Share |

Friday, December 31, 2010

Yushchenko’s Brother: ‘Any Government Is From God’

In Government=God we trust.

Reporter: Will you be listening to Yanukovych this year [New Year’s address]?
MP Petro Yushchenko (NUNS):
Sure, I will!

You’re willing to?

Petro Yushchenko:
It’s a’s a’s a choiceeeee...uh...under...any government is from God!
Thank God you and your bro got to keep your government apartment and dacha respectively!

God bless Ukraine!


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Lutsenko’s Wife Curses Prosecutor: ‘You’re Gonna Be Impotent!’

Forget Tamiflu! Think Viagra!

Lutsenko’s wife: How can one tolerate such a lie? It’s just impossible! Why are you staring at me? Why are you staring at me, liar? You’re gonna be impotent! I’m looking right into your eyes. You’re gonna be impotent!

Power can be soooo sexy. Losing power sux.

He lost his power, but not his sense of humor.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

FEMEN: ‘We Are the Watch Bitches of Democracy!’

Join the party!

(The FEMEN political party, that is.)

We are Ukrainian women. We are the FEMEN movement. We are the watch bitches of democracy! Our god: woman. Our weapon: bare breasts. Our goal: government. European Union, accept us! Kremlin, leave us alone! Ukraine, let’s be together! Ukrainian women, come join us, get topless and win!

If some of that sounds naïve, join this Ukrainian Army beauty contest.


Friday, December 17, 2010

4 Opposition MPs in Hospital, Beaten by Majority

Blood on the dance floor again!

This time, Yanukovych boys beat the democracy out of Tymoshenko's BYuT.

Casualties: 4 BYuTies hospitalized with various injuries (1 in pretty bad shape).

The Party of Regions. The party that builds!


Monday, December 13, 2010

Yanukovych (FY 2011: $42.9M) v. Bush (FY 2007: $12.4M)

He talks small government.

And then he outspends the White House 3.45 to 1.

Yanukovych: These people that will be dismissed, they will receib...receive corr...corresponding severance packages upon dismissal, in accordance with the law. [...] The benefits...from the reduction of government officials’ headcount will not transpire until 2012. From then on, every year, undoubtedly, we’ll have quite substantial savings.

You mean, having 16 ministers instead of 24 will save us a fortune? Awesome! But wait... Is that the whole story?

It’s not. I mean look at the State Directorate for Affairs. This funny-name agency acts as the nanny state to Ukraine’s mammoth central government bureaucracy.

In FY 2011, its budget will balloon 27%, or by Hr. 292,856,700 ($36,822,962), to Hr. 1,343,862,300 ($168,973,394).

Now what about the Administration of the President? Wanna see the color of his money?

FY 2011: Hr. 204,743,300 ($25,743,835)

FY 2010: Hr. 131,968,700 ($16,593,366)

That’s just one ambiguous presidential line item. The other two items, maintenance and foreign travel:

FY 2011: Hr. 107,396,200 ($13,503,690)

FY 2010: Hr. 131,968,700 ($16,593,366)

FY 2011: Hr. 29,151,500 ($3,665,426)

FY 2010: Hr. 26,526,300 ($3,335,340)

So whatta we got?

$42.9M for Yanukovych (FY 2011) v. $12.4M for Bush (FY 2007).

You’d think Ukraine’s GDP per capita beats that of the U.S. by a factor of 3.45.

Oh no...

Nominal GDP per capita: Ukraine ($2,600) v. U.S. ($46,400)

Special thanks to the IMF for your continued support!

Your last standby program caught us in Nov. 2008, when we had a population of 46,200,000. As of Sept. 1, 2010, we still had
45,831,400 left.

Can we downsize it to, say, 25 million over the next two decades?


Monday, December 06, 2010

Protesters Out, Yolka In (Yanukovych Speaketh)

Perimeter secured!

Ever wonder who stole that tent city? And why?

Because the rule of the laws of Ukraine is compulsory for all. Kyiv, they’re already setting up, on the very spot where the protesters’ tents stood, they’re already setting up the New Year...[struggles with Ukrainian, settles for Russian]...YOLKA [tree], and very-very soon people will start celebrating the New Year.

In other words, “Sapogi dorogu znayut. The boots know the road.”

So does the yolka, the New Year tree. It makes people happy and protesters scarce.

Happy New Year, Mr. YanukovGrinch!


Friday, December 03, 2010

Police Trash Anti-Tax Code Protesters' Camp

After concessions, a crackdown!

Democracy, Yanukovych-style.

Police state Україна (Ukraine)

Happy New Year, Mr. President!

