Share |

Sunday, January 30, 2011

‘Uvikny...Uvim...Uvikn...Uvikny...Viknit’ (Yanukovych’s At It Again)

Dear Davos, will you please let him switch on Ukraine?

Spelling tips: Uvimkny [oo-veem-knyh] Ukrayinu.

Yanukovych: This slogan, “Uvikny...Uvim...Uvikn...Uvikny...Viknit Ukrayinu,” this is the promo campaign slogan of our state for Euro 2012! To uviknuty [wrong again]...Ukraine, I...want to say it’s enough to look at her and see for yourself once the chestnut trees start to Kyiv...and starts getting warm and in Ukrainian cities women start undressing.

Hey FEMEN, are you listening?

Back to Davos. How about we ask Pinchuk to sponsor that diamond-encrusted baby skull as our Euro 2012 mascot?

Wouldn't it symbolize Ukraine’s success and give the oligarchs full credit for it?

The 2011 Census would supply the crossbones.


Mock Rally: Free First Lady Yanukovych!

He doesn’t just ground Tymoshenko these days.

Lyudmyla Yanukovych, his estranged and old-fashioned wife, fares no better.

Long ridiculed online for her comic 2004 anti-Orange rant, she now has become the target of what looks like a mock protest.

“Ukraine is no Iran! Yanukovych is no tyrant!” “Respect First Lady!” “Freedom for First Lady” “Vitya, show Lyuda to the world!” “Lyudmyla deserves tea with Obama!” “Lyudmyla deserves coffee with Bruni!”

Seriously, what’s wrong with Lyudmyla Yanukovych joining Michelle Obama for a tea party? Now that we have no enriched uranium left, our first lady no longer poses a radiation risk to the White House, does she? The two could discuss other ways to help Ukraine out of its resources.

Carla Bruni could grab a cup of coffee with our first lady on board one of those Mistral helicopter carriers. It’s a real treasure to have a friend like Sarkozy who helps Ukraine stay out of NATO and under Russia's wing.

Any other bon voyage ideas?


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Azarov, Kravchuk Take Bows After Yanukovych Lets Them

Happy Unity Day!

Yanukovych: And I bow down.

And they bow down too.

Luckily, no wreath attacks this time. Just a couple of clockwork oranges.


Yanukovych: ‘DISEASE of Passing Reforms’

Talk about foot-in-mouth disease.

Yanukovych: The main resource that we have at our disposal is the trust and understanding of the necessity of overcoming (the) temporary difficulties of the DISEASE of passing reforms.

That’s what happens when you misspell заради (for the sake of) as зарази (of the disease). And quite emphatically so!

But wait a minute... What if it’s just a confession? A major spoiler of the man’s reform agenda? A mega-Freudian slip? Who knows...

Keep them coming, Mr. President!


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Yanukovych to Japan: ‘Welkom in Ukraine!’

It’s easy when you’re big in Japan!

Yanukovych: As Japanese wisdom has it, ‘A plan without action is a pipe dream. Action without a plan is failure. Welkom in Ukraine!

Looks like somebody took out an artistic license on Japanese wisdom. “Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.” Was that the original saying?

Anyway, some travel tips: Jak se mas? Welkom in Yanukstan! Veri nice! Hi five!


Monday, January 17, 2011

Regionalist Compares Yanukovych to Skoropadsky

True friends stab you in the front.

MP Volodymyr Vecherko (Party of Regions): Viktor Fedorovych Yanukovych, much like Hetman Skoropadsky, has said it and keeps saying it everywhere, that Ukraine is a nation...and it has the right to determine, on its own, which way Ukraine should go. Is that clear or not?

MP Andriy Parubiy (NUNS): Don’t you equate Hetman Skoropadsky and your chief. I’m begging you.

Host: Gentlemen...

Vecherko: Let me, let me, let me once he’s the president and takes responsibility for the entire nation of the country.

Yanukovych=Skoropadsky? Hope you have a self-fulfilling prophecy there!

(Remember that WW I autocrat whose puppet regime facilitated the German occupation of Ukraine and went the way of the Germans?)

So how do the two compare to each other?

Yanukovych clearly lacks Skoropadsky’s redeeming feature: anti-Bolshevism. Unlike Yanukovych, Skoropadsky siphoned food (not iron) from Ukraine, and thus didn’t need gas from Russia.

