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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Azarov Spells Ivano-Frankivsk As If It’s Named After Dictator Franco

If you’ve lived in Ukraine for decades and still haven’t learned Ukrainian, you vote for the Party of Regions.

But if you repeatedly misspell one of Ukraine’s oblasts in Russian, the Party of Regions owes you a spot on its ticket.

“Ivano-FrAnkovsk” is how PM Azarov spells Ivano-FrankOvsk (Russian for Ivano-Frankivsk).

As if it’s named after Spanish dictator Francisco Franco, not after Ukrainian poet-writer Ivan Franko.

For krovosisi’s sake, don’t we already have “poetess Anna Akhmetova” and “great poet” Chekhov on our books?

Well, if you read Chekhov extensively, you'd find poetry galore. Which makes Yanukovych a well-read person, Herman says.

Which, in turn, emboldens Yanukovych to stand his ground in describing Chekhov as a
wonderful poet.

Call it what you will, but Patriarch Kirill says Yanukovych “serves the cause of the spiritual enlightenment of his people.”


Monday, July 26, 2010

Biker Putin, Mayor Luzhkov, Patriarch Kirill Descend on Ukraine

The Kremlin has been ganging up on Yanukovych in what appears to be a very tight schedule.

Once in Ukraine, everyone gets busy.

Patriarch Kirill — slams nationalism.

Seriously, didn’t we Little Russians oppress you Great Russians for centuries?

Лучшее видео на - Что Лужков заявлял о Севастополе

Mayor Luzhkov — questions Ukraine’s sovereignty over Sevastopol.

Touché! Didn’t we Little Russians conquer Great Russian towns and villages, sending millions of Great Russians to the Holodomors and Gulags?

PM/Biker-in-Chief Putin — practices Ukrainian. Again!

Putin [addresses Russian bikers in Russian]: Tomorrow is Russian Navy Day. Let me greet all navy personnel with this holiday! [applause] And tomorrow Ukrainian and Russian naval personnel will be together — just as they were together — just as our peoples were together for many many centuries, in times of trials and tribulations. And tomorrow they will be together. And for this I want to give special thanks to the leadership...of Ukraine, most notably to President Yanukovich Viktor Fiodorovich [Rus: second name, first name, patronymic], both for the decision...[roar of applause]...both for the decision on the Russian Black See Fleet and for the overall atmospherics that he creates in relations between our peoples, between the brotherly peoples of Ukraine and Russia.

I want to ask you for a favor. And to make a wish too. Take care of yourselves — yourselves and those around you. Let us say no to reck...reckless racing and reckless driving. [raises voice] L-o-n-g l-i-v-e U-k-r-a-i-n-e! L-o-n-g l-i-v-e R-u-s-s-i-a! Long live the bike! [parting shot in lower-voice comic-sounding Ukrainian]

Woo hoo! Long live the legacy of Russia's Ukrainization!

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Yanukovych Preps Azarov for Ukrainian (Off-Air Leak)

Language barriers exist between Ukraine’s top two officials, in violation of the law.

Well, who gives a vuzeli about the laws and the languages anyway?

President Yanukovych [informal Russian]: Well, I’ll be addressing the Ukrainian language. [switches to formal Ukrainian] Mykola Yanukovych [name, patronymic], I would like to hear you out...on the current situation — on issues of relevance.

Not quite as dramatic as Tymoshenko’s “everything’s gone” leak, but still didactic.

Keep them coming, guys!

Watch another snippet of the conversation.

Azarov gloats over the drought in Russia, which, he says, bodes well for Ukraine’s agricultural exports.

Which actually means the grain traders and VAT rebate folks will line their pockets, leaving the farmers with nickels and dimes.

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Monday, July 19, 2010

Yanukovych Addresses Nation on Sovereignty Day

To Yanukovych, sovereignty means something else.

President Yanukovych: As president of the state and as the guarantor of the Constitution, I am filled with resolve to secure the internal and external political factors that will allow our people to feel that government irresponsibility has once and for all become a thing of the past. European prospects and developing strategic relations with centers of world politics, including the Russian Federation, will secure us economic prosperity and social progress. Thus, with dignity, we will carry on with the cause initiated twenty years ago. Happy holidays to you, dear compatriots!


Want to study one of the world’s funniest languages? Try Ukrofficialese.

OK, what else, Mr. President? Constitution! That name rings a bell. You two are shacking up at Mezhyhirya, right?

