Ukrainiana: Ukraine-Russia relations

Showing posts with label Ukraine-Russia relations. Show all posts

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Pressed by Putin, Is This How Yanukovych Feels Right Now?

When the West left on their Christmas vacation, they forgot one small thing.

Problem is, he won't last long, will he?

In case he won’t, here's a requiem for U.S. foreign policy. To its noble cause of “containing Russia” and its attempts to "re-Sovietize the region." After the “reset button” and the “lowly enriched iranium” deal, that is. Did I miss something? Oh yeah...and after all those Clinton-friendly borscht parties organized by one of our oligarchs (whose well-being largely depends on doing business with...Eurasia.)

Ladies and gentlemen, “Goodbye America” by the Russian/Soviet band Nautilus Pompilius!

Its deeply philosophical, if not prophetic, lyrics defy translation.

Ironically, it came out in 1985, at the dawn of perestroika. At that time, the American Way of Life was seeping through the cracks of a stagnant sausage-starved society.

Soon, it would start driving the Soviet psyche crazy. In just five years, the Cold War would be over. A year later, the Soviet Union itself would end up in the dustbin of history.

In the West, you guys relished in the “end of history.” Here in the post-Soviet world, it was more like the beginning of hell. Economically and psychologically.

No wonder pro-Western sentiment cooled considerably, after a decade of klepto-capitalism. (Which wasn’t exactly the super-sexy consumer paradise that the average Ivan had envisaged in 1988.) So in 2000, when the back-to-Mother Russia-themed Brother 2 blockbuster hit the screen, “Goodbye America” reincarnated as something of a de-Westoxication anthem.

And now it kind of echoes the West's failure to fully engage “one small thing” called Ukraine.

Hope I’m wrong on this. That would save me the trouble of doing a blog entry entitled How the Clintons Denuclearized Ukraine Back Into the USSR.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Few Books, Lots of Booze for Rural Teens

Try playing the $125/mo English teacher in rural Ukraine.

No castles, no showers, no bidets. No textbooks either.

Well, here’s the consolation prize: booze.

Some bright kids go for the books.

Others don’t. What a great supply of labor migrants for energy-rich Russia and englightened Europe.

The same Europe that pays less for Russia’s gas and values some of Ukraine’s elites so much. Talk about European values.

Luckily, those 45 Ukrainians on board the Costa Concordia have survived. Will the captain apply for asylum? In Russia or Mezhyhirya maybe?

Meanwhile, Tymoshenko’s tigress is expecting. Some French guy did this.

No, he’s not in the government and hasn’t picked up his Légion d'honneur yet:)

Sources:
http://life.pravda.com.ua/society/2012/01/13/92774/
http://tsn.ua/video/video-novini/navchannya-bez-pidruchnikiv.html
http://tsn.ua/video/video-novini/yake-dozvillya-vlashtovuyut-sobi-silski-uchni.html
http://tsn.ua/video/video-novini/angliyska-z-korovami-abo-yak-zaohotiti-vchitisya-progulnikiv.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYwLQDwqDCI
http://tsn.ua/video/video-novini/ulyublenicya-timoshenko-narodit-vid-francuza.html

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Putin Got Bruised in Ukraine?

Tough love from Yanukovych?

That's what happens when our oligarchs don't get the gas rates they need.

Revenge of The Candyman!

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/178905.html
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/19797.phtml
http://tsn.ua
http://5.ua

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Topless FEMEN Protests Putin's Visit

Oops, they did it again!

“Ukrayina is no Alina” [Putin's rumored lover Alina Kabayeva]

Notice how Lenin keeps looking for Putin.

“Kremlin dwarfs, take a hike” “Judo fighter, go fight others” “You don't fuck us”

“You don't bend us over like that”

No, Tymoshenko didn't show up.

Sources:
http://femen.livejournal.com/107731.html#cutid1
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/178935.html
http://tvi.ua

Monday, October 11, 2010

Tihipko: Bad Relations With Russia Ukraine’s Fault

The Kremlin Apologists Club welcomes a new member: Serhiy Tihipko.

He’s the honest guy who plays with jets, goes to the gym and runs Strong Ukraine.

He also blames Ukraine for the gas-meat-milk wars of 2006-2010.

Vice PM Tyhipko: We had problems for 5 years, ones that were...uh...caused primarily by politics, by Ukraine’s politics, I believe. And I can say that many Ukrainian companies were suffering because of this, suffering badly. The normalization of relations has now resolved these issues.