Put that issue aside, and Yanukovych becomes a faithful follower of Skoropadsky. He’s the man for the job! As long as Hetman Yanukovych remains in charge, Ukraine will remain oligarch/IMF-occupied territory.

Isn’t it great to have a commodity colony right outside the EU’s door? One with the population of California+Virginia, and the GDP of Utah?

Who wants to lose a steady supply of live-in maids, sex slaves and €5M Courchevel bday parties?


Monday, January 10, 2011

Deputy Prosecutor General Plays Gangster Anthem

Gangsta rap. Performed by an assistant attorney general. Can you imagine this?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Renat Kuzmin!

He serves as one of our deputy prosecutor generals. That makes him a very special guest star to appear on “Ukraine’s Being Had by Talent.” (Nice parody name for an annual gala organized by MP Yan Tabachnyk of the ruling Party of Regions, huh?)

Anyway, watch Kuzmin perform “Murka,” not gangsta rap, but pretty much the anthem of the local underworld. (Lyrics: Female gangster cheats on her lover-fellow gangster, sells out the gang and gets her comeuppance.)

“Murka” became a household name after appearing in “The Meeting Place Cannot Be Changed” (1978), a popular Soviet miniseries.


Ukraine's being had by talent. Any doubt about that?


Lutsenko’s Wife Frets Over Lockup ‘Aura’

You’ve made your aura, now lie in it.

Mrs. Lutsenko: We...uh...have knowledge that he’s in cell 158. This cell initially served death row. Later, in this cell, they keep...they kept...those sentenced to life. I believe this aura...that engulfs this cell...well, it’s...uh...unacceptable for my husband. He’s not a convict.

Did you say “aura,” ma’am? What about tangible things like torture?

Like breathing inside a plastic bag? Like being anally assaulted with an attitude adjuster? Like being beaten to death? Like being a vegetable for the rest of your life?

Agreed, it’s unfair to single out Lutsenko, given the crimes of others.

After all, what did Lutsenko do? Not much. He would drink and dance on the taxpayers’ dime, hopping from talk show to talk show. And all this time he would sit on top of an insanely corrupt, sadistic and bloated police force.

What do you make of a country whose
interior minister promotes his driver to the rank of Lt. Colonel? What do you make of a country whose police outnumbers its army two to one?

Lutsenko specialized in crimes of omission, not commission. The Georgians made police reform happen. Lutsenko made shit happen. That’s it.

As much as I hate Yanukovych, I love the medicine he has administered to one part of our elite.

In its own time, the other part will get a taste of its own medicine.


Monday, January 03, 2011

Lutsenko's Wife, Friends Celebrate New Year Outside Lockup

You're gonna be impotent! No, not you, Mr. President!

Iryna Lutsenko: I wish him...faithful friends. I wish him health. I wish him no harm. I think he’s a bighearted man...and...a strong man...uh...a man who achieved absolute power that we’re witnessing now in our country shouldn’t be vengeful. He should respect his enemies...or opponents.
Mustafa Nayem: How could this be that you’re greeting the current president in charge and yet you blamed Viktor Yushchenko for what happened to your husband?
Mrs. Lutsenko: Uh...I don’t have it in me to greet him on this New Year. I...can’t...can’t be insincere here. I don’t have good words for him.

Nayem: But you do have them for Yanukovych?
Mrs. Lutsenko: They’re not good. They’re neutral.

So it’s safewords for Yanukovych and badwords for Yushchenko?

Seriously, why blame Yushchenko? Don’t you guys deserve each other?

2005: Yushchenko becomes president, Lutsenko becomes minister;
2006-2007: Lutsenko goes on sabbatical; wireless story leaks out;
2007-2008: Lutsenko makes comeback, backs Tymoshenko;
2009: Fun in Frankfurt; Yanukovych-Tymoshenko coalition talks.

Law-abiding citizens beaten, tortured and murdered by police: thousands
High-profile criminals caught: um...1? Ihor Zvarych?

2010: Game over.

Quite a president we have now. Finally, somebody takes Yushchenko’s campaign promises a bit more seriously! “Bandits will sit in jail,” remember?

Makes you want to rehash your hubby's “one law for all” (not just for me) recipe, huh?