‘Let the Damn Motherfucker Die!’ (Babushka on Yanukovych)

Ever wonder how people really feel about you? In your home town?

Yenakiyeve, Donetsk Oblast

Reporter: Hi, I’m a reporter! We’re doing a poll. How would you rate Yanukovych’s first year in office?
Respondent: Let, let the damn motherfucker die! Just put it down word for word and have it published.
1:20-1:30

What, no happy priest and kids scenes? That’s one hell of a generation gap. Just who the hell does she think she is? Ruining all those childhood dreams?

The next respondent gave Yanukovych an A on Euro 2012 and an F overall. All but two respondents rated Yanukovych negatively.


It’s good to be home!

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/161758/jiteli_enakievo_dali_otsenku_pervomu_godu_yanukovicha_vnimanie_nenormativnaya_leksika__video http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/23282/person_id/1.phtml

Not in Ukraine? Let Your Pal Vote for You!

Every time you leave, leave your card in good hands.









That’s the house rule. From coalition to opposition, everybody “plays the piano.”

For all the talk of a foolproof system, the Mar. 17 proposition didn’t pass, falling short by 4 votes. Fingerprint recognition? Why bite the hand that feeds you?

STB names and shames the latest card rentals: MPs Maksym Lutsky and Iryna Berezhna of the ruling Party of Regions. The two went to the Council of Europe and guess what? Their cards back home voted 6 and 4 times respectively, the record shows.

Reporter: How’s your card doing now?
MP Lutsky: It’s not.
MP Berezhna: My MP card is in Kyiv, but it’s not voting.

If only I had veto power...I’d vote for Berezhna as Yanukovych’s spokeswoman! Not only would she be a better match, but she would also be able to match her biorhythms to that of her boss.

I mean, showing up late for work wouldn’t be a problem.



Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/161107/vrut_i_ne_krasneyut_regionaly_berejnaya_i_lutskiyi_iz_bryusselya_progolosovali_10_raz_v_verhovnoyi_rade_video
http://stb.ua
http://blogs.pravda.com.ua/authors/leschenko/4d870e90308b3/

Woman Mayor to Woman Reporter: ‘Bitch’

Welcome to the Cougar Town of Ukrainian politics!

Reporter: Everybody had assumed there would be some changes for the better and novelties, but that didn’t happen.
Mayor: Bitch.

That’s Nelya Shtepa, mayor of Slavyansk, Donetsk oblast, speaking at her “100 Days in Office” press conference.

A member of the ruling Party of Regions, Shtepa denies saying the word sookah (bitch). What she really said was Sanya, diminutive for Olexandr, the electrician she invoked once a nearby heater had gone off. So she says.

Gordon Brown should have known better than to give up like that. He should have come up with an alternative interpretation of his “bigoted woman” remark. How about he meant Thatcher?






Ain't it a bitch to run Ukraine for the People?

UPDATE
Shtepa is now suing YouTube for what she considers defamation.



Try hard as they did, ICTV reporters couldn't find an electrician by the name Sanya in the Slavyansk City Hall.

The good news is, Shtepa recently married her driver, 15 years her junior.

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/160450/gorodskoyi_golova_slavyanska_obozvala_jenschinu_sukoyi_video
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/23173.phtml

Tymoshenko Visits Mom, Changes Hairstyle

Girl falls in love with boy. Boy dumps girl. Girl loses to boy. Boy grounds girl.

On International Women’s Day, boy yields to girl. Girl roams free, heads back to her native Dnipropetrovsk for a family reunion.

Foreign travel? No way. You can take the hair out of the girl, but you can’t take the girl out of his hair.

Tymoshenko: I had to go through a whole variety of Nechvoglods (that’s the investigator’s name, Nichvoglod). So I had to go through a lot of Nichvoglods to get that special slip that allows me to visit mom.

Oh boy...banning *the* opposition leader from foreign and domestic travel? What a mood killer! Even for John McCain, whose associates have lobbied on your behalf?

You can take the girl out of the West, but you can’t take the West out of the girl.

It’s just that some girls wanna have so much fun that others have no business left in this country.

