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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Pressed by Putin, Is This How Yanukovych Feels Right Now?

When the West left on their Christmas vacation, they forgot one small thing.

Problem is, he won't last long, will he?

In case he won’t, here's a requiem for U.S. foreign policy. To its noble cause of “containing Russia” and its attempts to "re-Sovietize the region." After the “reset button” and the “lowly enriched iranium” deal, that is. Did I miss something? Oh yeah...and after all those Clinton-friendly borscht parties organized by one of our oligarchs (whose well-being largely depends on doing business with...Eurasia.)

Ladies and gentlemen, “Goodbye America” by the Russian/Soviet band Nautilus Pompilius!


Its deeply philosophical, if not prophetic, lyrics defy translation. 

Ironically, it came out in 1985, at the dawn of perestroika. At that time, the American Way of Life was seeping through the cracks of a stagnant sausage-starved society.

Soon, it would start driving the Soviet psyche crazy. In just five years, the Cold War would be over. A year later, the Soviet Union itself would end up in the dustbin of history.

In the West, you guys relished in the “end of history.” Here in the post-Soviet world, it was more like the beginning of hell. Economically and psychologically.  

No wonder pro-Western sentiment cooled considerably, after a decade of klepto-capitalism. (Which wasn’t exactly the super-sexy consumer paradise that the average Ivan had envisaged in 1988.) So in 2000, when the back-to-Mother Russia-themed Brother 2 blockbuster hit the screen, “Goodbye America” reincarnated as something of a de-Westoxication anthem.


And now it kind of echoes the West's failure to fully engage “one small thing” called Ukraine.

Hope I’m wrong on this. That would save me the trouble of doing a blog entry entitled How the Clintons Denuclearized Ukraine Back Into the USSR.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Sex Tourist Tied Up, Dumped on Highway, Vigilantes’ Video Claims

Did FEMEN outsource their cause to these guys?

Now how about we trade smalltime sex tourists for some equally fun-loving high-net-worth cons? I mean, for real, not like this

More like this. More like Uncle Sam in former PM Lazarenko's case: We put him in our jail, we let him keep his money. Ukraine's money, that is.

So maybe we should put a PM exchange program of sorts in place? To help address our seniors’ healthcare needs, for example. (Unless they can afford German doctors, of course.) Maybe that program would stop our -impaired seniors from feeling like bombing our government out of its luxury misery.

Elderly woman: They’re all poor. You look at them and you say, could someone take this place where they all are and drop some f**king bomb on them and blow them up to f**king kingdom come?

All talk and no action, aren't they? Think again.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Opposition Leader Yatsenyuk Slams U.S. Fed ‘Pyramid’

Are you guys sophisticated enough to hear this?

Opposition leader/former foreign minister Yatsenyuk: Same story with the United States, by the way. Although I enjoy talking with them very much, with all of them — they’re very sophisticated people, quite incredibly so, knowledgeable — to build such a financial pyramid, starting with Bretton Woods — only geniuses can do such a thing. Only geniuses. I mean, to get the whole world hooked on one shot, which is the U.S. dollar, and to print this dollar and to stock up on everything for nothing but paper — that's awesome. I have to admit, I don’t know how things will go from here, now that they’ve printed some 14 trillion.

Hope our guy doesn’t get his U.S. visa revoked. Because it looks like he and Lukashenka (who likes Obama, by the way) are on the same page on this dollar pyramid thing. (24:31-48:37)


No wonder some democracy folks already prefer the quid to the greenback. Will the Yanukovych folks “liaising” with Western reporters follow suit?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Pastor Adelaja Purged Demons from Tymoshenko, His Aide Says

Everybody has them. But not all demons come in king/queen-size. 

One size, one church.

Reporter: You’ve never seen Tymoshenko at the Embassy of God?
Former aide to Adelaja: Never seen? Why, she did come. Let me recall...December...uh...2000.

