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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

How Yanukovych Defended the Constitution He Now Wants to Rewrite

He was so much younger.

He had the Old Man (Yushchenko) wrapped around his finger and the Constitution under his thumb.

PM Yanukovych (2006): Constitutional reform has been finalized and now it’s already effective in our country. It’s been effective for...11 months now. And politicians’ efforts to take whatever steps toward the current Constitution — they...will consequences. [...] How come such great democrats want to rein...ruin their own decisions that they made in December 2004 and voted on in parliament in an omnibus bill? [...] We will defend it and we have every reason to do so — together with parliament — defend...rrr...first of all, the current Constitution...

Where one stands depends on where one sits, n'est-ce pas?

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Yanukovych Having Fun at UN

Last time, he gave away a billion dollars’ worth of weapons-grade uranium.

This time, he unloads tons of retrograde bullshitium.

Yanukovych: We have commenced systemic structural reforms that aim to create a powerful and modern technology economy...and secure high living standards for the population and protect its most underprivileged groups. Key in this regard is that by raising minimum welfare standards, we have managed to substantially reduce the portion of the population living below the poverty line.

What on earth is he talking about? The IMFirtash-sponsored 50%+50% utility hike? The tax hike for small businesses? The crackdown on secondhand clothing stores? The 25% increase in crime rates?

Who gives a shit anyway? Guys who write upbeat articles like this and this?

Wait, maybe this will shed some light.

Yanukovych: We...from the very start...Dmitry Anatolyevich and I...agreed that we wouldn’t talk about the bad stuff...we’d better do it. That is why we came to show that we have very serious intentions that we will be carrying out in our domestic and foreign policy.

The bad stuff. Oh yeah! That’s exactly what you’ve been doing back at home, right?

Luckily for you, it’s soooo *West* to tip-toe around some bad guys — useful bad guys, that is.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Yanukovych to ‘Burn’ Thieves With ‘Red-Hot Iron’

Now you know who blows the hottest air into the ozone layer!

Yanukovych: I...can see you smiling. I’ll put it this way: With red-hot iron we will burn them — with RED-HOT iron — so they’ll all know…they who lay hands…on the property of the entire Ukrainian people will suffer for it and will be punished! That’s the way it will be.

How come it didn’t hurt to lay your hands on Mezhyhirya? Wasn’t it the property of the entire Ukrainian people?

If you ever want a taste of your own medicine, try this baby.

The 16-tube Uragan MLRS. Our cash-strapped military plays it every five years. And when they do, they fire it in single-shot mode.

And you, Mr. President, keep playing with your roads, your pools, your ambulances and your club houses.

Hell, you’ve got money to burn!

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kuchma: CIA, Not Kravchenko, Behind Gongadze Murder

Father knows best.

Kuchma: I think it’s nonsense. He [Kravchenko] couldn’t have any motives, and I’m convinced that under no circumstances would he have given such an order — and he didn’t.

I agree with you, Papi!

The order must have come from someone above, right?

Papi thinks it’s the CIA!

Kuchma: They did it to Gongadze — it was a provocation, an international degrade Ukraine and the president as well...for...[clears throat]...his views...and using this, for 5 years, so to speak, they would let go neither of me, nor...nor of Ukraine. It’s a p-p-pure real provocation, one that had, I’m convinced, foreign intelligence services behind it. I won’t name the country — you know very well. When, during the [Orange Revolution] demonstrations in Kyiv...on inter...chan...on these...on television they showed CIA operatives among the demonstrators, what business did they have there?

If that’s so, why bring Bill Clinton to Ukraine again?

And why donate millions to the Clinton Foundation?

I wonder what your son-in-law (Kuchma’s law, that is) thinks about your theory.

Agreed, when you gave away the world’s third-largest nuclear arsenal, you bought a license to do whatever you wanted with this country.

That license sort of expired when Uncle Sam's make-believe in your reform rhetoric evaporated.

Still, your take sounds interesting. Could you name those CIA agents?

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Monday, September 13, 2010

Party of Regions Ad Features Lviv Mayor Against His Will

Feeling uncomfortable in that upbeat Yanukovych commercial?

Then “We’re Building the New Country” without you. You can count on it!

Deputy Chief of Staff Herman: He said he saw himself in the “Building the New Country” ad and he didn’t agree with it. I told him this: Mr. Andrew, I think the authors of this commercial couldn’t even imagine that the New Ukraine could be built without you. But if you believe that it should be built without you, then I promise you it will definitely be the case. The New Ukraine will be built without you.

Looks like you guys are building the Old Country. The USSR.

Wait, not exactly. The U$$R!

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Thursday, September 09, 2010

Weary Voters Wooed by 'Primaries,' Ukrainian-Style

Veni, vidi, vote.

Elderly woman: What's the point of us electing them? Are they doing something for the people? Nothing is what they're doing. They're lining their pockets.

United Center campaigner: You're being completely inco...not exactly correct here. Why? Because these people haven't been in power. They haven't lined anything.

Girl: What can you tell about a person if you only read six...six...sentences about then?

Guy 1: I look at people's faces. People's faces can...can tell a lot.

Guy 2: We absolutely don't care about it. Whoever wins, it's a [bleep censor].


Have some faith, young man! You come to the campaign stand. You pick your favorite candidates. You put them in that ballot box.

It’s all about you. You’re the boss!

That’s what they mean by “primaries” at Tihipko’s Strong Ukraine and Baloha’s United Center.

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Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Yanukovych ‘Propagan-Pragan-Propag-Nagandize’s Ukraine in China

Just when you thought he wouldn’t make it, he pissed you off. He made it!

In his own way.

Янукович: я здійснюю цей візит не лише щоб пропагандувати Україну с Видео bigmir)net.

Yanukovych: There’s no secret: I’m on this visit not just to foster a political partnership and not just to propagan-pragan-propag-nagandize Ukraine as a potential investment...Klondike. I also came to learn from your experience and your success.

I bet the Chinese are already trying to learn your language. Just give them a little more time.

Yanukovych: Throughout most of the previous years of its independence, Ukraine resembled a powerful car that wouldn’t budge because too many politicians believed themselves to be the drivers and had different visions of the road ahead. Today, there’s one driver. [applause] And there’s one road ahead: toward political pragmatism and economic modernization.


He then switches to Russian to talk about the Party of Regions' plans to sign an agreement with the Communist Party of China. I wonder if that will somehow drive the Party of Regions approval ratings up from 27%, back to 42%.

Anyway, speaking of “The Driver,” I think I have a couple of profiles.

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Friday, September 03, 2010

Yanukovych Does Deutschland! (Again)

Every time he visits Germany, he brings a little Oktoberfest with him.

Serhiy Leshchenko of Ukrayinska Pravda posts four audios that capture the dramedy of Yanukovych’s recent voyage to Germany.

1. Refers to himself as a “scientist” who “was creating this science.”

ProFFessor Yanukovych: I worked with investments as a manager at various levels at one time and as a scientist: I was creating this science and running...running a faculty at the university for 8 years.

2. Recalls German workers who did a great job coating a “club house” at Mezhyhirya, in a rare admission of what his €23K salary can buy.

Uses the word “обналічка” (surzhyk for cashing) instead of облицювання or оздоблення (coating), as suggested by someone.

3. Teaches “Romano Prodi of Ireland” a geography lesson.

4. Tells a Soviet-themed joke that lacks a shred of humor to it.

Keep them coming, mein lieber Präsident!

We OSTabilnist-arbeiters can’t wait to cash in on your weird science!