How generous of you to spend €1M of your €23K/year salary on those birthday party artists. After all, your official salary makes up 1000% of Ukraine’s nominal GDP per capita.

Makes Ukraine’s flag go upside down!

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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Tymoshenko: ‘Very Big Business’ > 1/2 My Life

She’s not a church mouse anymore. She’s richer, smarter and holier.

Holier than Yanukovych.

Yulia Tymoshenko: Uh...I...uh...spent more than half of my life doing very big business — very big business. That’s a business that had billions of...uh...revenue...

Mustafa Nayem: You have some savings left?
Tymoshenko: Definitely! Definitely! And these that time, I...didn’t have to disclose them...

Nayem: They’re in Ukraine?
Tymoshenko: ...because I was not an official. Uh...all these savings...they do exist, and we as a family are using them.
Nayem: Aha!

Tymoshenko: So the difference is, I was in business, and Yanukovych hasn’t been a single day in business.
Nayem: Aha!

Tymoshenko: Difference number two, you’re now being present at my home. This home is being rented. This home has never in its whole life belonged to the state.
Nayem: How? By who?

Tymoshenko: It’s being rented by my family. Directly. My husband has a rental agreement.
Nayem: Aha!

Tymoshenko: And I want all officials to rent homes like I do — private homes — or let them rent apartments, and not take them away from the state.

So she says she spent more than half of her life doing very big business? Let's do the math here.

Small business became legal in the USSR in 1986-1988.

In 1988, Tymoshenko (b. 1960) and her husband started a chain of small VCR-powered movie theaters, immensely popular amid perestroika’s passion for Western culture.

In 1997, Tymoshenko assumed her first public office, a seat in Ukraine’s parliament.

All of which suggests that:

A. Tymoshenko misspoke.
B. Tymoshenko is a teenager.
C. Tymoshenko (aka Gas Princess) stayed in business after being elected.
D. Both B and C are correct.

What do you think?

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Yanukovych Goes Dirty Dancing at His 60th Anniversary Party

Still got that spark, huh?

Music: Philipp Kirkorov, People’s Artist of Ukraine (Yushchenko’s 2008 choice).

Dance partners spotted:

Yanukovych+Lyudmyla Kuchma (Kuchma’s wife)




Kuchma+Olena Franchuk (Kuchma’s daughter)


Akhmetov+Pinchuk (free hugs oligarchfest)
Zvyahilsky (Hava Nagila, solo)

Anybody seen First Lady Lyudmyla Yanukovych?

And where the hell is Lady HaHa?

Video embedded from: Original source:

‘Vuzeli’ (Yanukovych Misspells Vuvuzela on His 60th B-Day)

If you want something misspelled or misplaced, ask Yanukovych.

He’s already done this to countries, continents, names, guests and job titles.
The list goes on.

The next time “Esteemed Madam Secretary General” Clinton drops by, she’ll probably discover more of his God-given potential.

In the meantime, Herman Van Rompuy, the president of the European Council, came to claim his fair share.

As he congratulated Yanukovych on his 60th anniversary, a spelling bee invaded Ukraine's airspace.
And, presto, Yanukovych found himself declining the noun vuvuzela as vuzeli instead of vuvuzeli!

I pity the smartass who put the V-word on his talking points.

He or she better grab that bike (a useless gift from democracy-starved reporters) and get the hell out of the country.

Anyway, I hope the lavish birthday party, attended by throngs of officials, oligarchs and celebs (including Lara Fabian), more than compensated for the faux pas.

Que Dieu Aide Les *Oligarques*

God Help the *Oligarchs*

Happy Birthday, Your Holine$$!


Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Anthem Plays, Yanukovych Walks (Protocol Disaster)

When the music plays, it’s showtime!

I mean look at Yanukovych, Master of International Law.

Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa will definitely remember that. And the dead microphone too.

To accommodate the novelty-seeking behavior, Ukraine's anthem chose to remain silent.

If Ceylon Tea ever needs a maverick image, they know where to look for ideas.

Later, two typos popped up at the Sri Lanka-Ukraine business forum: “Высокоповажність” and “Co-chaird.”

(Not to mention
Yanukovich, but that's nitpicking.)

Proofreading can be a little too complex to be outsourced to our Presidential Administration.


Monday, July 05, 2010

Clintons Talk ‘God-Given Potential’ to Ukraine (1995-2010)

Nothing has changed since the Clintons first visited Ukraine in 1995.