It would a shame not to recall Aesop’s The Wolf and the Lamb, poetically adapted by Russian fabulist Ivan Krylov:

«Ах, я чем виноват?» — «Молчи! устал я слушать,
Досуг мне разбирать вины твои, щенок!
Ты виноват уж тем, что хочется мне кушать». —
Сказал и в тёмный лес Ягнёнка поволок.

In other words, “ANY EXCUSE WILL SERVE A TYRANT.”

And Tihipko.

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/174353.html
http://www.1tv.com.ua
http://sheba.spb.ru/lib/krylov13.htm
http://www.bartleby.com/17/1/2.html

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Yanukovych Gets e-Book from Kolesnikov

Dmitry, you can tease our students with your iPad all you want.

But don't mess with ProFFessor Yanukovych.

Vice PM Borys Kolesnikov: There are 135,000 pages here, and a kid, accordingly, at any moment, can go back to any material, even if he’s in 11th grade. This saves us thousands of cubic meters of wood every year and saves the ki...the kid the trouble of carrying textbooks.

President Yanukovych: Thank you, Borys Viktorovych!

Some say it’s an iPad. Others say it’s a PocketBook 302 (made in Ukraine).

Whatever it is, I hope it comes with a spellchecker, geography helper, question ducker and BS meter.

Love that scholarly look on the president’s face!

Video embedded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/169280.html
Original source: http://stb.ua

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ukraine’s Anthem in 14 Languages

Enjoy the fullest compilation!

Some look a bit unnatural, comic and over-multiculturalized (the get-together one below, sung in Ukrainian).

At the end of the day, we’re not a nation of immigrants. I mean we’re not as ethnically diverse as Canada, Australia and the US. (That may change as we borrow another 7 billion dollars from the IMF and lend another 7 million of our population to the great beyond.)

The point is, when it comes to ethnic makeup, we’re more like France, Germany and Poland. It’s just that we’re a bit less Westernized and more Russified.

In other words, we’re not Europe. We’re not the West. We’re stupid savages that trade nukes for nothing and tolerate crooks. We’re Eurasia, a label promoted by the US Department of Sweet Harvests and Reset Buttons.

That said, it’s important that Ukrainians of all creeds and colors live in the spirit of e pluribus unum. In this regard, learning to speak Ukrainian as fluently as one’s mother tongue would be a plus:)

З Днем Незалежності, Україно! Happy Independence Day, Ukraine!

Greek

Tatar

Gagauz

Polish

Romanian

Georgian

Yiddish

Romani

Russian

Hungarian

Belarusian

Armenian

Azeri

Videos embedded from: http://inter.ua/uk/video/episode/independence

Monday, August 02, 2010

Putin Confuses Khersones With Kherson, Rus With Russia

Putin meets Yanukovych halfway as the two compile a joint history textbook.

PM Putin: Here, not far from here, in Kherson, in the 10th century, in 988, the then leader, the head of the Old Russian state, Prince Vladimir, embraced Christianity and then baptized Rus.

Well, that makes 10th-century Constantinople the capital of what? The Ottoman Empire?

And Christianity came to Rus via the Old Russian Black Sea Fleet, at the behest of the then mayor of Moscow, right?

Video uploaded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/166143.html
Original source: http://tsn.ua

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Azarov Spells Ivano-Frankivsk As If It’s Named After Dictator Franco

If you’ve lived in Ukraine for decades and still haven’t learned Ukrainian, you vote for the Party of Regions.

But if you repeatedly misspell one of Ukraine’s oblasts in Russian, the Party of Regions owes you a spot on its ticket.

“Ivano-FrAnkovsk” is how PM Azarov spells Ivano-FrankOvsk (Russian for Ivano-Frankivsk).

As if it’s named after Spanish dictator Francisco Franco, not after Ukrainian poet-writer Ivan Franko.

For krovosisi’s sake, don’t we already have “poetess Anna Akhmetova” and “great poet” Chekhov on our books?

Well, if you read Chekhov extensively, you'd find poetry galore. Which makes Yanukovych a well-read person, Herman says.

Which, in turn, emboldens Yanukovych to stand his ground in describing Chekhov as a “wonderful poet.”

Call it what you will, but Patriarch Kirill says Yanukovych “serves the cause of the spiritual enlightenment of his people.”

Sources:
http://www.pravda.com.ua/photo-video/2010/07/22/5242022
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uYJ6C7t2lo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPXooNOPeI0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAvG78gESnk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXTKJPqIhYY
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/17766.phtml

Monday, July 26, 2010

Biker Putin, Mayor Luzhkov, Patriarch Kirill Descend on Ukraine

The Kremlin has been ganging up on Yanukovych in what appears to be a very tight schedule.

