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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

‘Let the Damn Motherfucker Die!’ (Babushka on Yanukovych)

Ever wonder how people really feel about you? In your home town?

Yenakiyeve, Donetsk Oblast

Reporter: Hi, I’m a reporter! We’re doing a poll. How would you rate Yanukovych’s first year in office?
Respondent: Let, let the damn motherfucker die! Just put it down word for word and have it published.

What, no happy priest and kids scenes? That’s one hell of a generation gap. Just who the hell does she think she is? Ruining all those childhood dreams?

The next respondent gave Yanukovych an A on Euro 2012 and an F overall.
All but two respondents rated Yanukovych negatively.

It’s good to be home!


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not in Ukraine? Let Your Pal Vote for You!

Every time you leave, leave your card in good hands.

That’s the house rule. From coalition to opposition, everybody “plays the piano.”

For all the talk of a foolproof system, the Mar. 17 proposition didn’t pass, falling short by 4 votes. Fingerprint recognition? Why bite the hand that feeds you?

STB names and shames the latest card rentals: MPs Maksym Lutsky and Iryna Berezhna of the ruling Party of Regions. The two went to the Council of Europe and guess what? Their cards back home voted 6 and 4 times respectively, the record shows.

Reporter: How’s your card doing now?
MP Lutsky: It’s not.
MP Berezhna: My MP card is in Kyiv, but it’s not voting.

If only I had veto power...I’d vote for Berezhna as Yanukovych’s spokeswoman! Not only would she be a better match, but she would also be able to match her biorhythms to that of her boss.

I mean, showing up late for work wouldn’t be a problem.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Woman Mayor to Woman Reporter: ‘Bitch’

Welcome to the Cougar Town of Ukrainian politics!

Reporter: Everybody had assumed there would be some changes for the better and novelties, but that didn’t happen.
Mayor: Bitch.

That’s Nelya Shtepa, mayor of Slavyansk, Donetsk oblast, speaking at her “100 Days in Office” press conference.

A member of the ruling Party of Regions, Shtepa denies saying the word sookah (bitch). What she really said was Sanya, diminutive for Olexandr, the electrician
she invoked once a nearby heater had gone off. So she says.

Gordon Brown should have known better than to give up like that. He should have come up with an alternative interpretation of his “bigoted woman” remark. How about he meant Thatcher?

Ain't it a bitch to run Ukraine for the People?

Shtepa is now suing YouTube for what she considers defamation.

Try hard as they did, ICTV reporters couldn't find an electrician by the name Sanya in the Slavyansk City Hall.

The good news is, Shtepa recently married her driver, 15 years her junior.


Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Tymoshenko Visits Mom, Changes Hairstyle

Girl falls in love with boy. Boy dumps girl. Girl loses to boy. Boy grounds girl.

On International Women’s Day, boy yields to girl. Girl roams free, heads back to her native Dnipropetrovsk for a family reunion.

Foreign travel? No way. You can take the hair out of the girl, but you can’t take the girl out of his hair.

Tymoshenko: I had to go through a whole variety of Nechvoglods (that’s the investigator’s name, Nichvoglod). So I had to go through a lot of Nichvoglods to get that special slip that allows me to visit mom.

Oh boy...banning *the* opposition leader from foreign and domestic travel? What a mood killer! Even for John McCain, whose associates have lobbied on your behalf?

You can take the girl out of the West, but you can’t take the West out of the girl.

It’s just that some girls wanna have so much fun that others have no business left in this country.

Meet the other Yulia. Yulia Smaga.

Ukraine's got talent! In Spain.


Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Kids Worship Yanukovych in Live Feed

Welcome back to Yanukidstan! Where Caesar is Christ.
owered by Cradle-to-Grave ligarch $oluion$.

Kid 1:
Viktor Fedoroveech, welcome to our place!

Kid 2:
We earnestly thank what you’re doing for us! [garbles her line, puts a whole new semantic spin on it: as if she thanks him for working for us]

We love you very much! Viktor Fedorovych, we can’t wait to see you! God save you!

They’re not kidding. You just saw a portion of Yanukovych’s Feb. 25 grand press conference, capping the 1st year of his presidency.

What did you miss? More of the same: rent-a-crowd live feeds, Soviet-style astroturfing and feel-good questions.

How to survive on a Hr. 800/$100 monthly pension, less Hr. 780 on utilities?” That’s one unorthodox question that somehow made it through but missed the happy ‘I Hear Everyone’ hour and ended up ducked.

Btw, FEMEN, who chant in choruses of their own, took a more secular approach.

“How come you’re so fucking awesome?”

Awesome possum