Adelaja: I know...uh...Yulia Volodymyrivna personally and I respect her very much and I think she’s good and one of the gifted politicians of Ukraine.

Former aide to Adelaja: She came just like ordinary folks do, didn’t have a braid, had straight hair, said “I’m Tymosh-Tymoshenko-enko.” “There’s evil out there,” so she kept saying. “There’s evil in parliament and so on, and this evil needs to be done away with.” He [Adelaja] stood by. He started handling her, right with his hands. He’d take her by the hand and then he’d swing her like this, and I’m watching him and I am thinking...I mean, he had never acted like that to anyone. 

Former Kyiv mayors/rivals Omelchenko and Chernovetsky. Former PMs/partners Lazarenko and Tymoshenko. A friend of the Yushchenko family. A Yanukovych appointee. Plus, assorted celebs. The list goes on and on.

With such a diverse portfolio of parishioners and allegiances, Adelaja looks like a walking WikiLeaks-in-waiting.

In the meantime, let the West stay in the dark on how close Ukraine's ruling and not-so-ruling (drooling) elites can be.


Monday, November 05, 2012

Police Brutality Reminiscent of Pre-Orange Revolution Days

Except that the opposition doesn’t have that much support. At least, not yet.



Not until we have a major devaluation.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Clinton Calls Ukraine Election 'A Step Backward'

Wasn't that part of the “lowly enriched iranium” deal?

Or uranium takers can still be democracy choosers?

Anyway, you have to admit: It’s not as bad as in Russia and Belarus. We have some fresh blood. 


Isn't that what democracy is all about?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tymoshenko Working Out, Prison ‘Montage’ Video Shows

No pain, no gain.

So if you ever experience severe back pain, try high heels or dumbbells. If that doesn’t help, try the U.S. Senate. Or comic relief.


Yanukovych: We get governors' reports on a regular basis here in Kyiv, but when you see it with your own hands, as they say, touch it with your own eyes, according to an old Ukrainian tradition, it's totally different.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

What Elections Look Like to Many Ukrainians

It’s not just the vote fraud issue. It’s what the whole thing looks like.

That’s why the “against all” option won’t be available in this election.

Now watch how the government and opposition camps can't tell their rivals’ platform from their own.

Whether it’s wages or water supply, they go yes, yes, yes. Like the Tymoshenko camp lady who says she would honor Lenin’s historical legacy. Or like the Yanukovych camp guy who says he would ensure access to KGB archives.

They’ll agree with any shit they think you want to hear.

How many pranked:  5 pro-Tymoshenko, 5 pro-Yanukovych
How many smelled something fishy: 2 pro-Tymoshenko, 2 pro-Yanukovych

They like to trade. They give you their bread and circuses…


…you give them your brains.

Does this sound too harsh? Well, here’s how they deal with it in the West.



Sunday, September 30, 2012

Tymoshenko Banging on Door With High Heels (Prison Video)

If she can barely walk, why wear those?

Tymoshenko [in Russian]: I will not stop.

Oops! Why get so camera-shy? Why assume the walker position and switch from Russian to Ukrainian? Do all walkers come with fancy footwear these days?

It's either another fake video or the Geiger counter shoes. (To counter the threat of Yanukovych’s Obama-friendly "lowly enriched Iranium.")

Anyway, here's how she sums up the whole situation.

Tymoshenko: Every person in Ukraine today, essentially, is living in a criminal country that Yanukovych has built. Every person is experiencing firsthand how the law is being trampled, how people are absolutely destitute. And it's here that I'm experiencing all of this, in my own destiny, in my own life.
If only every destitute person out there had shoes like that. Maybe they’d storm Yanukovych's luxury-packed residence and sang-bang him into submission.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

106 Yanukovych, 90 Tymoshenko Candidates Red-Flagged by Election Watchdog

Only 2 of our 449 MPs meet the Honesty Movement's criteria.


What's that? And how many bad guys do we have?