Police arrested up to 10 protesters (1 ended up in the hospital).

Visit Mustafa Nayem's blog for more crackdown pics.

And yes, Yanukovych called the crackdown democratic.

He knows what he's talking about.

I've been dreaming of this for six years.

Democracy was dismantled here.

Pics from Olena Bilozerska's post-crackdown report.


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Yanukovych Admits to Giving Bribes?

He minces pockets. But he doesn’t mince words.

Yanukovych: They’re rubber-stamping permits and licenses...and they’ve got regions, business, entrepreneurs and industrialists standing in line. [...] I’ll tell you, I’ve been in that line too. I would never come to Kyiv...alone. Because I didn’t have enough hands. And when we flew...when I flew by plane, two or three [entourage] cars would follow.

Thank you for sharing, Uncle Vitya! Has logistics improved since then?

I mean look at Uncle Lyosha. He looks like he could use a hand.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Yanukovych: 'I Will Give 5-Year Tax Breaks to All Small Businesses'

Read his lips again.

Presidential candidate Yanukovych:
Taxes should be lowered...most notably, by a factor of three, for enterprises where new jobs are created and high tech is introduced. I will give 5-year tax breaks to all small businesses and will exempt...small businesses...from registration fees and all permits paperwork.

How's that for a stump speech/campaign promise?

So here's my Thanksgiving message. (Skip to 40:30.)

Yes, I can see! Great General, I will work harder at the salt mines to get more salt to bring you more happiness. Thank you very much!


Anti-Tax Code Protests Gain Momentum

It ain't over.

Police keep blocking Kyiv-bound buses and threatening to remove the Maidan camp. Yet people keep coming.

The government has made a lame attempt at negotiations.
With a slightly stronger showing in Kyiv, protests continue all over Ukraine.

That includes Yanukovych strongholds:
Donetsk, Kharkiv, Dnipropetrovsk and Odesa.

Monday, November 22, 2010

More Anti-Tax Code Protests As Orange Revolution Turns 6

Back to square one.

We're nowhere as big as 6 years ago.

But we're in the right place, at the right time.

Tymoshenko back in vogue?

Her plan: Petition Yanukovych to veto the tax code.

Meanwhile, a court bans rallies in downtown Kyiv Nov. 22-26.

That's the same court that never banned pro-Yanukovych rallies.

The police that protected Yanukovych are now threatening his opponents.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Draconian Tax Law Approved (Watch How)

One person, one vote?

Not in Ukraine!

Yes he can! MP Chechetov can orchestrate a vote-for-your-absentee-pal symphony.

Music to His ears!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Thousands Protest Draconian Tax Law

Small business, small protest.

It takes 20 times as many protesters to mean business.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Yanukovych to ‘Wring’ Opposition Mayors’ Heads Off

If somebody messes with your opposition head, you know who dunnit.

Джерело відео:

Yanukovych: Democracy is not about abusing yourselves. It’s this...constructive approach to life, and not... If you have a competitive platform, be my guest. Make it happen. [...] In one region, they elected five city heads from one party, and the party’s in opposition. So these five city heads will be in opposition? I can’t imagine this. [chuckles] Ho can the head of a city be in opposition? I’ll wring his head off right away — if he doesn’t work on that sewerage, if he doesn’t work on that water and gas. [...] Uh...Ihor Stepanovych here, he’ opposition, right? But...

Kalush Mayor Ihor Nasalyk: No, what opposition?
Yanukovych [blurts out in Russian]: Ta podozhdi! [Hold it!] “What” [opposition]? I don’t know “what,” but I know he’s...taking care of the city day and night.

So how could Gongadze, the beheaded journalist, be in opposition to Kuchma?


Friday, November 12, 2010

FEMEN Protests Woman’s Stoning at Iran Event

Watch FEMEN take a stand for Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani.

In Ukraine, we don’t stone women. We sell them into sex slavery.

Just as we sell ourselves into stabilnist.

But some women make us want to rethink that policy.


Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Yanukovych to ‘Snip’ Corrupt Officials’ Pockets

As his sons grab Donetsk land $19/sq m, Ironman waxes sadistic.

Yanukovych: Nobody will be making a business out of the budget in this country, and those pockets that they’ve sewn for themselves — right to their feet — we’ll...✂ chick [snip] them, as the surgeons put it...huh? Right?
Medics: It’s amputate! Amputate!
Yanukovych: Those pockets. Hahaha!

This reminds me of a memorable quote from the Soviet miniseries “The Meeting Place Cannot Be Changed.” (It’s a detective drama that achieved cult status in the USSR, starring nonconformist idol Vladimir Vysotsky as Zhyglov.)

