monthlong tug of war between Yushchenko and Yanukovych to the benefit of the latter, Ukrainian news agencies report.

Earth to Yu, earth to Yu! Please feel free to refer to yourself as “we, the Queen of Ukraine.” An internship with Buckingham Palace would be a plus.

Davos Is Not Donbas, or Viktor Ya’s Dirty Little Secret

Guess who's leading the Ukrainian delegation to the World Economic Forum in Davos. You got it. It's Viktor Yanukovych, the incredible “Proffessor [sic] of Economics!” That’s what his handwritten presidential candidate application told us in 2004. Wait a minute, didn’t it also state a certain degree of proficiency in English? Sure it did. Should we therefore assume his American spin doctors put that precious information on his badge? Well, they most certainly chose not to, for fear it would make Borat pale by comparison.

To look sexy at this annual carnival that brings together business and political elites from all over the globe, Proffessor (with a double "F") masquerades himself as the head of the freshly-minted investment council. Hey, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and the rest of you guys out there, you better pay attention. Our man Yanukovych here means business. As a student of Kuchma, he has a way with numbers you can’t imagine. Lakshmi Mittal, a colleague of yours, paid $4.8 bn for a steel mill that our man knew just how to sell for a mere $800 mn. You get the idea.

Viktor Pinchuk of Interpipe, a renowned Westernizer, philanthropist, Kuchma’s son-in-law and, by the way, former co-owner of that steel mill, will hold a lunch-conference titled "Where Is Ukraine Heading?” Among those who plan to attend are Latvian President Vaira Vike-Freiberga, former Polish President Aleksander Kwaśniewski, financier George Soros, chairman of Russia's Vneshtorgbank Andrey Kostin, and Ukrainian American astronaut Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper.

So where is Ukraine heading? Yanukovych will probably trot out the same old lines about Ukraine destined to be a bridge — the bridge — between Europe and Russia, the latter, of course, being the neighbor everybody would love to have. (Lukashenka would beg to differ on that one.) And if Freud dropped by, he’d point out that the title of the conference clearly addresses the West’s repressed concern that, with Proffessor at the helm, Ukraine is going straight to hell.

OK, let's not overanalyze our humble leaders.The Ukrainian delegation includes Economy Minister Volodymyr Makukha, commodity kings Rinat Akhmetov of SCM, Serhiy Taruta of ISD, and Ihor Kolomoisky of Pryvat. The “old man” (Yushchenko), a no show at Davos, is represented by Arseniy Yatsenyuk, deputy chief of the Secretariat.

Of course, Yanukovych will go to great lengths eroticizing that 7 percent GDP growth rate for 2006. In fact, he’ll tell you any shit you want to hear. But there’s something he will avoid any discussion of. And here’s what it is: As of today, Ukraine remains one of the poorest countries on the continent, period. Ukraine ranks a dismal 125th out of the 161 countries surveyed in the 2006 Index of Economic Freedom.

With most of the profits from our retarded industry being sucked out to offshore banks, a sizable stream of investments comes from EU migrant workers who send remittances to their families back in Ukraine.

Whether you like it or not, sex tourism could become Ukraine’s next killer app. After all, it’s slightly more humane than the sex slave trade and could provide an additional source of income for local law enforcement.

That about wraps up our economic learnings of Davos for make benefit glorious region of Donbas. Proffessors of all banana republics, go hunting!

Red Card for Rudkovsky
Transportation Minister Probed for Turkmenbashi 2-Bashing

Minister Mykola Rudkovsky, SPU, one of the founding fathers of the Anticrisis Coalition, stands accused of running a travel agency on the side. Las month, the agency sparked a diplomatic scandal between Kyiv and Ashabad when it hosted exiled Turkmen opposition leaders, or so they presented themselves.

In the middle of the night, Minister Rudkovsky called Ukrainian missions in Vienna and Varna, urging that visas be granted to the Turkmen by 5 am. The decision had been approved in the upper levels of government, he added.