Violated human rights, 97
Jumped ship, flip-flopped, breached voters' trust, 76
Engaged in acts of corruption, 272
Filed piss-poor tax returns despite lavish lifestyles, 350
Voted for the other guy, or "played the piano," 424
Found solace in habitual absenteeism, 230

Quite a deck of cards, huh?


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Rice Takes Watch Off, Recalls Arab Spring, Ceausescu

Feeling nervous lecturing our man, huh?

Hope it was nothing special. Not that special.

"We Will Stop Them!" the opposition says.

You do the math. 


Tuesday, September 04, 2012

'We Will Stop Them!' Opposition Ad Targets Unemployed Youth

It’s Yanukovych’s pot of gold v. Tymoshenko’s prison bidet.

Placement agency: There's no work for you.

Jobseeker: New proFFessors? [a dig at Yanukovych (aka 'ProFFessor') and his luxury-packed Mezhyhirya residence] Knowledge still not in demand around here? Connections and bribes work better, huh? It's not honest work that's valued, but one's ability to steal and cheat. They don't need educated people. They dream of us becoming a herd of slaves. We can't live like that anymore. They must be stopped.

Voiceover: We will stop them! United opposition. Fatherland [Tymoshenko's party].

Nice try, guys! I almost felt like buying this. But then I thought again. And again. And now I have some questions for you.

Can you practice what you preach? Can the guy in the ad make it to the opposition ticket without “connections” and “bribes,” so to speak?

What about this opposition lady? What kind of knowledge did it take for her daughter to get such a nice government job?


Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Madonna Talks Tymoshenko to Fans at Kyiv Show

Guys are corrupt, girls are cool.

Why is she in jail?

Because the girl loved the boy, but the boy dumped the girl

He realized he had the better shot at being the material girl in this country.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Can Talkathons Get Tymoshenko Out of Jail?

Yes, they can. The opposition clearly thinks so.

It's all talk and no action for Tymoshenko apparatchiks. Any surprise there? Just like the Yanukovych crowd, they all want to talk their way back into Ukraine’s parliament. Does anyone of them feel like talking about how they screwed up? Not really. Just vote for them again, OK?

Will that work for Dnipropetrovsk subway construction workers who have gone without pay for six months? 

For most voters, it’s vacation season. Anyone willing to sit through 3:37:17 hours of “middle class this and that” opposition talk? Not me.

If there’s one grassroots Ukrainian who can remotely relate to Tymoshenko’s overboard experience, it’s this lady. Watch her fall off a jam-packed marshrutka in Dnipropertrovsk, Tymoshenko’s hometown.

And boy did she know how to dust herself off!

Chase her. Make her endorse Tymoshenko.


Monday, June 18, 2012

Vice PM Tihipko: ‘You Don’t Pity Yourself’

He’s sexy and he knows it!

Vice PM Tihipko:  I know for sure that without sports I wouldn’t have achieved anything. Because this injection of adrenaline that you get, it gives you the opportunity to recharge your feel...uh...the power and to feel that everything is practically solvable, everything can be achieved. That’s the most important thing. You don’t pity yourself. You pity your wives, daughters, moms. You don’t pity your sons. And you definitely don’t pity yourself.
Hey, what about this “grand coalition” wife? 

 She too wanted to be with Yanukovych!

 In fact, she wanted to be his PM.

  Why no pity for her?


Friday, May 25, 2012

Yanukovych: Ukraine ‘Must Be Made Unsafe’ (Gaffe)

It's not the first time. Maybe he means it?

Yanukovych: I’m being told that this must be done ahead of Euro 2012. Not just then, dear colleagues. Not just then. We believe that our whole territory...of our state must be made unsafe to live in for our citizens. And undoubtedly, once guests start coming to us, even more so.

Yet another reason for Merkel to stay at home for Euro 2012...

...and do some geography homework. 


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Countryside Toddler Dies as Hospitals Juggle Him

Dear West, can you send your doctors to Ukrainians who need them?