Meet the other Yulia. Yulia Smaga.




Ukraine's got talent! In Spain.

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/159367/timoshenko_pozdravila_mamu_v_dnepropetrovske_i_sdelala_novuyu_prichesku_video http://tsn.ua
http://life.pravda.com.ua/person/2011/03/9/74533/

Kids Worship Yanukovych in Live Feed

Welcome back to Yanukidstan! Where Caesar is Christ.
☭owered by Cradle-to-Grave ☠ligarch $olu☦ion$.

Kid 1: Viktor Fedoroveech, welcome to our place!

Kid 2: We earnestly thank what you’re doing for us! [garbles her line, puts a whole new semantic spin on it: as if she thanks him for working for us]

Chorus: We love you very much! Viktor Fedorovych, we can’t wait to see you! God save you!

They’re not kidding. You just saw a portion of Yanukovych’s Feb. 25 grand press conference, capping the 1st year of his presidency.

What did you miss? More of the same: rent-a-crowd live feeds, Soviet-style astroturfing and feel-good questions. “

How to survive on a Hr. 800/$100 monthly pension, less Hr. 780 on utilities?” That’s one unorthodox question that somehow made it through but missed the happy ‘I Hear Everyone’ hour and ended up ducked.

Btw, FEMEN, who chant in choruses of their own, took a more secular approach.


“How come you’re so fucking awesome?”


Awesome possum

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/157918/spasibo_viktoru_fedorovichu_za_nashe_schastlivoe_detstvo_video http://tabloid.pravda.com.ua/focus/4d678b023b9a7/
http://5.ua
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22858.phtml

Yanukovych in Another Foot-in-Mouth Scene

They need each other.

Yanukovych needs Kravchuk to legitimize the joys of further rewriting the Constitution. Kravchuk needs Yanukovych to legitimize his inner founding father.

In case you forgot, Kravchuk supported Yanukovych in ‘04, Tymoshenko in ‘10...and now he’s back to basics.

Kravchuk: All presidents come, do something or go as they should, but after President Yanukovych they’ll be saying that no one will ever be willing to change the Constitution.

Yanukovych: Leonid Makarovych [patronymic]...Kravchuk and...he...told me pretty cunningly...how it can be organized, so I made the decision to support this initiative without...so to speak...without revising your proposals, the ones you supplied.

Pidstupno (cunningly), dostupno (clearly)...who cares? It's my way or the highway.


My highway, my hookers.

Sources:
http://www.youtube.com/user/STBonline
http://stb.ua
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22696.phtml

Yanukovych Rebukes Odesa Governor

All was not humor in Odesa.

Yanukovych: Please let the people through, will ya? I asked you. Or I didn’t make myself clear? Or you’re not managing anything?

Freeze! Let the president through!



Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/156680/kak_yanukovich_na_odesskogo_gubernatora_krichal_video
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/156687/yanukovich_s_shikom_proehal_po_odesse_odessity_materilis_video

Yanukovych Misannounced as ‘Yushchenko’

Some people catch on fast. And some don’t.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of Ukraine, Viktor Yushchenko!
Audience: Boo!

Announcer: YANUKOVYCH! [terrified about his blunder]
Audience: [applause]

Announcer: Sorry, I...I’m sorry...
Audience: [applause]

Can anyone imagine how sorry this guy was?

In Kharkiv, they’d rather be safe than sorry. That’s why they chained the damn wreath...



...so the same shit wouldn't happen to the same guy twice.

Sources:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVHe02XslQc
http://korrespondent.net/ukraine/politics/1186938-v-harkove-vo-vremya-vizita-yanukovicha-venki-privyazali-cepyami

Yanukovych Talks Succession

His worst nightmare: Ukraine meets Egypt.

Yanukovych: It’s very important that we have succession, that both our cabinet and the government as a whole...uh...it...work toward the country’s authority.

Authority. Such a sweet word. Tell it to Mubarak once you grant him asylum at Mezhyhirya.








Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/155750/yanukovich_ochen_vajno_chtoby_vo_vlasti_byla_spadkomnst_video
http://24tv.ua
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22397.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22237.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22296.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22474.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22347.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22479.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22460.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/23007.phtml

Naked Peeing Oligarchlets in ‘Bad Romance’ (Lady Gaga) Parody

We, we, we are epicureans,
Jew-eans, that is, that is!



That’s what they’re singing (1:20-1:23). And boy can they sing!

Wait... “We're not the ones singing this song, but rather it's singing us.” So they say (1:36-1:41).

Anyway, how’s that for a 50th anniversary song for a fellow oligarchlet? Another smash hit, huh?

Hey Bill Clinton, where you at? Don’t you like these guys? I know you like ‘em bigger, but you can still drop by and play sax for them, can’t you?

If they were comedians, they could pass for followers of Borat. Remember that Antisemitism sting of his?



But these guys are no comedians. They’re real oligarchlets. In Europe’s 2nd poorest country, right? Go figure.

Not an apple-to-apple comparison (America’s hardly a poor country), but...

Can you imagine GM, Ford and Chrysler execs in a parody like this?

Or better yet, Toyota, HP, 3M (fill in the blanks) execs having fun in states where they shut down plants and/or ship jobs overseas?

Sources:
http://tabloid.pravda.com.ua/focus/4d5299b02252c/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb3IMTJjzfo

Yanukovych Slams Corruption, Foreign ‘Hirelings’ (Opposition Only)

There’s no place like Mezhyhirya...and no corruption like the opposition.

Yanukovych: The 20 years of the existence...of the post-Soviet system, an unknown model, a so-called transition one, laid the foundation for global corruption...in the state. At all levels. [long pause] And when such a strong crushing blow is dealt...to the bureaucratic system, it certainly reacts...with equal force. That’s why today we...see bureaucracy, corruption in Ukraine being covered up with democratic slogans. They’re lying brazenly, twisting the facts...with stolen money, they’re hiring hirelings — in Europe, in America, inside the country [long pause] — ones who rewrite everything they’re...given — that this bureaucracy and this corruption gives them. And they’re disorienting both the world and Ukrainian society.

Mr. President, you look so hot wearing those glasses. They must have gone all steamy from all that hot air.

Please accept this friendly gift from Poland, for free rides across your Mezhyhirya property, the most pristine and uncorrupt place on earth.



And if you need a few extra votes/bucks, you just let your son/IMF know.


One man, three votes.

You play, we pay!

Sources:
http://blogs.pravda.com.ua/authors/leschenko/4d4c35dde7dcb/pagecommentslist572880_8/
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/154753/yanukovich_poznakomilsya_s_neojidannym_konem_video
http://tsn.ua

‘Uvikny...Uvim...Uvikn...Uvikny...Viknit’ (Yanukovych’s At It Again)

Dear Davos, will you please let him switch on Ukraine?

Spelling tips: Uvimkny [oo-veem-knyh] Ukrayinu.

Yanukovych: This slogan, “Uvikny...Uvim...Uvikn...Uvikny...Viknit Ukrayinu,” this is the promo campaign slogan of our state for Euro 2012! To uviknuty [wrong again]...Ukraine, I...want to say it’s enough to look at her and see for yourself once the chestnut trees start to blossom...in Kyiv...and when...it starts getting warm and in Ukrainian cities women start undressing.

Hey FEMEN, are you listening?

Back to Davos. How about we ask Pinchuk to sponsor that diamond-encrusted baby skull as our Euro 2012 mascot?

Wouldn't it symbolize Ukraine’s success and give the oligarchs full credit for it?

The 2011 Census would supply the crossbones.

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/153592/yanukovich_v_davose_ne_smog_pravilno_proiznesti_slovo_uvmkni_video_obnovleno
http://5.ua
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22158.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/22241.phtml

Mock Rally: Free First Lady Yanukovych!

He doesn’t just ground Tymoshenko these days.

Lyudmyla Yanukovych, his estranged and old-fashioned wife, fares no better.

Long ridiculed online for her comic 2004 anti-Orange rant, she now has become the target of what looks like a mock protest.



