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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tymoshenko Awakens to Abuses of Power (Not Her Own)

When I hop from rally to rally, Sleeping Beauty never shows up.

In fact, her party supports a law that I rallied against.

But when her gas cronies get busted, she cries blue murder.

That’s one hell of a “need to protest” mode.

Video embedded from:

Monday, June 28, 2010

Yanukovych to Rewrite Constitution

I, Viktor II, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully rewrite the Constitution of Ukraine back to the Leonid II model that suits me.

So help me $.

Yanukovych: Adopted in 1996, the Constitution of Ukraine, in its key tenets, has passed the test of time. In terms of defining human freedoms and rights it is regarded as one of the most progressive in the world. That said, the state-building experience over the years that have passed since the adoption of the supreme law of the land, has proven that the Constitution of Ukraine under modern dynamic historical conditions needs certain changes. Some of its norms, namely those hastily adopted in 2004, have become a cause of loss of balance and profound government crisis, and thus an object of criticism from within the country and from the international community. At the same time, I want to emphasize: Rectifying the current shortcomings — the constitutional improvement process — must in no way become a political act. It is a serious change of social relations that has to rest on the will of the people, reflect today’s reality, and define the state’s progress in general.


Once again, I greet all compatriots on the Constitution Day of Ukraine. I wish you concord, peace and goodness. May the upholding of the constitutional norms and the unwavering protection of human rights and freedoms become a guarantee of the successful development of the Ukrainian state, the strengthening of humanism and the supremacy of law in our land.


Now that Medvedev signed up for the “Terminator 2” remake, how about a “Red Heat” one?

We’ve got plenty of Viktors in Ukraine, some with priors.

Or maybe something less dramatic?


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tymoshenko Spoofed as Naked Singer

She’s resting.

That’s how some people see things now that she left the national spotlight.

Reports of her
opposition activity have been scarce. She hasn't appeared on political talk shows in weeks.

Her daughter is definitely resting.

Approved by the National Morality Board and Bearcats European Strategy.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Azarov Keen on ‘Cheating Our Population’ (Freudian Slip)

Machiavelli meets Malthus meets Freud.

PM Azarov: We have everything! And the laws too... There’s only one thing missing: the very system...that allows...[glances down]...cheating our population, our people...and none of the officials bears any responsibility for this.
Official translation: We have everything. And we have the laws. We don’t possess only one thing - the system itself. Another «system» is functioning that allows deceive our people and none of the officials bears any responsibility for this.

We do have that system, Mr. Azarov! And it doesn't get lost in translation.

Promise: deregulate, lower taxes
Practice: raise taxes for small businesses, kill the outsourcing industry

Promise: “wild capitalism” over
Practice: Luhanskteplovoz re-grabitized at half the market price

Promise: make seniors happy
Practice: raise the retirement age to 65

Life expectancy at birth (UN)
Men: 62.1
Women: 73.8
Country rank: 123 out of 195

Defined benefit pension gap
1990: 8.6
2009: 84.6

1992: 52.24
2010: 45.89 (April)

All systems go!

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Kids Praise Yanukovych in Soviet-Style Song (Full Version)

Welcome to another Lost Generation! ☭owered by Cradle-to-Grave Brainwahing $olutions™.

Now that I have the full version, let me take the liberty to translate the refrain, rhyme by rhyme.

Uncle Vitya, strong and powerful
Uncle Vitya, an uncle who can rule
Uncle Vitya, an uncle who's heaven-sent
Uncle Vitya Yanukovych, a smart president

Hey girls, you forgot “Uncle Lyosha, a smart prosecutor.”

I mean Oleksiy Bahanets, the Lviv oblast prosecutor who uses a $100K Lexus CX 470, with a police license plate that the police can’t identify.

Every Friday, according to, that Lexus gets loaded with bagfuls of something that travels from Lviv to Kyiv.

Uncle Lyosha calls the story an “invasion of privacy” and wants the reporters disciplined.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he's just an honest man who owes his fortune to “Climbing for Dollars.”


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Over 100 Protest Bill Abridging Freedom of Assembly

Using their bodies as letters, over 100 activists said ТАК (yes) to freedom of assembly and НІ (no) to legislation meant to restrict it.

The proposed bill would require protesters to post a 4-day notice prior to holding a protest.

Hundreds rallied against the bill Monday in major cities across Ukraine.