Once in Ukraine, everyone gets busy.

Patriarch Kirill — slams nationalism.

Seriously, didn’t we Little Russians oppress you Great Russians for centuries?

Лучшее видео на video.tochka.net - Что Лужков заявлял о Севастополе

Mayor Luzhkov — questions Ukraine’s sovereignty over Sevastopol.

Touché! Didn’t we Little Russians conquer Great Russian towns and villages, sending millions of Great Russians to the Holodomors and Gulags?

PM/Biker-in-Chief Putin — practices Ukrainian. Again!

Putin [addresses Russian bikers in Russian]: Tomorrow is Russian Navy Day. Let me greet all navy personnel with this holiday! [applause] And tomorrow Ukrainian and Russian naval personnel will be together — just as they were together — just as our peoples were together for many many centuries, in times of trials and tribulations. And tomorrow they will be together. And for this I want to give special thanks to the leadership...of Ukraine, most notably to President Yanukovich Viktor Fiodorovich [Rus: second name, first name, patronymic], both for the decision...[roar of applause]...both for the decision on the Russian Black See Fleet and for the overall atmospherics that he creates in relations between our peoples, between the brotherly peoples of Ukraine and Russia.

I want to ask you for a favor. And to make a wish too. Take care of yourselves — yourselves and those around you. Let us say no to reck...reckless racing and reckless driving. [raises voice] L-o-n-g l-i-v-e U-k-r-a-i-n-e! L-o-n-g l-i-v-e R-u-s-s-i-a! Long live the bike! [parting shot in lower-voice comic-sounding Ukrainian]

Woo hoo! Long live the legacy of Russia's Ukrainization!

Videos embedded from:
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/165914.html
http://news.tochka.net/48916-luzhkov-vse-eshche-khochet-vernut-sevastopol-video
http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2010/07/24/5246612

Original sources:
http://inter.ua
http://lenta.tv
http://www.vesti.ru

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Yanukovych Preps Azarov for Ukrainian (Off-Air Leak)

Language barriers exist between Ukraine’s top two officials, in violation of the law.

Well, who gives a vuzeli about the laws and the languages anyway?

President Yanukovych [informal Russian]: Well, I’ll be addressing you...in the Ukrainian language. [switches to formal Ukrainian] Mykola Yanukovych [name, patronymic], I would like to hear you out...on the current situation — on issues of relevance.

Not quite as dramatic as Tymoshenko’s “everything’s gone” leak, but still didactic.

Keep them coming, guys!

Watch another snippet of the conversation.

Azarov gloats over the drought in Russia, which, he says, bodes well for Ukraine’s agricultural exports.

Which actually means the grain traders and VAT rebate folks will line their pockets, leaving the farmers with nickels and dimes.

Videos embedded from:
http://tabloid.pravda.com.ua/person/4c470acd5e2a1
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/165648.html
Original source:
http://www.1tv.com.ua

Monday, July 19, 2010

Yanukovych Addresses Nation on Sovereignty Day

To Yanukovych, sovereignty means something else.

President Yanukovych: As president of the state and as the guarantor of the Constitution, I am filled with resolve to secure the internal and external political factors that will allow our people to feel that government irresponsibility has once and for all become a thing of the past. European prospects and developing strategic relations with centers of world politics, including the Russian Federation, will secure us economic prosperity and social progress. Thus, with dignity, we will carry on with the cause initiated twenty years ago. Happy holidays to you, dear compatriots!

2:22-3:06

Want to study one of the world’s funniest languages? Try Ukrofficialese.

OK, what else, Mr. President? Constitution! That name rings a bell. You two are shacking up at Mezhyhirya, right?

How generous of you to spend €1M of your €23K/year salary on those birthday party artists. After all, your official salary makes up 1000% of Ukraine’s nominal GDP per capita.

Makes Ukraine’s flag go upside down!

Video uploaded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/165303.html
Original source: http://5.ua
Photos: http://www.pravda.com.ua/photo-video/2010/07/15/5224135

Monday, July 05, 2010

Clintons Talk ‘God-Given Potential’ to Ukraine (1995-2010)

Nothing has changed since the Clintons first visited Ukraine in 1995.

Except that the Baltics (buy) became Europe, and Ukraine (sell) remains Eurasia.

Otherwise, it’s all the same: same speeches, same shibboleths.

Bill Clinton (May 12, 1995): But your efforts will not be in vain, because the course is right, even if the path is difficult. The toil is bitter, but the harvest is sweet, as the old Proverb says. In time, your transformation will deliver better, more prosperous lives and the chance for you and your children to realize your God-given potential. You and your children will reap the harvest of today's sacrifices.

