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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Yushchenko Talks Treason, Chernomyrdin Talks Sex

Yushchenko, who accused Tymoshenko of shedding crocodile tears, seems to be unaware of his own crocodile tears.

President Yushchenko: Talks between Tymoshenko, the Communists, and the Party of Regions are not going smoothly not because it’s hard for them to agree, but because there’s one problem: There’s no societal acceptance for such an alliance. That’s what ails them. And that’s why there are blueprints for how to split someone from Nasha Ukrayina, for how to split someone from [the] Lytvyn [Bloc]. In other words, there needs to be façade to show that the democratic process is not a lost cause.

Well, well, well, Mr. President. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Is there enough societal acceptance for your PoRNUNS dreamboat and that dirty little United Center splinter group of yours?

Russian ambassador Viktor Chernomyrdin, a gas tsar-cum-PM-cum-diplomat, has perfected broken syntax into art, punctuating it with sexually suggestive humor. Here’s my attempt at translating his recent remarks:

Ambassador Chernomyrdin: Now, whatever the occasion, whatever the occasion, there’s always the "pro-Kremlin hand." Why are they messing with those hands? What’s bothering them? What is it they find missing? We’re not extending no hands nowhere. We’re extending them with good intentions only…and with help, including help for Ukraine. During hard times, we’ll always extend...what’s necessary, and will deliver.

We Russia are working with heads of state. Yushchenko got elected, we worked with Viktor Andreyevich* — we’re still working. Whoever gets elected in the next election, we’ll work with them. And as for who we hold dear to our hearts, or who we hold dear below our hearts, it’s a different story.

*patronymic transliterated from Russian

Is he talking about hands or some other private parts? I, for one, have detected phallic allusions in his humor.

With that hand-below-heart anatomy class, I think he did a great job at Kremlinizing some of our already well-PoRnified female presidential hopefuls. Russian diplomats can be so open-hearted!

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Anonymous said...

Well, BYuT have a heart as one of their party symbols.

So - "whom we hold close to our hearts, or below our hearts - that's a different story"

Seems to me that was some sort of a slap at Tymoshenko.

Can you trust anything this guy says at all?

Taras said...

In terms of garbled speech and comic effects, Chernomyrdin can only be matched by Chernovetsky.

As PM of Russia, Chernomyrdin produced this memorable quote: “We wanted the best, but it turned out as usual.”

Impromptu or not, his recent remarks can be interpreted to implicate Tymoshenko in treason, something that spells death for her western electoral base.

However, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that the Kremlin needs no “heart enlargement” to reach Tymoshenko, who wears her “heart” on her sleeve now that she’s come in close contact with the “pro-Kremlin hand” in Ukraine’s parliament.

It’s totally up to her whether to let that “hand” enter her “heart” or not.

Unless she stays away from that “hand” as far as possible, she’s already lost my vote.

Bravecat said...

I think this humour is rather off.

Taras said...

Exactly. That kind of humor does not befit a diplomat.

Chernomyrdin often behaves as a Soviet Army general in a Warsaw Pact country, not as a diplomat in a sovereign country.