They named the rally “Вихід з демократії. Пароль: 2450.” (“Exiting Democracy. Password: 2450.”), referring to the bill’s registration number.

In Kyiv, the rally proceeded from Maidan Nezalezhnosti to the Verkhovna Rada and ended with the announcement that hearings will be postponed until next week.

If you’re a fan of FEMEN, stay tuned.

At a small but vocal rally, Sasha and Inna, the two vinok-clad ladies, protested passionately and often stole the spotlight.
(Just as they did last Friday on Inter.)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Make a Promise, Break a Promise (Yes, He Can — All in 1 Day!)

With a few dozen protesters sealed behind a massive police cordon, the 100 Days of Yanucracy gala went without much incident.

Until Yanukovych spoke to the reporters, that is.

Audaciously, they cornered him on his campaign promise to let them tour his fantabulous Mezhyhirya principality.

Caught up in a non-cherry-picked environment, Yanukovych unleashed the full force of the kick-the-cat syndrome on Herman, his big-mouth helicopter mom.

Her attempts to mother him from that environment only made things worse. To every reporter that surrounded him, he promised the bus ride of a lifetime: 5 buses x 60 people in each. Destination: Mezhyhirya.

And boy did he take them for a ride!

Yanukovych: Hanna Mykhailivna...[starts looking around for her]...have this organized. many?
Herman [keeps blabbering]:

Yanukovych [gets angry]: No, wa...wait, listen, just listen to me, just listen to me please!
Herman [stops blabbering]:

Yanukovych: How many? 50? A bus? Two? Three? Have five buses organized. I have no objections, no objections. Five buses. 60 people in each.
Herman: As you wish.

Yanukovych: But...but...bu...
Herman: We don’t let the president down around here.

Yanukovych [gets angry again]: Just...lis...Hanya, just let me do the talking! Yes. Just keep in mind that I’ve got one and a half hectares down there, of which I’m an owner. The rest is trespassing. One and a half, one and a half hectares of my property. It is to this one and a half hectares that I’m inviting you. You’ll be walking, you’ll be working. I’m

Reporters [ask him about who owns the rest]:
Yanukovych: Eh? There’s an owner.

Reporters: Who?
Yanukovych: You know everything [reporters burst into laughter].

Reporters: Your relatives?
Yanukovych: He knows more...more...

Reporters: A London-based firm...
Yanukovych: ...more than I do! Maybe those are your relatives? I don’t know. [laughter] Most probably, yours. What do you mean ‘why’?

Herman: OK, Viktor Fedorovych, we’ll have this organized [phony as hell].
Yanukovych: Eh? I don’t know [responds to a question].

Herman: Thank you!

No sooner had Yanukovych promised to, well, keep his campaign promise than Herman canceled it.

She said the president had an important international meeting to attend. Half an hour later, he made his way back to Mezhyhirya.

And guess what? That’s where the meeting was supposed to take place, according to Herman.

I look forward to having them both appear in Lie To Me, Season 3.


Friday, June 11, 2010

100 Days of Yanucracy Address (Best Quotes)

On June 3, Ukraine marked 100 days of Yanucracy. So what do we have?

Raped Constitution? Check. Reinforced oligarchy? Check. Semi-muzzled opposition? Check. Kremlin-controlled Ukraine? Check.

The man who made so much happen in so little time deserves a pat on the back from his friends, doesn’t he? That’s why he threw that party in the Ukraine Palace.

A hundred peaceful protesters who dared to rain on his parade, in violation of a court order, became virtually invisible behind a cordon of riot police.

Yanukovych addressed the nation in a bout of extreme bullshitmania.

The incomplete state of market transformations that stopped halfway due to political wars and primitive populism triggered the development of a certain “wild capitalism” where entrepreneurship coexists with bureaucracy, and government resources, for a long time, were redistributed as in socialist times — on the basis of nepotism, favoritism and “political protectionism.”

Strong government is made strong by its opposition.
I want to assure all the skeptics and critics: The oligarchs, lobbyists and other influence groups will, so to speak, stand in the “common line.” I will not allow any side influence on government decisions. The “wild capitalism” times ended with the 2010 election.

Any idea what the “common line” means?

Does it mean Yanukovych will post that $7M gain on the sale of real estate? Does it mean he will renegotiate his $40/hectare Mezhyhirya monthly rent in an open bid?