“Ukraine is no Iran! Yanukovych is no tyrant!” “Respect First Lady!” “Freedom for First Lady” “Vitya, show Lyuda to the world!” “Lyudmyla deserves tea with Obama!” “Lyudmyla deserves coffee with Bruni!”

Seriously, what’s wrong with Lyudmyla Yanukovych joining Michelle Obama for a tea party? Now that we have no enriched uranium left, our first lady no longer poses a radiation risk to the White House, does she? The two could discuss other ways to help Ukraine out of its resources.

Carla Bruni could grab a cup of coffee with our first lady on board one of those Mistral helicopter carriers. It’s a real treasure to have a friend like Sarkozy who helps Ukraine stay out of NATO and under Russia's wing.

Any other bon voyage ideas?

Sources:
http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2011/01/27/5844365/
http://tvi.ua

Azarov, Kravchuk Take Bows After Yanukovych Lets Them

Happy Unity Day!

Yanukovych: And I bow down.

And they bow down too.

Luckily, no wreath attacks this time. Just a couple of clockwork oranges.

Sources:
http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2011/01/23/5823918/
http://5.ua

Yanukovych: ‘DISEASE of Passing Reforms’

Talk about foot-in-mouth disease.

Yanukovych: The main resource that we have at our disposal is the trust and understanding of the necessity of overcoming (the) temporary difficulties of the DISEASE of passing reforms.

That’s what happens when you misspell заради (for the sake of) as зарази (of the disease). And quite emphatically so!

But wait a minute... What if it’s just a confession? A major spoiler of the man’s reform agenda? A mega-Freudian slip? Who knows...

Keep them coming, Mr. President!

Sources:
http://www.pravda.com.ua/news/2011/01/22/5820376/
http://1tv.com.ua

Yanukovych to Japan: ‘Welkom in Ukraine!’

It’s easy when you’re big in Japan!

Yanukovych: As Japanese wisdom has it, ‘A plan without action is a pipe dream. Action without a plan is failure. Welkom in Ukraine!

Looks like somebody took out an artistic license on Japanese wisdom. “Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.” Was that the original saying?

Anyway, some travel tips: Jak se mas? Welkom in Yanukstan! Veri nice! Hi five!







Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/152003/yanukovich_snova_okonfuzilsya_zayaviv_yapontsam_welcome_in_ukraine_video
http://stb.ua

Regionalist Compares Yanukovych to Skoropadsky

True friends stab you in the front.

MP Volodymyr Vecherko (Party of Regions): Viktor Fedorovych Yanukovych, much like Hetman Skoropadsky, has said it and keeps saying it everywhere, that Ukraine is a nation...and it has the right to determine, on its own, which way Ukraine should go. Is that clear or not?

MP Andriy Parubiy (NUNS): Don’t you equate Hetman Skoropadsky and your chief. I’m begging you.

Host: Gentlemen...

Vecherko: Let me, let me, let me once again...today he’s the president and takes responsibility for the entire nation of the country.

Yanukovych=Skoropadsky? Hope you have a self-fulfilling prophecy there!

(Remember that WW I autocrat whose puppet regime facilitated the German occupation of Ukraine and went the way of the Germans?)

So how do the two compare to each other?

Yanukovych clearly lacks Skoropadsky’s redeeming feature: anti-Bolshevism. Unlike Yanukovych, Skoropadsky siphoned food (not iron) from Ukraine, and thus didn’t need gas from Russia.

Put that issue aside, and Yanukovych becomes a faithful follower of Skoropadsky. He’s the man for the job! As long as Hetman Yanukovych remains in charge, Ukraine will remain oligarch/IMF-occupied territory.

Isn’t it great to have a commodity colony right outside the EU’s door? One with the population of California+Virginia, and the GDP of Utah?

Who wants to lose a steady supply of live-in maids, sex slaves and €5M Courchevel bday parties?




Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/151329/partiya_regionov_viktor_fedorovich_yanukovich__kak_getman_skoropadskiyi_video
http://5.ua
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/21597/person_id/1.phtml
http://durdom.in.ua/uk/main/photo/photo_id/21850/person_id/1.phtml

Deputy Prosecutor General Plays Gangster Anthem

Gangsta rap. Performed by an assistant attorney general. Can you imagine this?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Renat Kuzmin!