In a country where politicians of all stripes have so much gas, why do ambulances have so little? Why so many hospitals without doctors?

Police are now looking into how a cup of hot water killed the kid. In the unlikely event that someone goes to jail for this, will Western dignitaries flock to them too?

If you guys don’t want "selective justice," what do you want? Suicidal justice? Like, the Bloods turning themselves in or shooting themselves, and the Crips following suit?

Or maybe all you want for Ukraine is 100% stability and 0% accountability? Maybe you’re fine with the crooks as long as they don’t have the nukes?


Fellas, don’t shoot each other
In this life you have nothing to divvy up
At the round table forget your grievances
‘Cause burying friends is hard for everyone

If this is your song for Ukraine, why complain about corruption?


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Yatsenyuk's 'Conceptually New' Vision of Ukraine (English Inside)

Sooooo Yushchenko. Except that this guy does speak English!

Here's the whole thing (the United Opposition Forum, May 12).


So what's new? Seriously, what's new? Nothing much. "We're the good guys! Vote for us again and good things will happen."

Never mind that we live worlds apart from you. Never mind that some of us are no longer with us. Joining the Yanukovych majority is no big deal. It's business as usual. It's nothing personal.

And can't you see the difference now? We speak E-N-G-L-I-S-H! Better English.

If only John Edwards had the liberty of living by Ukraine's election law... 

Conversely, if only Ukraine's ruling regime and opposition could survive through the selective justice...of US election law... 

How many politicians would survive? 


Friday, May 11, 2012

Yanukovych Pins 'Fascism' on WW II Vets in Gaffe


Yanukovych: You made it through the hell of war. With Fascism, you were fully paying your debt of honor to...the Fatherland.

Ironically, the Fatherland also happens to be the name of Tymoshenko's party. 


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Tymoshenko Playing Sick, Kissing (With Lawyer?) on Fake (?) Video

She says she’s a good girl. They say she’s a bad girl.

Looks like a sideshow to the violence she says she suffered from during her forced transfer to the hospital.

Which led her to go on hunger strike.

Still, the place looks pretty much the same as the infirmary cell in the previous video released by the regime. With the not-so-fake Tymoshenko in it.

It's hard to be sure, but maybe there’s some truth to both sides of the story?

Meanwhile, i
n Holland...

...women can only rely on beer machines to keep their men out of Ukraine.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Yanukovych Billboards v. Tymoshenko Signs

For there was never a story sadder than that of Romeo and Juliet.

Happy Easter! Party of Regions, Ukraine.

Happy Easter! Joy, peace of mind, God's blessing!
Viktor Yanukovych, President of Ukraine.


Freedom for Yulia
Revolution for Ukraine! (creative embed/"she's Ukraine"-style wordplay)

Grand coalition? Anyone?

Well, there's always stadium, street, whoretel (and a football too).


Thursday, April 05, 2012

Dominique Strauss-Kahn in Kyiv

How could FEMEN go AWOL on this guy?

Left: Viktor Pinchuk (net worth: $4.2B), one of Ukraine's top oligarchs.

DSK may be a bit left of center politically, but...who knows? So here we go: left, right, left... Liberté, égalité, fraternité

Now how about sexualité? Here's FEMEN's "Les Belles d'Ukraine" photo shoot.


Monday, April 02, 2012

Keep Maiden Name or Switch to 'Yanukovych'? (Tihipko Unsure)

Here's a no-joke question to ask on April Fools' Day.

Reporter: Considering the merger between Strong Ukraine and the Party of Regions, are you going to switch your name to Yanukovych or keep your maiden name?
Vice PM Tihipko [caught off guard]: Thank you.

Speaking of maidens, watch another Vice PM, Raisa Bohatyryova, keep up with the Tymoshenkos on a shopping spree. With Tymoshenko in jail, Louis Vuitton needs all the customers they can get.

Oh, girls just wanna have fun. As does the guy who made the video.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Obama Gives Yanukovych Thumbs Up

How about some IMF loans too?