Does it mean Herman will get rid of her new $58K diamond watch? (Twice her annual income, as far as her tax returns can tell.)

Does it mean Herman's son will quit his lucrative mother-knows-best job and his $15K outfit?


Wednesday, June 09, 2010

FEMEN Breast Protest Pokes Fun at Azarov

Hardly a week passes by without FEMEN doing boobs and circuses.

This week, they target PM Azarov's broken Ukrainian, rampant misgovernment and outrageous sexism.

Specifically, they elaborate on the PM’s hilariously mangled version of the Ukrainian word for bloodsuckers that he uttered last week in a finger-pointing speech.

He should have said кровососи (krovososy) but came out with кровосісі (krovosisi), which sounds like bloody titties.

FEMEN, in turn, seized the opportunity to produce a collection of mock body art, enshrouded in feminine mystique.


5-Year Olds Sing Yanukovych Songs, Soviet-Style

Ever heard one of those Soviet kids' songs that idolize the Great Leader?

Well, here’s a fresh one. Welcome Ukraine's not-so-unlikely 2011 Eurovision entry!

Uncle Vitya
Strong and big

Uncle Vitya
There’s no one like him
Uncle Vitya Yanukovych
A smart president

Reporter [asks in Russian]: Who is a president?
Girl [responds with a Ukrainian-inflected и]: Yanukovych.

Reporter [continues in Russian]: What does he do?
Girl [responds in Russian]: He tells...all the people...what to do.

Courtesy of: Barbie Jazz, a children’s ensemble that brings back the good old days of Stalin’s personality cult.

There’s a romantic side to this. It turns out the director of the Luhansk-based ensemble admires Yanukovych’s grandsons and would love to have them marry his girls.

Hey girls, looks like you have your gender work cut out for you, in a couple of five-year plans!

Could one of these blasts from the past do an album with you, feat. Uncle Vitya?

Debut single suggestion: “Woman, Step Aside Please” (feat. Azarov)

Video uploaded from:

Original source:

Monday, June 07, 2010

Over 100 Journalists March Against Censorship

Some say I’m going nowhere, but it’s better than standing still,” as one song goes.

Event: Марш за свободу слова (Freedom of Speech March)

Date: Sunday, Jun. 6, 2010

Venue: Maidan Nezalezhnosti>Cabinet>Verkhovna Rada>Presidential Administration

Who came: Over 100 people, most of them journalists, including big names such as Serhiy Leshchenko, Mustafa Nayem, Tetyana Chornovil, Roman Skrypin et al.

Friday, June 04, 2010

FEMEN Masquerades as Journalist-Beating Riot Police

FEMEN goes after visibility at the expense of credibility.

I'd love to watch you gatecrash that 100 Days of Yanucracy party at the Ukraine Palace:)

I applaud some of your attention-grabbing protests. Still, I believe your over-reliance on boobs-and-circuses limits your appeal and protest value.

Many people think you girls just wanna have fun.

By the way, a non-FEMEN mock protest took place outside the Russian Embassy a few days ago.

Videos uploaded/embedded from:
Original sources:

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Goons, Police Clash With Park Defenders in Kharkiv

Reform #6: Barbaric construction? Yes, we can!

From Kyiv to Kharkiv, it’s all the same.

Step 1: Construction company buys whatever land permits it can.

Step 2: Construction company hires goons and police.

Step 3: Goons and police clash with activists.

Gorky Park, Kharkiv, May 28: Chanting “Militsiya z narodom!” (The police are with the people), activists try to appeal to police officers’ better selves.

So much for the Orange Revolution slogan. Unmoved, the police start making arrests. A woman gets hysterical: “What ‘people’ are you talking about? They’re grabbing you!”

2:47: “It’s not a construction site! It’s a park, man,” insists one activist.
8:42: An activist gets quietly robbed by a fast-fingered goon.
9:92: With the bulldozer already running, an activist concludes in dismay: “It’s called ‘Ukraine for the People.’”

Protests resumed amid chopped trees. People
sang, bonded and grieved, sharing ideas, slogans and poetry.

Jun 2: Cops for construction continue arresting peaceful activists, in a blatant violation of their freedom of assembly rights.

Maybe the second edition of The Audacity of Hope will mention Kharkiv, too?

(The first one mentions Donetsk 1 time, Kiev [sic] 2 times and Ukraine 10 times.)