In the pursuit of peace and prosperity, you have been well-served by President Kuchma and his government's bold and farsighted leadership. You should know this: As you build your future, the United States will stand with you.

Now, compare that oldie to this newie:

Hillary Clinton (July 2, 2010): Ukraine matters not just to Ukrainians; Ukraine matters to the world. Because there are so many opportunities for Ukraine to assume a position of prominence and influence in the region, in Europe, and even beyond. An open, innovative Ukraine has much to offer. When I look at the students who graduate from this institute, and know that you are among the best of the world, I see limitless possibilities.

And the world is looking to you to secure your democracy, grow your economy, deepen your integration with your...and create the conditions that will allow you and every Ukrainian citizen to make the most of your God-given potential. The United States wants to be your partner.

3:53-4:52

Fifteen years go by, and guess what? Our “God-given potential” keeps going strong!

What, no “stand with you’s” this time?

Hillary Clinton (July 2, 2010): So no matter where one lives in the world today there is always a temptation to get discouraged, dispirited, give up on the promise of democracy because it is a slow and sometimes messy process. And I'm here to urge to do just the opposite: to work even harder to strengthen your democracy, to build more civil society, to empower your media, to ensure that your future here in Ukraine is as positive as you deserve it to be. Now, this work is never easy.

2:22-3:04

It’s never easy when you’re caught between a “reset” and a hard place.

And here's what that place looks like.

Back to the Clinton speech:

I discussed the importance of defending these rights with your president, and he has made a commitment to uphold Ukraine’s democracy, to strengthen the rule of law, to maintain a strong respect for human rights.

7:25-7:39

Obviously, State doesn't know any better than to copy and paste from Yanukovych 's latest address to the nation. Trying to appeal to the man's better self, huh?

Anyway, in case you missed it, he has already broken that “commitment.”

As you tried to commit him to liberty, some protesters ended up committed to a lockup.

The United States applauds these statements and we welcome these commitments, but we recognize that rhetoric alone has not changed the game. These statements need to be followed by with concrete actions. And we have said very clearly to the Ukrainian government that we will help to make sure that these values and freedoms are protected.

8:02-8:30

Exactly! And to be honest, what you’re saying sounds like pure rhetoric. At least, that's been my impression so far.

It’s important, too, that we look at how to promote broadly based prosperity. One of the problems in societies around the world today is that too much of the productivity of the economy is going to too few — too few people. The political and economic elites are realizing the vast majority of benefits from economic activity.

8:31-8:59

I hope the Clinton Foundation no longer accepts donations from our elites. Or am I being a little too audacious here?

That IMF loan really hits the spot! We lose our nukes, you help our crooks. Again. The Clinton model of U.S.-Ukrainian relations lives on. Let's call it “Thanking the Thieves 2,” shall we?

Oh, sorry, thanking the elites. Our elites can't live without more luxury clothing, cars, jets and villas. And we, the ordinary people, can't live without footing the bill, right?

Naturally, I couldn’t find any videos of Bill Clinton’s Shevchenko University address. But, surprisingly, I found this.

Like I said, nothing has changed since 1995.

Same rhetoric, same religion.

Friday, June 04, 2010

FEMEN Masquerades as Journalist-Beating Riot Police

FEMEN goes after visibility at the expense of credibility.

I'd love to watch you gatecrash that 100 Days of Yanucracy party at the Ukraine Palace:)

I applaud some of your attention-grabbing protests. Still, I believe your over-reliance on boobs-and-circuses limits your appeal and protest value.

Many people think you girls just wanna have fun.

By the way, a non-FEMEN mock protest took place outside the Russian Embassy a few days ago.

Videos uploaded/embedded from:
http://www.youtube.com/user/FEMENmovement
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/161057.html
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/160628.html
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/160280.html
Original sources:
http://tvi.ua

Friday, May 28, 2010

Zatulin’s Man: Make Russian Official or Kiss Ukraine Goodbye

Either my way or the highway.

Vladimir Kornilov, Zatulin’s franchisee in Ukraine, doesn’t mince words.

Kornilov: Of course, sooner or later we'll have to put this reality into law as well. At any rate, sooner or later there will be two official languages in Ukraine, or there will be no state of Ukraine in these borders.

What about the Baltics? Should they have two official languages too?

Video embedded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/158795.html
Original source: http://tvi.ua

Monday, May 24, 2010

Russian MP Calls Ukraine ‘Edge,’ Angers Audience

Україна (Ukrayina) means different things to different people.