What followed was a vain voyage of two former high-ranking Turkmen officials, Khudaiberdy Orazov and Nur-Mukhammed Hannamov, ex-Vice Premier and ex-Ambassador to Turkey, respectively. Their value offering: better access to Turkmen gas wells in exchange for some sort of support.

It’s no secret that experts see no challenger to Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov, the heir apparent to the recently deceased Turkmenbashi. Therefore, the easy question is, what was Rudkovsky’s interest in all this and was it worth it? The tough one is, were those opposition guys the real McCoy and, if so, what matters more to Ukraine — taking care of number one or babysitting democracies yet to be born?

Whatever the answers, once the exiles showed up in Kyiv, the Turkmen Embassy lodged a sulfurous note of protest, informing the Ukrainian authorities that warrants for their arrest had been issued by Interpol.

After the visitors safely sneaked out of Ukraine, the scandal seemed to have died quietly. Until a Saturday piece in ZN shed light on the story. The article states that Rudkovsky’s travel business has incited the wrath of Yanukovych.

Rudkovsky is suing the author for defamation. He considers himself to be the target of a smear campaign of reprisals orchestrated by his former business partners, some of whom have found employment in the Secretariat of the President. He claims it all began with his bold decision to remove a score of state-owned enterprises from the privatization list.

The SBU and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs have launched separate probes. Both the Ukrainian Ambassador in Vienna and the Consul General in Varna have been relieved of their duties for issuing visas in violation of procedure. Apparently, the spasmodic turf wars so symptomatic of our government’s chronic gold/gas rush have acquired a Turkmen dimension.

Frozen Affairs
Embattled Foreign Affairs Ministry Faces Funding Freeze

This winter may by the warmest the world has known in the last 500 years. Not for the Ukrainian Foreign Affairs Ministry. The Ministry, headed by the President’s protégé Borys Tarasyuk, remains the last stronghold of resistance to pro-Russia PM Victor Yanukovych in his war for complete control over the Cabinet.

Yanuk, emboldened by the viagracious cornucopia of power, knows no stopping. Even though it’s only been a week since the Treasury cut off funding, employees have already missed their paychecks. Beyond that, the conflict at hand could also disrupt timely payment of membership contributions owed by Ukraine to international organizations.

We should have seen it coming. Having spent the last few millennia chasing universals of national unity, Yushchenko crash-lands on what looks like the Planet of the Apes, or should we say Planet of the PRU?

Anyway, neither the funding freeze nor the EU’s cold-shoulder treatment of Ukraine’s aspirations has prevented Minister Tarasyuk from continuing on the job.

P.S. Rejoice! As of Tuesday, the Ministry’s funding has been renewed, with the only exception being Minister Tarasyuk himself. That ends the mystery of Yanukovych’s job title. It’s Partially Merciful!

Double-Crossed! Joan of Anticrisis Coalition

The quid pro quo Tymo had in mind appears to have misfired.

Not only did the President veto the Cabinet Bill she had gone to the stake for, but the Anticrisis Coalition gave her understand they had no deal speak of. Specifically, the AC has no intention of handing over to her many of the political perks ascribed to the Opposition Bill, her bargained-for yet botched facelift.

What else would you expect from serial con artists, a ticket to the Extreme Makeover show?

Bread and Circuses
Mayor Chernovetsky Staves off Impeachment with New Wave of Handouts and BS

Attention senior citizens. You may pick up your handouts. Don’t forget to bring your ID. Enjoy!

Notices of this kind, often hand-written, have recently flourished on the entrance doors of Soviet-built high rise condos that that make up the bulk of Kyiv’s housing projects. Here’s the good news: Some recipients have the dignity to ship these unsolicited packages where they came from.

In the face of the mounting grassroots movement to put him out of business, Cher has changed his tactics. He and his plutocratic posse have launched a post-election gastronomic loyalty program spiced up with promises of gradually scaling back the 340 percent utility hike to previous levels. Bravo, Mr. Chernovetsky! It’s all about bread and circus, right?

Tributes Paid at Kushnaryov’s Funeral; Questions Remain

As thousands of mourners file past Kushnryov’s casket in Kharkiv, netizens flock to discuss theories of his death.