Except that the Baltics (buy) became Europe, and Ukraine (sell) remains Eurasia.

Otherwise, it’s all the same: same speeches, same shibboleths.

Bill Clinton (May 12, 1995): But your efforts will not be in vain, because the course is right, even if the path is difficult. The toil is bitter, but the harvest is sweet, as the old Proverb says. In time, your transformation will deliver better, more prosperous lives and the chance for you and your children to realize your God-given potential. You and your children will reap the harvest of today's sacrifices.

In the pursuit of peace and prosperity, you have been well-served by President Kuchma and his government's bold and farsighted leadership. You should know this: As you build your future, the United States will stand with you.

Now, compare that oldie to this newie:

Hillary Clinton (July 2, 2010):
Ukraine matters not just to Ukrainians; Ukraine matters to the world. Because there are so many opportunities for Ukraine to assume a position of prominence and influence in the region, in Europe, and even beyond. An open, innovative Ukraine has much to offer. When I look at the students who graduate from this institute, and know that you are among the best of the world, I see limitless possibilities.

And the world is looking to you to secure your democracy, grow your economy, deepen your integration with your...and create the conditions that will allow you and every Ukrainian citizen to make the most of your God-given potential. The United States wants to be your partner.


Fifteen years go by, and guess what? Our “God-given potential” keeps going strong!

What, no “stand with you’s” this time

Hillary Clinton (July 2, 2010): So no matter where one lives in the world today there is always a temptation to get discouraged, dispirited, give up on the promise of democracy because it is a slow and sometimes messy process. And I'm here to urge to do just the opposite: to work even harder to strengthen your democracy, to build more civil society, to empower your media, to ensure that your future here in Ukraine is as positive as you deserve it to be. Now, this work is never easy.


It’s never easy when you’re caught between a “reset” and a hard place.

And here's what that place looks like.

Back to the Clinton speech:

I discussed the importance of defending these rights with your president, and he has made a commitment to uphold Ukraine’s democracy, to strengthen the rule of law, to maintain a strong respect for human rights.


Obviously, State doesn't know any better than to copy and paste from Yanukovych's latest address to the nation.
Trying to appeal to the man's better self, huh?

Anyway, in case you missed it, he has already broken that “commitment.”

As you tried to commit him to liberty, some protesters ended up committed to a lockup.

The United States applauds these statements and we welcome these commitments, but we recognize that rhetoric alone has not changed the game. These statements need to be followed by with concrete actions. And we have said very clearly to the Ukrainian government that we will help to make sure that these values and freedoms are protected.

Exactly! And to be honest, what you’re saying sounds like pure rhetoric. At least, that's been my impression so far.

It’s important, too, that we look at how to promote broadly based prosperity. One of the problems in societies around the world today is that too much of the productivity of the economy is going to too few — too few people. The political and economic elites are realizing the vast majority of benefits from economic activity.


I hope the Clinton Foundation no longer accepts donations from our elites. Or am I being a little too audacious here?

That IMF loan really hits the spot! We lose our nukes, you help our crooks.
Again. The Clinton model of U.S.-Ukrainian relations lives on. Let's call it “Thanking the Thieves 2,” shall we?

Oh, sorry, thanking the elites. Our elites can't live without more luxury clothing, cars, jets and villas. And we, the ordinary people, can't live without footing the bill, right?

Naturally, I couldn’t find any videos of Bill Clinton’s Shevchenko University address. But, surprisingly, I found this.

Like I said, nothing has changed since 1995.

Same rhetoric, same religion.

Friday, July 02, 2010

FEMEN Greets Clinton With Bare Breasts

Hillary, there's still some democracy left for you!

“Hillary, help! Hillary, help! No strong woman, no free country!”

A warm welcome, isn't it? Btw, they're just an egg's throw away from where your husband delivered his “Boritesya-Poborete” speech on June 5, 2000.

Anyway, it's good to hear you talk democracy again. It comes as a huge relief after all those “reset button”-ed up and “uranium-friendly” episodes.

But what if democracy gets worse? Do we get to hear more talk?


Yanukovych Buys Drugs, Burns Drugs (Publicity Stunt)

He bought “marijuana, cocaine and so on” online to alert law enforcement to the availability of “prycho...psychotropic” substances.

He then sent his procurement team offline to burn the stuff in front of the cameras, with all the necessary paperwork.

Oh no! Why didn't you keep that fire burning so Hillary could put it on her resume?

I wonder if Yanukovych drew his inspiration from this scene:

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