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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Yanukovych Gets e-Book from Kolesnikov

Dmitry, you can tease our students with your iPad all you want.

But don't mess with ProFFessor Yanukovych.

Vice PM Borys Kolesnikov: There are 135,000 pages here, and a kid, accordingly, at any moment, can go back to any material, even if he’s in 11th grade. This saves us thousands of cubic meters of wood every year and saves the ki...the kid the trouble of carrying textbooks.

President Yanukovych: Thank you, Borys Viktorovych!

Some say it’s an iPad. Others say it’s a PocketBook 302 (made in Ukraine).

Whatever it is, I hope
it comes with a spellchecker, geography helper, question ducker and BS meter.

Love that scholarly look on the president’s face!

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Playboy Model Recites Poetry for Yanukovych; FEMEN Bust-ed Again

Independence Day 2010 combined Soviet-style officialdom with sexy overtures.

A background check revealed that Alyona Fesunenko, one of the performers at Independence Square, had made a name for herself as Ukraine’s PMOY 2005.

With passion in her voice, Alyona recited “Love Ukraine” (1944) by Volodymyr Sosyura, a patriotic poem condemned as nationalistic by many at the time.

This lays to rest a Soviet woman's famous quote from a 1986 US-USSR teleconference: “In the USSR, there is no sex, but there is love.”

The guys above really love Ukraine! From the bottom of their pockets.

FEMEN sexed up the day at a separate event, in what looked like a rip-off of Putin’s bike ride.

Placed on hair-trigger alert to protect stabilnist, police intervened quickly and booked the ladies one more time.

Happy Independence Day, Mr. President!


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Chervona Ruta ’89: Ukraine’s Woodstock

Enjoy these rare videos from the festival that propelled Ukraine’s national revival with the power of music.

Ukrainian music really rocked back then!

З Днем Незалежності, Україно! Happy Independence Day, Ukraine!

Ukraine’s Anthem in 14 Languages

Enjoy the fullest compilation!

Some look a bit unnatural, comic and over-multiculturalized (the get-together one below, sung in Ukrainian).

At the end of the day, we’re not a nation of immigrants. I mean we’re not as ethnically diverse as Canada, Australia and the US. (That may change as we borrow another 7 billion dollars from the IMF and lend another 7 million of our population to the great beyond.)

The point is, when it comes to ethnic makeup, we’re more like France, Germany and Poland. It’s just that we’re a bit less Westernized and more Russified.

In other words, we’re not Europe. We’re not the West. We’re stupid savages that trade nukes for nothing and tolerate crooks. We’re Eurasia, a label promoted by the US Department of Sweet Harvests and Reset Buttons.

That said, it’s important that Ukrainians of all creeds and colors live in the spirit of e pluribus unum. In this regard, learning to speak Ukrainian as fluently as one’s mother tongue would be a plus:)

З Днем Незалежності, Україно! Happy Independence Day, Ukraine!














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Friday, August 13, 2010

Miner Breaks Stalin-Era Record As 4 Die Per 1M Tons

In China, if miners die because of poor safety, their bosses die too.

In Ukraine — whose death rate comes second — the bosses prosper, the miners perish. And some miners even push the envelope!

No sooner had the bodies from the latest accident been recovered than Serhiy Shemuk produced a mind-boggling 170 tons of coal (2,023% of plan). That beats the Stalin-era Stakhanov record by 68 tons.

“I don’t need the money. Just give me the medal.” That’s how one boss summed up a worker’s attitude in an industry that saw 151 deaths in 2009 alone.

Seriously, shouldn’t we have medals for this? For 3,000% of plan? For slaving away in the deathtraps of Donbas and enjoying it? Got killed? Your family will pick it up for you posthumously.

The Yanukovych regime and the International Medals Fund should medalize everyone willing to help them prosper.

Fortunately, some miners beg to differ.

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Monday, August 09, 2010

Yanukovych Face Carved on Watermelon

Children and adults, singers and sculptors, eastern Ukrainians love their leader.

Obviously, the 50% utility hike, effective August 1, hasn’t hit home yet.

If that’s not enough, don’t worry. There’ll be another 50% hike in April 2011.

Contrary to what the watermelon face had promised, the gas-for-fleet discount turned out to be not-so-water-tight when it comes to ordinary people.

Oh, wait, you can try your luck applying for a subsidy.

Just remember: Whatever Yanukovych does to you, it’s all Tymoshenko’s fault.

Here’s a Donetsk businessman who appeals to Yanukovych to protect him and locals from Lozynsky-type thugs who identify with the Party of Regions.

Why not put their faces on watermelons too? Maybe the IMF could even sponsor an art exhibit?

In Russian cuisine, they have creative ideas of their own.

Lenin and his associates consumed Russians and others by the million. Now, how about some Russians consume some Lenin? Piece of cake!

Амелькина "ленина съели". Огромный торт изображающий ленина в натуральную величину. Его режут,

Yummy. I’m lovin’ it!

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Thursday, August 05, 2010

Reggie Degrades Commies as ‘Wife’

Who says there are no women in this cabinet? Here comes the “wife,” (aka Communists).

MP Mykhailo Chechetov (PRU): If there’s one television: The husband wants to watch soccer...and the wife, ballet. If...uh...the wife...fulfills the husband’s request and makes it possible to watch soccer — she goes to the kitchen, drinks some coffee, goes to a girlfriend, goes out and so on — then this family will live forever, so to speak, and in one a hundred years, in one day…they’ll die together. But if the wife should say, “And I want ballet on television!” and the husband says, “And I want soccer!” then this family’s day are numbered. That’s why in this situatioooooon we sometimes let the our soccer. [lowers voice for smug effect]

Let me translate. “You want a husband, open your legs. You want a divorce, open your mouth.” That's the house rule for the junior partners in the Coalition of Carcasses.

Actually, there’s one exception. Meet the “wife” who knows how to use her mouth without getting divorced.

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Monday, August 02, 2010

Putin Confuses Khersones With Kherson, Rus With Russia

Putin meets Yanukovych halfway as the two compile a joint history textbook.

PM Putin: Here, not far from here, in Kherson, in the 10th century, in 988, the then leader, the head of the Old Russian state, Prince Vladimir, embraced Christianity and then baptized Rus.

Well, that makes 10th-century Constantinople the capital of what? The Ottoman Empire?

And Christianity came to Rus via the Old Russian Black Sea Fleet, at the behest of the then mayor of Moscow, right?

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