What fuels the discussion are rampant discrepancies in the accounts of events regarding:

• species hunted — wolf, boar?
• victim’s location — inside vehicle, out on hunting range?
• weapon used — Russian-made Saiga, Italian-made Benelli Argo?
• number of charges — single, multiple?

The nature of the injuries, a function of the above variables, merits a separate discussion. It is known beyond doubt that the victim suffered acute trauma to his liver, one of his kidneys, and a portion of his intestinal tract.

The prime suspect is one Dmytro Zavalny, Vice President of Kharkiv-based AT Tochprylad. A few hours after the shooting, Oglyadach.com came up with a mainstream version of what had happened. This BYuT-friendly news portal traced the fatality to Zavalny’s “tunnel vision” as he closed his left eye and took aim at the animal. Bang! Zavalny shoots Kushnaryov, his hunting companion — the guy in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

What’s wrong with this story? On the one hand, it defies the laws of ballistics for a single bullet to result in such damage — unless the bullet was a hollow point one, or one fired from elsewhere. On the other hand, it defies common sense for someone of his superb shooting credentials to fire at a human being accidentally — let alone to fire more than one charge.

All of which raises grave suspicions about the official line of investigation, reckless homicide. If convicted on these charges, the defendant faces up to 5 years in prison. By now, many people in this country either believe that Zavalny executed someone else’s master plan or that he is not the one who pulled the trigger.

Granted, Kushnaryov was no Irwin, much less Kennedy, but he was certainly the PRU’s top ideologue, a hawk whose love for Russia surpassed Yanukovych’s earthly and mercantile flirtations. More than that, he was independent-minded, perhaps so independent minded as to have a contract taken out on him. Kharkiv, his native city and the capital of the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic until 1934, holds a claim to fame far more impressive than Donetsk does. With the Kushnaryov faction taking reigns, Kharkiv could not only become a hotbed of federalist fever but also a graveyard of Donetsk’s ambitions.

Given the strange circumstances of his death, Kushnaryov, who had served as Kuchma’s chief of staff from 1996 to 1998, does not seem to be alone in his fate. He will be joining Messrs. Kirpa and Kravchenko, Kuchma’s other cowboys, whose suicides in early 2005 looked very much like the work of a hit squad in a cleanup operation meant to destroy evidence of the departing regime’s crimes.

Aside from Y2K (Yanukovych, Kuchma, Kravchuk) and prominent figures from different political walks of life, mourners included Russian MP Konstantin Zatulin, something of part-time persona non grata in Ukraine. Zatulin called Kushnaryov’s death “an irreparable loss” for Ukraine.

Who benefits? Experts agree that Russia has indeed lost an influential and genuinely reliable partner. They also hint that the power vacuum Kushnaryov has left behind will be most likely filled by the ever-more elbow-pushing Donetsk clan.

Kushnaryov Dies; Shot Accidentally on Purpose?

Conflicting reports surround the shooting of MP Yevhen Kushnaryov, PRU, pronounced dead at 13:45 pm Kyiv time.

According to some eyewitness accounts, the bullets found him in the car. Still, others claim that he was out on the hunting range, where he was mistaken for game. Was the hunting legal and, most important, how did the hunter become the hunted?

Yanukovych Associate in Critical Condition after Accidental Shooting

MP Yevhen Kushnaryuov, PRU, is struggling for his life, Ukraine’s leading news agencies report. Kushnaryov was rushed into a nearby hospital, having sustained multiple gunshot wounds Cheney-style while hunting in Kharkivska Oblast, where he had served as Governor and President of the Oblast Council. While in the emergency room, he suffered kidney failure due to a preexisting heart condition.

Opponents of Kushnaryov have accused him of treason and sedition. In early 2005, the Office of the Prosecutor General subpoenaed Mr. Kushnaryov for his role in the counter-Orange Revolution separatist demarche in Severodonetsk. However, no charges were pressed against him.