WW II has just ended, and two war heroes become cops to wage war on gangs.

In the final episode, Sharapov (the other cop) goes undercover and ends up abducted by the gang he’s been trying to infiltrate.

Not only does he make the gang believe his story, but he also devises a scheme that leads to the gang’s successful stakeout.

Watch the scene, with English subtitles.

Gang leader “Горбатый” (“Hunchback”): “Don't be afraid. It won't hurt when we cut you. Chick, and you're in heaven!” (true-to-original)


Just a thought. Nothing personal.


Saturday, October 30, 2010

Rivals Clash in Local Election Ads

Will the October 31 local elections be free and fair? Go figure!

The ruling Party of Regions will tell you that its approval ratings (41.5% in May v. 29% in Oct) have gone the way of Obama.

Meanwhile, the opposition will tell you everything you need to know about adminresurs (government foul play).

Seven parties should make it, according to the latest Razumkov poll.

Party of Regions (Yanukovych/coalition), 29%
Batkivshchyna (Tymoshenko/opposition), 13.5%
Strong Ukraine (Tihipko/coalition), 12%
Front of Change (Yatsenyuk/opposition), 5.4%
Svoboda (Tyahnybok/opposition), 3.6%
People’s Party (Lytvyn/coalition), 3.2%
Communist Party (Symonenko/coalition), 3.1%

In the chemistry of ads, one can detect a strong prevalence of fingerpointex over populismol.

As for me, I prefer this.

In Kyiv, we had a snap local election in 2008, so we’ll pass on this one.

OK, let's get this party started.

People’s Party: 100% populismol

Vote for the “normal” guys who'll make your life “normal.”
Astroturfing testimonials. Obviously, Lytvyn tries to distance himself from the “abnormal” coalition that he’s a “paranormal” part of.

A couple of more things. He had a role in the Gongadze murder, right? On top of that, he owns luxury real estate from Taxpayer Real Estate.

Party of Regions: “The party that builds”

Don’t let the Orange time machine throw you back, blah blah blah.

Party of Regions:
“Building the New Country”

Whinium, fingerpointex, goodtimex, feelgoodex.

Party of Regions: “Building the New Country” (choreography)

Footloose meets Frankenstein...

Party of Regions: We’re left holding the “Hr. 300,000,000” debt bag

Whinium, bullshitium, fingerpointex, stabilnist whoreship, call to apply for gas subsidies (352,000 households approved as of Sept. 1; the rest must be “rich”)

Batkivshchyna (Fatherland/Tymoshenko): “Reclaim Ukraine,” “They’re building the New Country without Ukraine,” “without you”

Not bad, but no meaculpadeine.

Batkivshchyna: “Only Batkivshchyna will protect you”

Anti-government; attacks prices, corruption, land grabs; but too much paternalismin.

Svoboda (Freedom/Tyahnybok): “Who else will protect your rights in local legislatures?”

Positivex (takes pains to reposition itself from negativex)

Strong Ukraine (Tihipko): “The time has come for the strong ones”

Pro-government, economy, “better living,” “hard road,” bullshitium

Front of Change (Yatsenyuk): “Have faith in your country,” “Change your future”

Anti-government; change this, change that; dontgiveupium; attacks soaring prices, taxes, unemployment

Yevroremont (European-style renovation/perestroika)

F**k-me-in-both-ears populismol. From a joke of a Yanukovych-friendly party that Merkel should sue for trademark infringement and foul language (picked up by a sensitive mic on a live broadcast).

Green Party: “The future belongs to the Green Party”

Slice-of-death/light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel dramedy; another gold-digger, no green credentials except tons of greenbacks spent on ads.

Meet the whole funny farm (30 ads) here.


Friday, October 29, 2010

Vice PM Test-Drives Bus, Breaks Traffic Rules, Hits Police Car

From “The Party That Builds”...

Watch Vice PM Borys Kolesnikov test-drive a Lviv bus.

Looking good, isn't he?

Too bad he didn’t notice that highway patrol car parked on the roadside.

Voice from the bus: “It’s OK! It’s OK! Nothing will happen to that cops car!”

That’s what happens when you break the law — “business as usual” for Ukraine’s elites.

In Ukraine, to drive buses, you need a D driver’s license. (Which doesn’t quite match Kolesnikov’s B license.)

That same day, Kolesnikov bought a replacement car and proudly declared himself ready to face the law. (Which means no one made him face it right away.)

And what does the law say? It says he should be fined $75 and his driver's license suspended.

But can
you really do that to a guy who wears a $420,000 watch?

Not really. Not in Ukraine.

Not unless he lets you.