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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lukashenka: ‘There's Plenty of Lousiness to the Current Leadership of Ukraine’

One dictator at a time. That’s how the EU does business.

That’s why the dictator next door ended up home alone, unwelcome and underappreciated.

Meanwhile, the dictator-indoor bombarded Barroso, Ban Ki-moon and other Western dignitaries with tin-cup hospitality. Later, he accompanied Medvedev and Patriarch Kirill on their Chernobyl pilgrimage.

Lukashenka: You know, frankly speaking...uh...not so frankly, ask this question to Yanukovych: Why is the Belarusian president not present at their event? You ask them. Uh…unfortunately...uh...there’s plenty of lousiness to the current leadership of Ukraine. Uh...I’m not going to be fishing for an invite, and to be some kind of, you know, what you may call it...uh...a sidekick of some kind is not what I’m going to be either — of either one president or the other. That’s why this question — why no Lukashenka — one should ask Yanukovych this question. As for...jerks like Barroso and others...just who is Barroso? There was some Barroso in Portugal, then they kicked him out, put him in the European Commission or some other place. That’s why I couldn’t care less about it...uh...whatever blabber came from some European official someplace. There’s a thousand of them. Uh...and the most important thing is...well, it’s probably easier for me to speak here — you can see it and you know it — that...these are holy days for me.

Holy moly! What a stab in the back from the land where Yanukovych's father was born.

And what a cold shower for pan-Slavic unity. Or maybe acid rain?


Monday, April 25, 2011

Classmate Praises Yanukovych in Stalinesque Poetry

How do some Donbasians buy £136M+£60M flats? Well, here’s a clue.

Let me have a shot at poetic translation.

Viktor, you're the light and the banner. With you we'll crush our foes! You brought faith to the people. Happiness, freedom, and home.
Viktor, you're the resplendent one. Ray of light, hope, and love!
Do it, take command, lead us. Till all our foes are no more!

The clouds will go, I know. A bright life will come to us.

All your evil foes, all this yellow* scum

Shall perish instantly. And may prosperity come!

The bright life is coming. There's good news in store.

Do it, take command, lead us. Till all the dark is no more.

*Yellow obviously means orange (as in the Orange Revolution)

Why not drop a love bomb on Kim Jong-il too? For a bowl of rice, maybe?

Buckwheat would be even better. It’s up 300% since Kim Januk-il took command.

Bonus Track

Actually, Yanukovych had enthralled poetic souls long before he became president. Here’s another gem, based on a Soviet patriotic tune, performed by a Yanukovych supporter in April 2007.

We need no coast of Turkey
We need no America

That guy from Doneeeeetsk would be OK

He’s nothing but a mirrrrracle

Monday, April 18, 2011

Highway Cop Kills Teen Cyclist, Gets Promoted

Catch him if you can.

A reporter tries to reach the cop for comment, and guess what? The cop's moving in the fast lane!

Which finally justifies the $100K we paid for this Ukraine brand.

Outpaced and outraged, the reporter goes all the way to the oblast top brass. Only then does Maj. Voloven become more cooperative.

Maj. Voloven:
I have the right to have no contact with you
whatsoever, right?
Reporter: And that includes running away?

Running away?

You were running, weren’t you?

Well, I didn’t want to talk to you.

Do you feel guilty?

Well, yes, in the sense that I could not have prevented this situation, I take full blame for failing to react in this situation.

Teen’s mother:
What did you kill my child for?

Well, you do realize that...

Mother: Look me in eye! What did you kill my child for?
I’m sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose, right?

Then why are you, a major of the police, running from justice and providing false testimony?


You know I’m telling the truth. It happened right before my eyes.

What can I say? Another success story.

It's got character. It takes character to evade “the justice of the law and the inevitability of punishment” Yanukovych talked about last week.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Yanukovych to Ukrainians: ‘Show Some Ukrainian Character’

The Yanuking speaketh...

From this treebune...tribune, I want to reach out to every Ukrainian with this: No more complaining and humiliating yourself. Ukraine is a strong and ambitchious state. It’s time to show some Ukrainian character — to prove to yourself and to the world that Ukraine is a country that leads the way.

As if saying трибина instead of трибуна wasn’t enough!

would be a mistranslation. What he actually mumbled out defied translation: амбідна — a portmanteau of ambitna and bidna (ambitious and poor).

How badly does he want poor Ukraine to show some Ukrainian character? I mean, like they did in Tunisia, Egypt and Libya?

Or at least, like holding him to his promise? Last year, he promised us to show his Mezhyhirya property, remember?

Pools, lakes, mansions, club houses, guest houses, pigeon houses, bowling, tennis, golf, helipad, underground shooting range...

Just how much character does it take? To keep all this stuff around while holding the country's highest office?

UPDATE offers a
fresh collection of bird's eye views of Mezhyhirya.


Club house

Pigeon houses

Visit for breathtaking video (Part 1) from a Mezhyhirya-Kyiv chopper flight. Part 2 coming soon.

In case you failed to notice, last year, Yanukovych made $115K and his wife $2K.


Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Governor, Wife Play (Taxpayers Pay)

Drinking and dancing on the taxpayers’ dime? Yes we can!

Ternopil Governor Valentyn Khoptyan: Look, we’re not celebrating Women’s Day, we...we were invited to [this place] where they have young talent, including those from the land of Ternopil, and I wanted to see...because the head of the oblast administration, he has to deal not just with industry, agriculture and the budget, but he also has to deal with life issues, ones pertaining to our region, including, including culture, health care, education, I mean, all those reforms that should be in progress today — there are 21 — ones that the president of our country has set forth. So this...that was, that was not a festive event and not recreation, that was a field trip, a learning experience, as it’s...the kind of work that’s done in Husyatyn Rayon (County), and, as you know, my wife is the chair of the rayon council there.

Reporter: Yes, I do know. So you bel[ieve] the report, they didn’t say it was a field trip of yours.
Governor: I’m telling you, I’m telling you: It was...

Reporter: In the report, they said it was the governor...
Governor: They were wrong. I’ was a field trip. And every time wherever I go, likewise, likewise, I always want to see our talent, and the land of Ternopil is rich in talent, both young and mature.

Reporter: Let me get this straight one more time. So making this report with state funding and showing it on state television, you believe, is absolutely acceptable?
Governor: It was a field trip of mine...and I...and we should be organizing this kind of work — the recreation of our people — in every rayon, city and village of our region.

What about all those people now making a living in Italy, Spain and Portugal?

How much more “recreation” do we need before this country runs out of people?