Joan of Anticrisis Coalition Retreats to Jerusalem

No sooner had the hate mail hit her than she evacuated herself to the Holy Land.
The timing of her soul-searching pilgrimage speaks for itself. Apparently she’s trying to create the impression that every act of rapport with the cosa regio nostra causes her great emotional distress. So there she is, doing penance for her sins, just days before the Epiphany, celebrated on Jan. 19 according to Orthodox tradition.

Her manifesto to fellow Ukrainian politicians (paraphrased): Thy ways are squalid; thou shalt go to church and thou shalt not come out until thou have purified thyselves.

The Israeli leadership is giving her a royal reception. She said the Knesset supports the idea of recognizing the Holodomor as genocide.

OK everybody, let’s cool our judgmental conscience and see the good girl inside her. Girlpower!

Oops, She Did It Again: Tymo Pampers Yanuk in Exchange for Opposition Bill

If Joan of Arc is what they call her, then Joan’s at it again. Or, pardon my French, Jeanne d’Arc et les garçons are in on it again. Except that she may well have turned herself from martyr to villain without even noticing it.

It seems that for Tymo the art of “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” works just fine regardless of the cast of characters. Lately, she’s been offering herself as a reliable partner in the Anticrisis Coalition’s routine of overriding presidential vetoes.

Having traded her support of the Cabinet Bill in exchange for the PRU’s support of the Opposition Bill, she pulled yet another controversial coup.

Both bills set the ground rules in this country. And here’s what this quid pro quo boils down to: While the Cabinet Bill lavishes tsar-like regalia on Yanukovych, the Opposition Bill awards Tymo with a monopoly claim to the opposition title. In addition to that, Tymo brokered the so-called imperative mandate, a bill that allows parties represented in local radas to expel legislators guilty of professional misconduct and party-hopping, the bane of BYuT's existence.

Life is such a mystery. Consumed with grand ambitions that vacillate between the presidency and premiership — whichever will carry more weight — the primadonna finds herself in bed with a stranger.

Fortunately, her involvement with the PRU in last year’s vote of no confidence to the Yekhanurov Cabinet did not cost her a vote in the spring 2006 campaign. On the contrary, boisterous BYuTies came to the finish line with a solid lead over lethargic NSNUzers, as scores of late-deciders suddenly switched to BYuT.

Obviously, this recent misstep hardly brings us any closer to bridging the BYuT-NSNU divide.

What a sad sight to see: Those who sang “Together We Are Many” taking turns in rebranding the Verkhovna Rada to Verkhovna Zrada, as the longstanding observation has it. (Zrada is Ukrainian for treason.)

After the confetti fell, BYuT issued an apologetic statement, couching its act in metaphoric terms that ranged from the realm of biology to that of astronomy, albeit with less than scientific accuracy.

The rhetoric mimicked the missionary mask that Moroz had painstakingly tried to put on his summer con trick. It almost described BYuT’s role as that of a peace dove whose sole purpose it was to lessen the tension between Yushchenko and Yanukovych. (How else would she explain her repeatedly bizarre behavior?) Below are some excerpts from Pravda.com.ua:

"Ще трохи, і секретаріат президента разом із Кабміном були б змушені кожен конверт їхньої переписки відправляти на хімічну експертизу, боячись вірусу сибірської язви".

“[Б]ЮТ зобов'язана взяти на себе відповідальність за вирішення глибокої кризи у системі влади, розуміючи, що протистояння секретаріату президента і уряду може тривати до наступного прильоту комети Галілея (так в оригіналі)".

“Any more of this, and the Secretariat of the President and the Cabinet would have to send every piece of their correspondence for lab evaluation, in fear of contracting anthrax.”

“[B]YuT has to take responsibility for resolving the deep crisis in the system of government, realizing that the confrontation between the Secretariat of the President and the Cabinet can continue well until the next coming of Comet Galileo [sic].”

BYuT public affairs people must have been in a bit of a hurry. Note that the metaphoric punch line in the last quote offers a textbook case of commonly confused names, Galileo Galilei and Comet Halley.

Creative thinker that Tymo is, she might as well have tried to convince her voters that Hitler and Stalin intended the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact as the Preamble to the UN Charter.