He serves as one of our deputy prosecutor generals. That makes him a very special guest star to appear on “Ukraine’s Being Had by Talent.” (Nice parody name for an annual gala organized by MP Yan Tabachnyk of the ruling Party of Regions, huh?)

Anyway, watch Kuzmin perform “Murka,” not gangsta rap, but pretty much the anthem of the local underworld. (Lyrics: Female gangster cheats on her lover-fellow gangster, sells out the gang and gets her comeuppance.)



“Murka” became a household name after appearing in “The Meeting Place Cannot Be Changed” (1978), a popular Soviet miniseries.


3:53-4:42

Ukraine's being had by talent. Any doubt about that?

Sources:
http://www.pravda.com.ua/photo-video/2011/01/9/5766343/
http://inter.ua
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1f5F3-1wfI

Lutsenko’s Wife Frets Over Lockup ‘Aura’

You’ve made your aura, now lie in it.

Mrs. Lutsenko: We...uh...have knowledge that he’s in cell 158. This cell initially served for...as death row. Later, in this cell, they keep...they kept...those sentenced to life. I believe this aura...that engulfs this cell...well, it’s...uh...unacceptable for my husband. He’s not a convict.

Did you say “aura,” ma’am? What about tangible things like torture?

Like breathing inside a plastic bag? Like being anally assaulted with an attitude adjuster? Like being beaten to death? Like being a vegetable for the rest of your life?







Agreed, it’s unfair to single out Lutsenko, given the crimes of others.

After all, what did Lutsenko do? Not much. He would drink and dance on the taxpayers’ dime, hopping from talk show to talk show. And all this time he would sit on top of an insanely corrupt, sadistic and bloated police force.

What do you make of a country whose interior minister promotes his driver to the rank of Lt. Colonel? What do you make of a country whose police outnumbers its army two to one?

Lutsenko specialized in crimes of omission, not commission. The Georgians made police reform happen. Lutsenko made shit happen. That’s it.

As much as I hate Yanukovych, I love the medicine he has administered to one part of our elite.

In its own time, the other part will get a taste of its own medicine.

Sources:
http://censor.net.ua/ru/video_news/view/149424/lutsenko_derjat_v_kamere_smertnikov__jena_opalnogo_eksministra_videos http://kanalukraina.tv
http://tsn.ua

Lutsenko's Wife, Friends Celebrate New Year Outside Lockup

You're gonna be impotent! No, not you, Mr. President!

Iryna Lutsenko: I wish him...faithful friends. I wish him health. I wish him no harm. I think he’s a bighearted man...and...a strong man...uh...a man who achieved absolute power that we’re witnessing now in our country shouldn’t be vengeful. He should respect his enemies...or opponents.

Mustafa Nayem: How could this be that you’re greeting the current president in charge and yet you blamed Viktor Yushchenko for what happened to your husband?
Mrs. Lutsenko: Uh...I don’t have it in me to greet him on this New Year. I...can’t...can’t be insincere here. I don’t have good words for him.

Nayem: But you do have them for Yanukovych?
Mrs. Lutsenko: They’re not good. They’re neutral.

So it’s safewords for Yanukovych and badwords for Yushchenko?

Seriously, why blame Yushchenko? Don’t you guys deserve each other?

2005: Yushchenko becomes president, Lutsenko becomes minister;
2006-2007: Lutsenko goes on sabbatical; wireless story leaks out;
2007-2008: Lutsenko makes comeback, backs Tymoshenko;
2009: Fun in Frankfurt; Yanukovych-Tymoshenko coalition talks.

Law-abiding citizens beaten, tortured and murdered by police: thousands
High-profile criminals caught: um...1? Ihor Zvarych?

2010: Game over.

Quite a president we have now. Finally, somebody takes Yushchenko’s campaign promises a bit more seriously! “Bandits will sit in jail,” remember?

Makes you want to rehash your hubby's “one law for all” (“not just for me”) recipe, huh?

Source:
http://blogs.pravda.com.ua/authors/nayem/4d201b5b0470c/