To some, it means країна (krayina), Ukrainian for country, region or land.

To others, it means окраина (okraina), Russian for outskirts, borderland or edge.

Naturally, to most Russians, Ukrayina means okraina, not krayina. Ironically, despite this marginalization, it also means a place — the place — from which they trace their statehood.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Konstantin Zatulin. He’s one of those Russians, and a member of Russia’s parliament at that. He’s a veteran crusader who can’t get enough of patronizing Ukraine now that Yanukovych lifted his persona non grata status.

Zatulin: A few years ago, on the program “Where Did Ukrainians Come From?” (it was on Ukraine’s Channel 1), they asked this question, to everyone: Who are Ukrainians? I said: Those are the Russians who live on the edge, and historically it’s precisely how it is. And I want to point out that, in fact...

Audience: Boo!

Host: You see how the audience is responding.

Zatulin: I want to tell you that my relatives and I myself moved out of the Poltava Governorate, Ukraine, two hundred years ago. Living on the edge is a great historical...a great historical advantage. That’s why... And we, too, live on the edge, if you will: in the East, in the West. You don’t...you don’t have to react like that.

Host: Thank you! Please, please, please, ask your question, pani Hanna, pani Hanna, I'm asking you, please ask your question.

Herman: I want...I want to express...I want to express an official protest to the Russian Federation representative...

Zatulin: [exclaims in dismay]

Herman: ...saying that Ukrainians are the Russians who live on the edge. It is an insult to our people, pan Zatulin.

Host: Let's, let's, please, please, please, your question, please.
Herman: I want you to understand that.

Zatulin: I see...I see that, toward the end of our program, the sense of humor is beginning to fade. OK, let’s say those [Ukrainians] are the Old Russians who live on the edge.

Nice hit-and-run strategy! First, you tell us we’re fringe elements. Second, you sense trouble and soft-pedal. Third, you call it a joke. Hahaha!

Now here’s the real joke. If you call your country Rossiya and trace it to Kyivan Rus (quite a stretch), why in the world would you call Kyiv okraina?

Was Kyiv founded by Muscovy? Or maybe Christianity came to Kyiv via Muscovy?

Video uploaded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/159635.html
Original source: http://kanalukraina.tv

Friday, May 21, 2010

Medvedev Good-Cops Ukrainian Students

If every guest speaker meant what he or she said, we’d be a G20 country.

May 1995. Speaking at the Taras Shevchenko National University, Bill Clinton said this:

But your efforts will not be in vain, because the course is right, even if the path is difficult. The toil is bitter, but the harvest is sweet, as the old proverb says. In time, your transformation will deliver better, more prosperous lives and the chance for you and your children to realize your God-given potential. You and your children will reap the harvest of today's sacrifices.

In the pursuit of peace and prosperity, you have been well served by President Kuchma and his government's bold and farsighted leadership. You should know this: As you build your future, the United States will stand with you.

15 years later. The Children of the Sweet Harvest meet another guest speaker: Dmitry Medvedev, President of Russia.

“They brought me this iPad. I don't know if you have it,” he tells them teasingly, answering a question about his reading preferences. (Ukrainian students live on a God-given monthly stipend of $50.)

On a lighter note, he promised them that Russia wouldn’t use its Black Sea Fleet against neighbors.

Student: How do you see the strategic importance of preserving this base in Sevastopol for...

Medvedev: Let’s have a straight talk: Will Russia use its Black Sea Fleet to attack neighboring states? No, it won’t. Hahaha! We’re a peaceful country.

One of the students turned out to have a name that’s hard to forget: Ihor Yushchenko.

That didn't spoil the party. Medvedev got high marks from the audience.

Among other things, he recalled attending a conference at the University two decades ago as a postgraduate from Leningrad.

An easygoing democratic type, he now reads Gogol on his iPad.

Videos embedded from:
http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/159335.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8xZs0wAcqc
Original sources:
http://ictv.ua
http://novy.tv
Spoofs:
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/16028/person_id/119.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/16073/person_id/119.phtml

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

‘Demilitation’ (Yanukovych Speaketh)

ProFFessor of Economics. Master of International Law. Wreath-wrestler.

Ladies and gentlemen, I swear to Anna Akhmetova he knows what he’s talking about!

Yanukovych: Of course, we have issues of quite some principle that we’ll have to work on. For example: the demilitation of our...uh...of our sea borders.

Watch Medvedev digest demilitation. Look at his eye movement. One more Yanukism and he would have wet himself.

Video uploaded from: http://censor.net.ua/go/offer/ResourceID/159165.html
Original source: http://www.1tv.com.ua