I'll think about it. And keep up the good work, man!

Ukraine's uranium for US blindeyenium. Yes he can. He's proved his worth at the Nuclear Servility Summit in Seoul.

And he's not the only one.


Friday, March 16, 2012

Rallies Against ‘Killer Kids’ as Raped/Burned Girl Struggles for Life

FEMEN went on top of the Prosecutor General’s Office.

Смерть ублюдкам! from FEMEN Video on Vimeo.

Death to the sadists! Oksana, you have to pull through! Castrate the bastards! Murderers to jail!

One of the three "killer kids" in the Mykolayiv rape-and-burn case happens to be the son of a former prosecutor. (Not according to the local prosecutor’s office, of course.) Another one is the son of the city’s former top official. Well, at least no denials here. Both had been initially released but taken back into custody later on as public pressure built up. In this video, the third suspect apparently takes the fall for his buddies.

In Ukraine, you can beat, rape, strangle, mangle, hunt, kill and even burn people and get away with it. If you have cash or connections, of course. If you don’t, you better get together to defend yourself like these ordinary people do.

Rich "killer kids," or mazhory as we call them in Ukraine, have created a cultural phenomenon far more prevalent than student rampages in the US. Maybe it's because here in Ukraine violent crime of this nature goes unpunished far more often than in the US?

By virtue of the almighty dollar, not probable cause or Miranda, the perpetrators either receive ridiculous sentences or avoid any jail time whatsoever. The list goes on and on.

Some US and EU tourists love Ukrainian oligarchs. But...not the way of life that oligarchy enforces on its aborigines, as opposed to its aficionados. If you know any such aficionados personally, show them this girl.

Now imagine she's your daughter.

Actions speak louder than words. As of today, Ukrainians remain largely lethargic, with just a few small protests here and there. Still, even in the most lethargic part of Ukraine, people already mince no words.

Man: It might be a bit rude, but let him drop dead!

Woman: Let him live like I do. No jobs. My son just came back from the army and there are no jobs.

She’s talking about the guy who’s got a job — the job. The guy who doesn’t show up for work until 11:00 a.m. and calls it a day at 4:15 p.m.

If only he could dig up some more of that magic enriched uranium at his marvelous Mezhyhirya ranch.

Wouldn’t that be a great way to enrich Ukraine’s democracy at the upcoming Nuclear Servility Summit in Seoul?

R.I.P. Oksana (died March 29).


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Yanukovych Talks 'Kazakhstan' to President of Turkmenistan

Watch the other guy's WTFace.

Yanukovych: Strategic cooperation, trade and economic cooperation between Ukraine and a matter of mutual interest.

Meanwhile, in Kuwait...


Sunday, March 04, 2012

FEMEN Go Topless at Putin's Polling Station

Where's the FSB when you need them?

FEMEN: I'm stealing [votes] for Putin! I'm stealing [votes] for Putin! Putin is a thief! Putin is a thief!

Didn't this sort of thing happen to his frenemy Yanukovych two years ago?

Anyway, crying is not a crime in Russia.


Friday, March 02, 2012

Kyiv (Official Euro 2012 Promo Ad)

Better than I thought.

And here's Kyiv three decades ago.

Is it any accident that the world's most beautiful women live in Kyiv?

Well, as a Kyivan, I can't argue with that, hehe:)


Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Zhirinovsky Rips Pugacheva (Tymoshenko/Prokhorov Endorser)

Celeb endorsers are a dime a dozen once he puts his two cents in.

Zhirinovsky: Why didn't you dislike Yeltsin back then? This half-drunk half-wit? Why did you all campaign for him back then? Why are you...
Pugacheva: You're a disgrace to our country!

You keep quiet!

Pugacheva: You're a disgrace!

Yeah, you keep quiet! You artists, like lowlife prostitutues, would go under any leader for money! You all went under Brezhnev, under Gorbachev, under Yeltsin, under Putin! Tomorrow I'll move into the Klemlin, Kremlin, and you all will be lying down, and I'll be spitting on you and wiping my feet on you! Shame on you! 22:55-23:27

Presidential debates can be so much when you have Zhirinovsky. You never get tired watching this guy. He's everything: a veteran jack-in-the-box, a convenient opposition figure, a patriot, a lover, a fighter, a rhetorical rocket.

At the end of the show, he puts Ukraine on his “friends of Russia” list, next to Iran and North Korea. Guess who’s on the “enemies of Russia” list? Now what did we do to deserve this? Didn’t we give away our nukes?

And what did we get in return? Oligarchs? Guys who, like Russia’s Prokhorov, are so admired in the free world? Admired when they're free to invest in London’s luxury. Admired when they're free to keep scores of Western gold-diggers around. But...not quite admired when they cut capers in Courchevel?

Does anyone remember Pugacheva’s singing endorsement of Tymoshenko in 2009? (After her gas deal had slated Ukraine to become Russia’s biggest and most profitable/punishable customer in 2010/11?)

Or Zhirinovsky “endorsement” of Obama in 2008?

Anyway, let’s see what sort of celebs will be endorsing Ukraine’s ruling Party of Regions and its opposition come this fall. Just don’t forget that the two seek coalitions, pass key bills together and trade talent.

Meet Oleksandr Volkov, of the KUCHMA Bloc. He's with Tymoshenko's BYuT now. What a major asset to the "Free Yulia!" campaign.

How about a Nobel Peace Prize?
Hope Obama doesn't mind.

Zhirinovsky congratulates Putin. Not quite as loud, is he?


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

FEMEN Slam 'Gas Gangsters' Outside Gazprom Moscow Office

If Tymoshenko were free, is that where she would be?

Femen Gazprom Protest Moscow, Russia 13.02.2012 from Moscow Bureau on Vimeo.

Some girls plant Gazprom's flag in Ukraine. Others play a different game.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ukrainian Athlete Bubka in Whitney Houston's Video

R.I.P. Whitney. F**k drugs.

I was 8 at the time, watching the 1988 Olympics on my black-and-white TV.

Watch Ukraine's Serhiy Bubka win his gold at the end of the video.

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me

Yeah, that's exactly what it felt like. Losing all that weight when I was 30.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Yatsenyuk: Free Tymoshenko as Ukraine Pays More than EU

It's all about freedom.

Government or opposition or grand coalition, they all need freedom. They need freedom — the freedom — to do whatever they want with this country.

Tymoshenko makes her gas ordeal with Putin, Yanukovych legitimizes it with his gas-for-fleet discount. Yatsenyuk wants Tymoshenko's vote, but not Yanukovych's verdict (in case he does what they did). That's the kind of freedom they all need.

Freedom from accountability. They play, we pay.

Decriminalize this DUI priest now! Priests and politicians must be free.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

FEMEN Crash Davos Oligarchfest

Hey Chelsea, wanna hang out with these girls?

Stop Davos! 1 from FEMEN Video on Vimeo.

Stop Davos! 2 from FEMEN Video on Vimeo.

Stop Davos! 3 from FEMEN Video on Vimeo.

It's the freezing boobs v. free borscht economy, stupid!


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Few Books, Lots of Booze for Rural Teens

Try playing the $125/mo English teacher in rural Ukraine.

No castles, no showers, no bidets. No textbooks either.

Well, here’s the consolation prize: booze.

Some bright kids go for the books.

Others don’t. What a great supply of labor migrants for energy-rich Russia and englightened Europe.

The same Europe that pays less for Russia’s gas and values some of Ukraine’s elites so much. Talk about European values.

Luckily, those 45 Ukrainians on board the Costa Concordia have survived. Will the captain apply for asylum? In Russia or Mezhyhirya maybe?

Meanwhile, Tymoshenko’s tigress is expecting. Some French guy did this.

No, he’s not in the government and hasn’t picked up his Légion d'honneur yet:)